Shadows of Life

"Welcome to my personal space. Please read, enjoy and don't forget to comment - Life is too short to wake up with regrets."

Happy New year!

23:55 Posted by Shadows of life

Dear Known, Unknown reader,

Wish you the best of 2009. Hope this year is better than previous years. Have fun. Stay connected.

Share and Enjoy, life!


नए साल पे इक पुरानी दुआ

19:23 Posted by Shadows of life

दुआ निकलती है, नए साल के नाम पे,
आँख भर आती है, गुज़रे साल की याद से.

उम्मीद बस यूँ ही है नए साल से,
कि कत्ल न हों, न चले बंदूकें, न हो बमबारी कहीं,
इश्क रहे, रहे दोस्ती, और बढें प्यार की बाहें हर कहीं,
ना मिले कातिलाना वो, जो मिला गुज़रे साल में.
दुआ है बस यही, आने वाले साल में.

गुज़रा तो गुज़र गया, चलो कुछ यूँ करें,
थाम लें बांह इक दूजे की, आओ कुछ कदम, साथ साथ चलें.

मुबारक हो साल नया,
दे यह खुशियाँ हज़ार, और प्यार नया,
हो उम्मीद से भरा, यह संसार नया
जिंदगी का हो हर रुखसार नया,
मुबारक हो यह साल नया!
मुबारक हो यह 2009 नया!

Copyright 2008 © Vim

Down the Memorylane - 2008

22:11 Posted by Shadows of life

The year 2008 was one of the best and one of the shoddier years of my life and as per my experience, it was pretty similar way for many in this world. The history was made when Obama got elected as the president of United States of America.

In 2008, the economy was in its worse condition which crashed many American dreams and hundreds of regular dreams. 2008 brought more violence acts in the world, including gun shots in Mumbai, bomb-blasts in Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and war at its worse in Iraq. It was defiantly a harsh year, but somewhere it was a year, which taught us patience, the year for expression, and the year for something unexpected, unwanted. After living, with my full energy, parallel to the 2008, I won’t mind calling it, ‘The year of unexpected hopes and expected patience’

Personally, my year was full of trivia, full of life, which turned around as positivity and many times low self esteem. Let’s see what I achieved in 2008 and what I lost.

January 2008, that major thing happened, which affected my every single moment of 2008. I left HIS house, forever and started living alone…YES, I finally separated from HIM, his life, his family, his love and most important his violence & his drugs. Life didn’t come easy after I left him, infect it was harsh and hard on me. But, living alone taught me new things and new ways of being self again. I filed for divorce after months of confusion and tons of pressure of heart to be with him. Now soon I will be a free person, free of HIS litter and HIS love, his care and his life…his touch and his hitting, on my body, my heart & my mind.

January 2008, I got a car from HIM as a gift. May 2008 onwards, I started driving on freeways. Well, I used to be scared and worried of it for long, but I achieved it. I now drive everywhere, infect, I will be driving to SFO for New Years Eve. SFO is 6 hours drive from LA. I love driving, I enjoy it more on freeways with the speed of 65-70+ Well truthfully 80 miles per hour is the best fun ;)

July 2008, I lost one job, I was laid off. I experienced a life of a jobless person in the US. I was desperate, tired, hopeless and negative while searching for new job, but… took too long to find the one I can get adjusted to. Now I have a job, which I found with the help of a friend. It’s not a dream job, but it has helped me understand the career path, I want to take for future. It’s part of my last year’s plan of opening a NGO. I am working with kids, who were homeless once.

September 2008, I started school, YES, I DID IT!!!! I started studying photography, English creative writing and management. I got grade ‘A’ in my most of the classes, which has given me more confidence for starting studies after 10+ years. Now I am feeling that I’m getting ready for the education and I want to do my Masters soon.

I made tons of friends in 2008. It came as a blessing for me. My friends, my true, little, big, real friends, helped me getting over the worse situations of my lie. They gave me shoulders to cry on and smiles to share with others. They are my moral support, more than my own family back home. My friends are precious to me, more than that man, who promised to take care of me, as husband, for lifetime and I am able to accept this truth.

I wrote a lot in 2008, and I got published in 2008 as well. I wrote professionally for an Indian newspaper ‘India-West’ I was excited and happy when I was given the first job and many jobs followed up. I was not only published in newspaper but on their website as well. I wrote few short films, few stories and many blogs, many poems. I wrote to satisfy my heart, to calm my mind and/or to share my thoughts with the world.

I did a lot of photography in 2008; the visual way to express your moments and your feelings. I enjoyed learning the basic way of photography.

I also did lot of freelancer work in Hollywood. It made me feel free, and independent. I produced, directed and did cinematography for few videos. I got paid for the work I enjoy doing and for those ways, I learned while working.

I partied a lot in last few months of 2008. It was another way to run away from emotional stress, but it was a healthy way to feel stress less by dancing & spending time with friends.

I have cut down on alcohol too in 2008. I still drink wine, but not as much as I was drinking in 2007. I am trying to control many of these habits such as remembering him and his habits, just to keep him alive in my life. I am happy that I am not a failure in quitting bad things, but a success on my own.

I guess, this post will keep going on and on and on, because the year 2008 was a year full of activities, and full of achievements and full of failures too…but everything came unexpectedly, unwillingly & impatiently.

I am not sure, if I should call myself in real bad situation during the year of 2008, but I know this for sure that many people, were pressurized to leave their life, their homes, their families and much more. I think staying positive towards life has given me alot for self, especially after I left a dream of starting a family in 2008.

If in one sentence I have to say about my 2008, I would say; I gained my own self, my happiness and most important, my freedom back in my life during 2008.

I wrote about my 2008, now I tag 5 people for to write about their 2008.

1. Vinod
2. Sandeep
3. Senthilthyagarajan
4. Ipshita
5. Gurmeet

Six Degrees of Sepration!

23:34 Posted by Shadows of life

Life is small and so is this world. Sometimes, all of a sudden you see someone and realize that someone is connected to your some other one, which makes you think about how small is this earth. They say we all are separated by 6 degrees. Every sixth person of the world is connected to each other by one mean or another.

I met a girl few days back, through another friend of mine, and no prize for guessing that this new girl in my life was connected to me through other ways too. She belong to the same city I was raised in, same surroundings, same ways but we never crossed our path when we were there. We both moved from that city to another for almost 4 years, we were there too close by but again never crossed our paths...not even once. Now, here in the US, all of a sudden we met through another friend, who don’t even belong to my country, forget city or town.

My new little friend, also love to party, same way I love to party. We both can easily skip sleep for parties. We both love the city we belong to and very adjustable to the city we live in right now. Well, we are pretty much similar in ways of living and thinking of life. We do belong to same community, same culture and pretty similar ways of being ourselves, which opens up new topics and new thoughts to discuss. Every time she has stayed up at my place, we talk until wee hours of morning…and still not bored.

Ok, must be weird to write about a friend, who I met all of sudden, for no reason what so ever…but this is more like expressing the feelings about the six degree of separation. The world is small and life is smaller than that, so folks…go out, enjoy this world and live as much as you can...!

Live life, Queen/King size!


Scattered thoughts after Mumbai attacks!

00:03 Posted by Shadows of life

After Mumbai attacks, with tons of petition emails, I received few website links, sent by obviously either Hindus or Indians. One day while sitting idle at home, I opened one of the links. That link was for a youtube video and video was a television show from Pakistan. I started watching that Paki TV show and realized it was about a discussion about Mumbai attacks. After watching it for few seconds, I found out that few hypocrites from Pakistan were trying to save their ass, after Indian hypocrites blame their countrymen for the attacks in Mumbai. They took their sweet time to mold the words, to change the meaning of statements given by Indian Government. At the same time India didn’t kept quiet and blamed Pakistan about everything happening in the country, while Indian TV channels were blaming Pakistan with open heart for everything wrong with their system.

They were trying to state that India has no power or no strength to fight with terrorism. I say, India does have power to fight, but sometimes ignoring works better…not always though. I wish, one country, just one country in the world, takes the step against terrorism, and believe me most of the countries will take the same path. Btw, if India has no power to fight terrorism, why doesn’t Pakistan take its first step? Oh well....!!!

On top of that, in few interviews of their guys, they used the interviews of Indian politicians, molded them according to their interest and presented as if Indians are stupid piece of shit. I was offended. I am not one of those people who are still waiting for India and Pakistan to be one country, but I didn’t like the way they used my country and then insulted it. We Indians can do the same, but eye for an eye, makes the world go blind. I do know in my heart that I sound like those weird interviews from Pakistani television, but then maybe they were highly offended by aimless, heartless and clueless Indians…

Before I move any further with this topic, I have to confess this for sure, that I do feel the need of blaming Pakistan for many terrorist attacks in India…as if its not clear here he he he. After all hamara rishta hi kuch aisa hai na, because the history of Pak-India is bus kuch aisi si hi hai…

Well, I do know this for sure that my this hidden feeling, won’t ruin friendship and love between me and my Pakistani friends back home and here in the US too, because I am not blaming them, I am blaming the system, we all have been raised with. The system we were raised with Or should I say we all were pressurized to be raised with…I wish I could write beyond my emotions on this subject, but I don’t have anything above emotions for Pakistan and India relationship.

Mumbai Attacks - After Effects!

23:29 Posted by Shadows of life

I started writing this article few days back, but I didn’t get the chance to finish it so today Dec 14, 2008 I am finally finishing it while I’m still confused and I am still searching for answers.

I don’t know what had actually happened. I seriously have no idea. You can call it, ignorance or laziness or whatever suits your mood, but I know only that limited part of it, what I heard on ABC and read in few online newspapers. I do know that whatever has happened, that has happened for the worse and hopefully for the last time. I think Mumbai have had enough. It’s beyond its share and it’s beyond the power of acceptance at this point. A simple Mumbaikar, a normal innocent person, who is trying his best to make the ends meet, who is struggling every day, so he can feed his family and his own stomach, that common man have had enough. Being the old Mumbaikar, I am sure, we were getting used to the bomb blasts, to the flooded streets and to those riots, which were the results of political crap based on behalf of being Marathi or non-Marathi. After living for few years in Mumbai aka Bombay, one of my favorite cities in the world, I have had enough for Mumbai. At this point, this is beyond everything; this is beyond being human and religion. It has not just killing humans, but the destroying the love in the hearts and emotions of common man, living in the Mumbai or anywhere in the world.

Back to Mumbai attacks; some people, known as terrorists, took over two five star hotels, and started gun shots after the late hours in the evening of Wednesday, Nov 26, 2008 and kept the killing route going for 60+ hours. According to news, their major objective was to kill the foreigners living in India, but I think their basic aim was to destroy the peace of a healthy city. After killing more than 200 people and 100s injured, they did what they planned for. I know they did it, I am sure many of us are trying to ignore the real fact; because either we are scared or we believe in thinking positive, all the time; and the fact is, they have destroyed our peace. They have hit hard on our patience and our serenity. I wish I could accept either one side or another, but I can’t, I just can’t accept it as I still have the feelings and I still can think for myself and others.

I received 100s of emails, text messages and face book messages, etc, asking for signing the papers, which carry words of hope, and petitions, seeking peace, asking help to bring the life back to Mumbai. My question is simple; how will we bring peace if those people, who we call terrorists, are not stopping their actions? How will we stop brain wash happening to youth? I know it does sounds like a pessimistic approach, but then I see nothing coming from those who are sitting on high seats, who have the power to manage, to give, or break and to add issues with happiness, in the life of common man of India. My last hope is from common man; my hope is for common man. This is the way I can see, this is the choice we are left with, when we can try our best to bring the change; by working and keeping the faith towards the best.

Hopefully, life will come back to Mumbai followed by the life in the world, away from nasty acts and far away from terrorism. Please my friends, my enemies, help each other and help each youth to understand what is right for world, so that tomorrow's generation can understand, what is right for one individual, who live in the group setting of this world.


The Hollywood living!

23:55 Posted by Shadows of life

Los Angeles can make you over whelmed. It can bring you to a level where you have never been before. It has fun moments, relaxing arenas, lovely hills, calm waters, alcohol, and sex with its different orientations, yes you will find all around you, around your life and every where...but guess what? This has nothing to do with your overwhelming feeling in this city. This all come from the city, from being with those people who are so true, so surreal, and so superficial that doing differentiation between all of them, can take your life; and that is what makes you like them,with them.

Few years ago when I came to the US, I came with lots of dreams and tons of expectations...and so did most of people I know. I am pursuing a life of my own now and this is the same city, which has given me a life, a life of my own, a life of a free bird....and this Hollywood city, yes Hollywood, originally Los Angles, the same Los Angles, that you actually forget state that you live in LA and will start saying that you live in Hollywood. This is what makes you LAhiate, and L.A. a city of its own unique fun! Oh well, don't take me wrong, I am very happy to be here. I am much more real in myself and much more peaceful, but then its hard to imagine, that if it has something to do with the relationship I left behind me or is it related only to the city I live in.

BTW if any of you ever visit the US and specially Hollywood, make sure you go and find those places, which are not so called tourist places. Go to all those places which are fun to explore, fun to know...don't just get stuck to surreal city, and to surface faces :))

I'm in the mood to feel this city all over again...and that is what made me write this small piece.

Drinking and Driving!

00:32 Posted by Shadows of life

Yes, it happened...first ever time in my life...he he although I am not sad about it, but not very happy either. It was an experience too yaar. Okay, let me start from starting :))

It was a Saturday night, I was working until 11:00 P.M., but got the chance to get over work at around 9.30 P.M. I reached home in seriously 10 minutes, got dressed in 22 minutes and then reached at friend's place in another 10 minutes. All friends were waiting. We all left right away to Fulton Lounge. It was a fun place, crowded but interesting. We were 8 friends in two cars. I was driving one of them. As usual, I was enjoying, flirting, having fun and living the moment.

We had few drinks, started chilling out, talking and teasing each others. We took lot of pics, as if some special moment was happening, but it was just another club night...a fun night. Later, we got bored of the place and cliche crowd, so went to another bar. By this time, we all were pretty buzzed. A friend took over the driving seat, I happily gave my car. We reached at Lolas bar then got more drunk. Yes, we did had more drinks ;) Masti night (a night full of fun) Actually, it was fun. After all this we went to eat at In and Out. Around 3.30 AM, I had to call it a night as I had a working day starting 7:00 AM. I left half buzzed, may be a bit more than that..but I was fine to drive.

A second later I noticed, Hollywood Blvd was closed, well, so what...and I still took a turn, ignoring a cops car, which was blocking the street. I don't know why did I take the turn, but I took it. A second in to the street, and cop, a sexy looking cop...stopped me showing flash light. I stopped, well it was better than getting chased.

He came to me..

Cop: Did you see my car, blocking the street?

Me (innocently) Yes, I did see it, but took a turn by mistake. {which was actually a truth}

He looked at me, 'any alcohol use?'

I looked at him, bollywood ishtyle...and replied, "NO" a pure white truth...white smile :-)

Wooohhh, thought in my heart, "बेटा, तू तो गई आज...फँस गई..."

He flashed the sharp light on my face, asked me to follow his finger. The finger was too close to my eyes, I followed it, perfectly well. he looked at me, smiling.

Cop: Where are you coming from?

Me: A friends place.

Cop: hmmm, get down the car and please stand outside.

I started the car, dunno why, and then stopped it, locked it and got down and stood next to the car door, looking at cop, infect staring at him with a smile.

Cop: follow my finger.

Me: Okay

He again flashed the finger and I thought inside my heart, Acting, acting my dear...concentrate, just concentrate. I followed the finger with full concentration. He looked at me, I didn't take my eyes off his finger. He smiled again. Now I looked at him. Smiling, and staring at him.

Cop: hmmm, you are following it fine.

Me: (smile)

Cop: Ok, you can go.

PHEW!!!! not even a pinch of doubt or even a second thought of looking at sexy cop. Took a U-turn, as he told me to and I was out of Hollywood Blvd in few seconds...

DAMN!!!!! :))) No doubt it was a fun night...with this experience added to the night, it was scary night too; I felt, first experience of getting pulled over by cop.

It surely was fun, cos if I would have caught, I would have been sitting in the jail, with my license suspended.

Lesson learnt - Drinking and Driving is ACTUALLY bad..:)))

Thanksgiving 2008

00:26 Posted by Shadows of life

Today is the first Thanksgiving after I have started living away from HIM; it felt bad, a bit, but only for few moments. I had a fun time last night with a friend, few queries and many thoughts to share.

I woke up in the morning, with lazy feel as if its another day. It actually was, for me...or say for resistant Indian - American me. I made Kheer for my work kids, reached at work and cooked more stuff. Kids were excited, cos its thanksgiving, its the best time of the year, fun time, family time, harvest time and Holiday time; when the time came to eat, the family dinner, it wasn't even a family. Few kids ate, few slept on the floor & couch and few refused to eat, it was just a shelter for homeless kids.

A 16 year old kid was invited by his brother for dinner at his place, and he was so looking forward to it. Around 9 he came back, I asked him excitedly about his good time with family....he said that family was not even there. I was speechless, I said nothing but made him plate of dinner with turkey, yams, cranberry, kheer, pie and all we made for the special day...He ate quietly, probably hoping to have a thanksgiving dinner with his family, some day.

I was invited by a friend for dinner at her place. I took an hour off and went to see her and her grand ma. I was happy that someone, at least someone invited me for thanksgiving dinner. It was a good feeling, but I didn't even eat at her place, met her, had few words about life, gave her wine and went back to work. I missed my family and remembered that they haven't called me since long long time. I haven't called them either. I won't call this time...I want to feel that they want me, I want them to miss me, so they feel my pain at least once in life time.

Family, Friends, Love, and sharing...this is what thanksgiving is all about to me. I gave whatever was possible for me to give, and I still give whatever I am able of, but.......

Why do we refuse to give; love, care and feelings. Why don't we just understand that the person in front needs the same love and care, as you? Why? Why can’t we just live and let live? Why? Why can't we be just ourselves and stop the hate?

Right now, thinking of my work kids, I am wishing and hoping that I have a big home (house) and I have the ability to raise many kids; nicely; happily; positively and without any predictions...just living!


Few Random Thoughts...Undescribable!

17:19 Posted by Shadows of life

I don't know why, but it does happen that life, bring different questions with 'guess what' kind of answers.

The rains in LA are bringing memories to me back from the days of July 26 in Mumbai, and on top of that, the news of gun shots in Mumbai, brought another sad memories in front of my eyes from July 06. I wish I wasn't in emotional pain for the same man,I am divorcing...

I know it wasn't the choice for many, it wasn't the option even, but people still do what they have to do in life...they go to work, they go to school, they roam around and do nothing....and few take harsh work in hands, like killing others.

yes, some people do harsh things...but why do my god do harsh things...isn't its already harsh for those people to live?

The past is gone long back, why do someone has to pay for those days now?

Why do I have to get pissed at self for asking those questions, which no one can answer?

I am annoyed or say pissed, but is this the way to solve issues, if not then what is the way?

Why do feelings and love is always counted with the equality of money and with the image of oneself?

Why cant someone love somebody just the way they want to love?

What is the love anyways?

Fcuk...I'm still fighting with myself for these questions, which have no answers.

Lucky you people,who have money, who have family...who can stay safe under roofs and celebrate meaningless holidays, who can buy gifts for anyone to everyone for any occasion to no occasion...I wish, these beautiful days for many of my friends and many of real humans, who need a meal of the day and still cant earn....

Work hard, party harder!!!!

How truth is this; every hard work pays at end?

Rains Rains Rains

02:53 Posted by Shadows of life

Its raining in Hollywood, hard and in full form. I love it, I just love it. I missed rains alot in last two years. Mumbai rains gave me a habit to experience, continue rains for months. Here in US, I have hardly seen rains. Especially after seeing rains of Mumbai, any rains seems less.

I remember almost two years back, here in Hollywood, when I first felt rain drops on my body, I felt a different kind of fun, I got soaked and enjoyed those drops on my body and inside my heart. It wasn't that bad of winter time then, it was just a fun winter. Today while it is raining outside, I couldn't get wet, cos I have to stay safe, stay healthy...and winter rains can make me sick.

Right now here I am, inside my little place, holding my heart, dealing with various thoughts...just waiting for sleep to take me over. Oh sleep, come and take me away, this music of rain falling on the roof of my apartment and on top of my car outside, is just not letting me sleep.

How much I would love to sing 'rain rain go away...come here another day, but....I don't want rains to go away so I will not sing this...I want rains to stay.

Hugs my favorite weather.

I was you are too (addiction)

02:23 Posted by Shadows of life

I was tagged by Vinod. So I guess I have to write, what I am addicted to. I agree, that addiction is a bit negative word, so I would say, things I am in love with, or things I cant live without.

1.I can’t live without fighting with myself. I fight with myself, every moment, every single day. I know, it’s a need for few, but I fight with self, without any need. I have to have to discuss everything happening around me, related to me or not. I feel uncomfortable, if I don’t argue or if I don’t observe and discuss with myself. Sometimes, it can be just simple news I listen on NPR or may be a woman/man while driving, or someone who clicked the sight. I will observe a little, question within me, a little more OR sometimes, I will judge the moment with my eyes. Yes, it is close to obsession of observing and discussing.

2.Photography: I will die the day someone tells me that I am not allowed to click. I’m all about clicking. I am very reserve to share my artistic shots, I hardly discuss and show those to anyone. If, I am close to someone, I will share but mostly, they end up in my personal space…for me. I always bought a expensive cell phone, not for the showoff, but for its camera. I have to keep all memories; even if they will hurt in future…I have to keep my memories, my way.

3.Writing: If I won’t write one article or few lines each day, I feel something is missing. I am not a great writer; I am working on it and happy to accept truth my ways, for myself. I started writing when I was hardly 12, but those were my journals, my personal diaries…now I write about my world with the view of third person. Sometimes, I write from heart, from emotions, but I do write, something or other every day.

4.Chatting, communicating, talking: I live far from my close ones, and communicating with them; online or on phone. I have to give atleast an hour each day to chatting, facebook or whatever way of communication. It’s a need and thought of my day to day life.

5.Dreaming: yes, it’s a big deal…I have to dream at least half an hour before I am out of bed, so I put alarm for half an hour early than the real time. I feel decaffeinated if I won’t get my dose of dreaming half an hour every morning.

6.Blackberry: I actually don’t want to claim that I am addicted to it or I can’t live without it, but as my friends say, as peeps around me claim all the time…I am trying to agree and accept this addiction.

7.Giving: I dunno, when I started with this, but it’s a big part of my life. Giving a smile, giving a coin or giving a hand…I have to do it. This is what makes me keep the fire of charity running inside me.

That’s about my addiction…here are four people I would like to tag:

1. Sandeep
2. Gurmeet
3. Bluemist
4. Varun

Lets see....who reaches where and how.

Community crisis - is it true?

00:52 Posted by Shadows of life

I was driving when I heard this news, it moved me...I started laughing out loud and enjoyed it thoroughly too. Yes,

Cricket in India is what baseball is for Americans. Cricket does seems like baseball of America, but no, it actually is not the same. it is not even close to each other, more than one bat and one has no similarity. So the news was on KPCC part of NPR. Listen or read here. The very first cricket players from India, now will learn and play baseball in USA. Its a time to feel proud, to feel special...not because they have chosen by US but because, the limits are getting wide for both the countries, and for many people.

I was more than happy to listen to this news, and more than happy I was excited to see matching horizons between two of my worlds. It does feel good to see, my two worlds getting connected. My one world of US and India, and another world of two communities, Punjabi and Gujarati were the chosen one....

Oh well, now tell me that how true is it :)),

"where ever you go, you will find one Punjabi and one Gujarati for sure"


Blunt Shots

00:16 Posted by Shadows of life

What a day, what a day, what a day I had!!!

Well, I woke up a bit late, cursing myself for sleeping for more than 6 hours, then took long time to get ready. By the time I was out of the house, it was already 1.15, and I was planning to take few pics before I reach to my work at 3.00 P.M. I thought that going to any place like park, probably wont be fun, so I planned to go to walk of fame at Highland and Hollywood, for some blunt shots of tourists. So, there I was at Hollywood street, parked at Renaissance hotel and reached at Chinese theater at 1.30 P.M.

There were tons of people. They were taking pictures, of theater, street, hand and foot marks and star signs etc etc. That street is always full of people. When I first moved to LA, I used to love going to walk of fame, cos it reminds me of my days of India, crowded, noisy and fun time. I started shooting with black and white shots of people taking pictures and then random stuff. Suddenly I realized, it would be nice to take pictures of those people who make living out of this street, who dress up everyday and who love acting and who are not cliche.

I started taking pics of few characters, but it wasn't much of fun until, I saw a guy dressed like gypsy. I went in a corner and started taking his cool shots. Day was a bit cloudy and sun wasn't out much, so it was kind of struggle to take pictures, but I managed. He noticed me taking his pictures and told me that I am supposed to pay him, I said, " I will pay you, if you will cooperate with me" He agreed and then I took full role of black and white pics of a gypsy, making faces, doing his acts, talking to people and much more. It was fun. I gave him $20.00 and he was so happy to get money. He then talked to me in details about his career, which was surprising to me...but that in next post...

When I left parking lot, I was almost done with two roles of shooting in an hour. The hour cost me around 23.00 bucks, but I got the satisfaction of 23 thousand. I cant wait to develop these roles now, which I can do only on Monday.

I couldn't stop thinking about myself being free and how much I love to be once again, free for self, free to grow, free to live, free to decide, free....just free. Free from answering someone, and free for not feeling guilty of what I am. I loved the day, enjoyed it thoroughly....Thank you for givig me this day my lord.


Despration - Two!!!

21:39 Posted by Shadows of life

I am feeling desperate once again in life, its like a routine which is keep coming back to me every few days or sometimes in few months...aaaagggrrrrhhhh!!!!

I need to take few decisions, those which are not impressed or influenced by emotions, current situations and/or my passion. I know people always say to do what you are passionate about, but its not right way for me, well not always. I was passionate about theater, acting...I made myself a big failure...or say I had to quit. I was passionate about marriage, kids and having the family of my own...I failed badly.

I wanna do something, something which is really strong, something which is thoughts, my and what I can do, is the question...I know I am I am not that strong emotionally, right now. I want to kill this desperation inside me. I wish I can take decision, I wish I can make my life strong and happy for all the moments of ever after - made by me...:)))

The day is not far!


Some thoughts - Some memories!

00:37 Posted by Shadows of life

Every 'Sangrand' - the day of new moon in each mom used to make Suji ka halwa, a pudding made out of cream of Wheat.

I came from work at around 12 am today and suddenly felt the urge to make suji ka halwa, and I made it. Just ate a bit, rest kept in the fridge. I dunno what it is, but may be I am missing my parents and the life of India more....I do want to go but I am holding on to something here, may be a hope...or may be the past or may be...a broken relationship.

I am happy I am doing what I want to do. I am happy that I am able to set my foot on top of sad life, push the sadness down and move up to myself, by myself.
I am happy that I am making some money.
I am happy that I am alive.
I am happy that I have friends.
I am happy that I want to live even more with each day and enjoy much more within each moment....but there is something, something I am missing in my life...what is it? I dunno what it is, Or may be I do...may be I rather not accept it and live as life comes to me....

I am wishing that finally free day will be here soon...

Hugs to self!


00:20 Posted by Shadows of life

When I was in India, I used to ignore many things, stating either they are too common in my life or around my life OR they are too far to be related to. Since the day I have started living alone and understanding the different life, different culture, different country, I am exploring every thing, every chance I get. I explore on Music, Movies, Documentaries, Places and ever new clothing too. Reason probably is simple and very plain that now I am here, so better enjoy it, but at the same time, I think I am observing my life from past in India and India in general alot too. This is giving me a 3 dimension of things I did in past and things I want to do in future. I am happy to do so.

I hated driving cars by myself in India, but here I love driving, even if I am dead tired, I do drive and reach my destination safe. I guess cos it gives me a different kind of high feeling, a feeling which is hard to explain and which is just inside me, but it is a positive and emotionally strong feeling.

I enjoy US. Yes, I am claiming it for the very first time that I do enjoy US...cos it gives me freedom of doing alot in one 24 hours, though I don't enjoy it when I have to pay alot for many things related to general life.

I am sure, when HE ran away from US to India, he didn't see US the same way he see it today, cos he was taking things for granted, same way I did when I was in India...they are always available for us and we dont have to work hard for them. Here when one has to clean the house themselves, they understand the meaning of having a maid, when one has to cook all three meals, they understand the meaning of Mom's healthy food, when one has to earn hard way, they understand the value of money.

Back to HIM, he saw India in different way than he expected to see, and then when he came back he respected his country more...and this makes me happy for him.

Never mind!!! I cant stop thinking about one simple thing that why did he ran away to India..?

I came here and I found another side of life and I am happy I did. It has changed me many ways...many sides of me.



16:29 Posted by Shadows of life

I was sad and unhappy when I saw the results of Prop 8. At one point I was feeling good to see a black guy and a young blood becoming the President of United States of America. It made me hopeful, and happy for the way people are accepting the change. Then I saw the results of Prop 8, and I seriously cursed. I cursed to all those people, who call themselves religious, but who have no emotion to give happiness to others, who have no sense of equality for human rights. I was sad and felt as if choosing Barack Obama is probably not the change, may be its just...something on surface.

Well, I was sure that the percentage difference wont be much between YES and NO on prop 8, but at least in CA, the expectations were different, the hope of giving chance to people to be human, and to be equal was the need. I personally expected, that prop 8 will not pass and this law will get its right shape. I was sad to see few of my gay friends, crying and feeling hopeless. They have the right to have a family, a life, a commitment, don't they?

On another note, I guess, soon this will create another history. When discrimination and hatred will be taken away by force, by a law. My hopes are on Gavin Newsom, and his better policies for the state of California.

God Bless America!!! ha ha ha, Oh BOY!!! I can't stop laughing at myself...cos I know how many changes, politically, I have noticed in myself due to these elections. Well, change is a need and I am open to change.

I wish those rigid religious people can change themselves too for the betterment of families and happiness.

read more about prop 8 at

VJ coming!

22:16 Posted by Shadows of life

Diwali is around the corner and I have no worries. I am not decorating the house, not buying new cloths, not going to live a life, I used to live, in India at Diwali time and obviously...I am not celebrating it. Not a deliberate decision but I can't, its just not happening. May be because, I have no one to celebrate it with or may be I choose not to celebrate.

Last year, I had HIM...this year I have no one. I know that was the time when I was ignoring, when I was getting ignored, when we were not quite talking to each other, when we were not ourselves, but then I had a hope of celebrations with him...a hope of going to neighbors and distributing candles and candies...and feeling good about it. I enjoyed those moments those its new world, new life :-)

Well to be frank, I have another hope in life now. I have other things to deal with. Shayad isi ko kehte hain - Celebrating, my festivals my ways..not traditional ways any more...reason is not US the A but I am my reason for the change...and remember Change is the only constant thing which is keep changing...So I am change...I am self!

The best part is Today I received my Diwali gift from lovely friends sent it to me...Sweets and Coin. I cried, cos someone there loves me, cares for me. There is someone who I didn't hurt, and there is someone who doesn't hurt me. I know, My family will never ever send anything to me, by post, by courier or even with anyone. They will always say ki poocha to tha, tune nahin bataya ki kya chahiye. Oh ya!!!! I know why they don't send anything ever, cos its expensive to send gifts to anyone...specially their own daughter, own sister, own sibling. Well, its not expensive to receive...oh well no complains. I am happy cos I do have family...there are tons who have no one...

Today or say right now, I am high on life, My two articles got printed in news paper, my lovely friends sent me gifts for Diwali...I am working my ways up in life...and I am happy, peaceful and most important ALIVE!

Thank you friends for being there and being my family...Love you!!!!

Do saal - Oct 15, 2008

00:00 Posted by Shadows of life

ना तूफ़ान दिखा,
ना आंधी आई,
ना चमकी बिजली ही,
ना बुझी शमा ही...

बस यूँ ही गुज़र गया यह बरस भी,
बस यूँ ही बिगड़ गई उस की नज़र भी,
बस यूँ ही फेर ली गई शक्लो-सूरत भी,
बस यूँ ही देश अपना हो गया पराया,
बस यूँ ही उठ गया सर से वो साया,

दो साल हो गए आज...
छोडे उस मिट्टी को...
सूंघे उस खशबू को...
महसूस किए हुए,
उस शान की सभ्यता को...
जिगर से लगाये....
उस ईमान के इश्क को!

दो साल हो गए आज...
दो साल गुज़र गए
गुजरी यादों के साथ...

Copyright 2008 © Vim

yeh ishq nahin aasan...

10:57 Posted by Shadows of life

सजाये ख्वाब खूबसूरत
लगाये प्रेम के उस पे धागे
बनाये आंखों की ज्योति से
रौशनी के लालटेन
एक नज़र ने तेरी ला बिठाया
आसमान के रंगीले बिस्तर पे...

अब हम हैं,
तुम हो,
इश्क है,
और पूरी ज़िन्दगी...
सँवारने को....

Copyright 2008 © Vim


19:16 Posted by Shadows of life

सिलसिला यह तुम्हारी याद का
मिटता नहीं आजकल
मिटता है तो भरोसा ख़ुद से
उलझती सिमटती ज़िन्दगी में
उलझी सिमटी विम से


मेरी सलीब

16:07 Posted by Shadows of life

अपने कांधों पे उठाना है मुझे,
मेरी ही सलीब को
इस शहर में,
इस आसमान के नीचे ही.
यह सलीब, न किसी ने देखी, न जानी ही
अनजानी, इस सलीब को लिए कंधो पे
कोशिश करती हूँ,
पहचानने को, ख़ुद को,
ख़ुद के अन्दर से.
निकालने को, ख़ुद को,
ख़ुद की गहराई से.

और यह सलीब है कि
धकेले जाती है
ख़ुद को ख़ुद में ही...
डोबोये जाती है
अपने ही लहू के पानियों में
लिए इस सलीब को ही
जीना है मुझे
उभरना भी है
आगे बढना भी है
लिए अपनी सलीब अपने ही कांधों पे...

Copyright © Vim

One of those poems, which are making me think alot...making me bring me fixing it friends....I have a junoon to fix it now!

Kids - Future of world!

22:53 Posted by Shadows of life

They say kids don't understand anything, they are just kids...but is it true? Is it true that a seven-eight year old kid is so stupid that he/she is not seeing things, happenings around him/her? I don't believe in it...NO not at all...I still remember what happened when I was a kid. I still remember many things, many views from the age when I was hardly 5 years old.

Lets take as if both the parents are fighting, I know its a weird situation when your parents are fighting and then a kid see all gone away when he/she comes in front...I am sure, it confuses the kid more than making him/her feel that parents are fine...and when a curious mind is confused then its harsh on him/her and they think all the different aspects of situation, yes more different than one can imagine. Those imaginations, those thoughts bring them not always some easy answers, but they do bring answers...who knows what the answers are...

And those unknown unseen answers are nothing more than a dangerous bomb for the kid. Kid acts upon the moment and feel isolated, lonely and sometimes, in my case, most of the time he/she end up with some escapism, some run away situation when ever he/she gets the chance....and that is bad for the society...

make a better society and better families...make a kid satisfy, talk to your kid and explain better way than hiding....Dont let any normal kid become a husband of my kind of woman....

Nostalgic me!!!

20:18 Posted by Shadows of life

Well, I guess I am...I wrote a long email to SA, small four line email to S and called my sis, bhabhi, Maa, Papa and talked all the nostalgic emotional craps....

I talked to bhabhi about physical satisfaction and vibrations, its early morning there...ha ha ha she was just laughing out loud at me...I had fun...but hey Bhabhi, Thanks!!!! No need to say why...he he

I was so anxious today morning so after work I decided to go to a Gurudwars, which I got introduced to by a stranger lady...I went there, it was beautiful, and a clean nice Gurudwara. I read few lines from nitnam path...if you don't know what it is then forget about it...felt really fake peace, no showing off..old memories, harsh moments came in front of my eyes. They seems like a reel is rolling in front of me and I felt like calling someone and confessing my part...whatever that may is!!! But I know better so I didn't call....

I have been listening to this Song/Shabad "Deh shiva, bar mohe ehe...." I am nostalgic....

BTW where is this talk going? Emotional crap to emails to phone calls to vibrators to gurudwara talks...well I am nostalgic. I know its a truth that there is light at the end of every tunnel, its different that tunnel is sometimes small and sometimes never ending...just DO NOT GIVE UP ON THE WAY!!!

Hugs friends, miss you both...never ask how much!!!

Comments pliss!!!!


13:26 Posted by Shadows of life

I have never killed anyone and I cant think of killing anyone either. I am talking about human, not the cockroaches and bugs. I have killed bugs cos they annoy me and they bring nasty feeling in me. I am thinking of killing something inside me,the dead feeling about life. This dead feeling has took me to no where and I am sure it cant take anyone anywhere, but to the darkness of life.

I want to kill that desperation in me and the frustration,which is building up inside me as am too free and finances are not at fun place. I am not sad today, I was a bit sad last night but am back to life. I just want to wake up early, go jogging/gym and start a day with oxygen filled inside me, but this lousy feeling of what to do has been killing me inside out and it has started showing me on my face...damn!!!

I am ordering myself to kill this feeling and move to better envisioned life! Life never stop and you will not get this time abck in your hand V. so move on and do what you are supposed to do.


16:16 Posted by Shadows of life

He didn't write a blog again!!! I am pissed but better not to tell him. he has interviews and life and events and OTHER commitments, I understand but then commitment is the commitment man...He write big words on commitment and then nothing on paper!! well...NO COMMENTS!!!!

I just came from my English class. It was not bad, not too much of a fun either. We were given a essay to write while sitting in class about "The worse learning experience" I was not sure which was my worse one. I tend to think only happy moments from past so I couldn't recall any moment, but I made up a story in my head, envisioned it and wrote two pages in few minutes. We were given almost 2 hours to write...I found a fun thing writing that essay - I love writing! I love it..I am not great at it yet, but I will one day! I have become better from past to now. I am yet not good at making up stories (I couldn't lie very well in my life after all) but I am sure I will be good at making up stories. Then I will finish my many stories I planned to turn in to short films...

Oh boy!!! one day a person cries that he/she has no hopes for life and he/she cant see anything in future and suddenly a small action makes him/her see the whole life in front of him/her..isn't it?

Folks!!! I am not upset that you guys don't write regularly, its totally up to you. If you want to improve then its different otherwise its whatever....jane least leave a comment after you read some one's blog so we know what is your reaction and how you think about others writing...change kaise aayega if we wont know ki sahi kya hai galat kya?


Have a nice day!!! Wish nahin karna aaj mujhe?

One blog!!!

12:04 Posted by Shadows of life

I saw "Mumbai Meri Jaan" today. Its a new Bollywood movie about Mumbai Bomb Blasts, which took place in July 2006. I was in Mumabi at that time. I was at home and was waiting for HIM to come home but he and his phone were far away from me and my networks. I was wondering on streets and waiting for HIM to come back.

In the evening, I cried like a baby when I came to know about these blasts. I prayed to God so many times for many peoples including HIM and I. Today after watching this movie I started a new painting. I am sure I will finish it in one day. Actually, I am planning to start 50,000 things at the same time and have no idea if I will ever finish them, but wants are wondering souls!!!...well I am sounding off track I know that. I am supposed to write about food wine and sex but I am skipping that topic for today and will write about it tomorrow or so.

Mumbai is in the west coast of India and its a very dirty, fast paced and fun city. It is like a Mom to those people who have moved from different part of India to Mumbai, in search of better life, money and better careers. Mumabi is crowded, but still it give space to one and all. I am nostalgic, not because I am missing Mumbai but also I think time is coming to accept the truth...(some other day about that truth) Mumbai is expensive but it pays you back many ways. It is known for its strong spirit and power. I have felt that power and lived that life... Life is the only thing which goes on and change is the only thing which never changes!

I have no idea what I started to write and where I am at...I am not going to read this and correct it, but will stay here and type. I left Mumbai, same year of bomb blasts. That disaster had a big hand in making me believe that I should try and live a life in different country. Another reasons were as big as that reason. Marriage and finances, love and happiness, sexual satisfactions and frustration, human development and resources....all are part of everyone's life. Being a normal human, I wanted all in me, with me. Three 'S' Security, Satisfaction and Self...brought me here, in US. I am happy...I am sad...I am fake...I am real. Los Angeles looks like Mumabi aka Bombay now and it has started becoming same way as it was in India for many including HIM and I. Los Angeles seems Mumabi to me and may be Mumbai will feel like Los Angeles to me one day! Amen!!

I sometimes regret leaving Mumbai and some times I am very happy to leave India. Actually running away was never my choice in life. I wanted to face real life so here i and staying in US the A. I guess this is not running away and if this is then I am trying hard to go back on my tracks!

I guess I was not making sense or may be this was the most sensible I can be.


A Day from Old Diary!

12:04 Posted by Shadows of life

Last night when we came to know about Bomb blasts in local western railway trains of Mumabi, it sounded like a stupid rumor because it was really unbelievable that in 10-12 minutes 7 blasts have happened. But yes it was true and it has destroyed the peace and movement of life for almost everyone in the city. Luckily I was at home and HE was at his office when all this disaster took place. HE was traveling by car and I was unable to contact him. All the phone lines were congested like anything. Thank God, I was online and he sent me his well being on messenger. Around 7 in the night he sent me message that am leaving office which is hardly 8/10 kms (5/6 miles) away from our home and it take 20/25 minutes on normal day and I expected that due to train bomb blasts, people must be taking road route now, so it will be crowded. But after an hour I started getting worried, his phone was also not reachable and in most of my neighbors were at home. Finally I went down stairs of my building and started looking and walking around as if I can keep my mind relax and at ease....that was the time when our security guard of building came and talked to me about how his brother is also stuck some where.

Anyway after two and half hours, HE finally reached safe and secure home. He said that traffic was at its worse. At this time incoming on phones had started and I was able to spoke to HIS parents in US and sent messages to my parents in CHD. Slowly slowly life started coming back on track but everyone was still shaken up and pretty abnormal. Our neighbor aunty and all friends who live around us were home and safe.

Around 12 in the night we bought lots of biscuits and distributed at highway to those people who were sitting in buses and taxis for hours. they were hungry and desperate to go home. We tried to drop some people to their houses and gave lifts to people who stay close to our home. Around 4.30 in the morning we went to sleep and our hearts were full of anger, madness, roughness and rage but at the same time our hearts were giving salute to people of Mumbai for their high spirit and helpful nature, for coming ahead and giving hand to others in troubles, floods or bomb blasts. I salute Mumabi, to Mumbai's spirit....

100 and I!

12:00 Posted by Shadows of life

100 posts down the lane and I am still struggling to understand self, still fighting back love, still telling myself that I will bounce back!!!

I am sure of all the above and happy to know and feel that I am at least happy and peaceful in life...god bless HIM...and if God have some time for me, then please bless me too!!!


Mumbai - Fun, Feast, Festival

18:49 Posted by Shadows of life

Where else would you go when its time to have fun during the Festival and we need Feast...well Mumbai obviously!!!

I lived in Mumbai for pretty long to call it my home land or one of my home lands. The best place to celebrate August to January is no where else but Mumabi. I have seen, enjoyed and obviously celebrated all the festivals there. From Ganpati to Diwali to Ramdaan to Modern festivals like New Year and New job Parties was fun and as much as I remember it will be fun forever if I ever get the chance to celebrate a festival there.

I have lots of memories attached to Mumbai Festival time. Being in the advertising industry, Festival season is THE season to celebrate and make big bucks! I remember once it was a day before Choto Diwali and we were in Marine Lines for a meeting... That day we left early morning for meetings and didn't get the chance to come back until next day. We used to go to town by Motorcycle as its faster than cars and easier than crowded trains. That day while going to town his bike got some how messed up and it took long time for us to reach there. Our meeting got pushed back to evening and while the bike was getting fixed, we arranged new meetings. I had no preparation for coming up festival and no money in time in hand to buy the stuff. So I planned to buy the decoration stuff and some sweets after the meeting but as meetings got stretched, i got no time to buy anything. When we reached back to Andheri, we were starving...I was pissed cos I got no time to buy stuff and happy to get new work...

Finally I decided to speak up. Where he was craving some food, I was looking for shops around andheri station east to buy some thing before mid night. I finally found a small shop which was about to close and next to it was a hand cart wala with fresh pav bhaji and Anda bhurji...we both got satisfied. I prayed to god in my heart for helping me out and not letting him loose his temper.

This is a small event I just remembered with the connection of Festival, Fun, Feast and Mumbai... I have alot more real fun ones!!!!

But those later...


Humble me :))

20:32 Posted by Shadows of life

I purposely skipped my last post just to show my dear committed friends that its easy to skip....and fun to write.. I enjoy it and well I am the one who is a bit over work, no family around and then alot to do all the time...

I finally have joined a school - Yes I am going back to school. I will be associate in a year or two..depends on how many credits I get and achieve. I went to school some 13 years much as I remember it was more of following the discipline and less of studies. I dont mean that I got the double masters and bachelors for free...nope I have worked hard for them specially the Masters and my professional degree. I actually enjoyed and loved those subjects so it was easy as butter..if thats right connection :P

So I guess I am off today's topic which is Humble abode - literally it means where I find my humble abode, my home.... I know why is he giving me all these topics, so I go back to India - Mumbai to be precise!

S. I am not coming back to India and I don't need to give same reasons over and over again but I can write about those in some other blogs.

My humble abode is my place in Hollywood. I love it, I decorate it, I clean it and I enjoy my precious moments here. I am a banjara - Gypsy.. I was born in one city, raised in another and then went to study to the capital of India - New Delhi. Then my profession took me to Mumbai and I loved it...I enjoyed my freedom, my style and my home there as much as I could. Being a banjaran (gypsy woman) I have traveled in most of my country and I am proud of it. After all whats the fun if I dont enjoy and see my own country and roam around in all over the world...right?

So recently, in frustration of being jobless and wasting time mode, I went to shopping with a friend to Ikea ( and bought few things I always wanted to buy but my ex room mate oops my ex husband never liked my style so I never bought. I bought new candles, rug for floor and few more things only for home. I love Ikea stuff, its earthy and ethnic. I am from India after all - these things do attract me. I brought those things home on first day of Roza and wished myself a wonderful Ramdan and decorated my place. Now I need to take few pictures to show it to friends, but my camera is not with me so I have to wait....

After decorating the place I think I want to call this my humble abode, not because I live here and I sleep here...but I love this place, I love coming back to it..and I am lucky to have a place to come back too...

S. I think you need to work on your blogs more than just writing few words in decide how and why...I think I gave you hint.

SA - Missed you, wish you were here to see my humble abode. Thanks for sharing your ranting does make difference in our life. I never got any topic from you so please feel free to share and direct me to another level.

Hugs and tons of Kisses to both of you!

I am not coming back, this time you are visiting me...any one listening?


Mumbai - My first introduction...

19:38 Posted by Shadows of life

So S. gave me topic for the day - Visit to Mumbai.....

Oh well, Visit to Mumbai...hmmm...When the very first time I landed from Rajdhani Express at Central station of Bombay, it was crowded & stinky. I was happy to see crowded station, full of excitement, full of people & kind of happening place...!!!

I was new to Bombay, a friend of a friend came to pick me up. We had never seen each other and cell phones were dreams for us. He had a pager, I had no phone at all. Anoop recognized me, dunno how but he did. I was still worried & scared to be with a guy who is unknown to me but I had a faith in my friend, which made me give a bright smile to Anoop. He took me to local station area, and I was introduced to local trains aka backbone of Mumbai.

I sat in weirdest looking train, empty and stinky. It was Sunday morning. The train took us to Nalasopara, one of the dirtiest suburbs of Mumbai. As I was not aware of Mumbai, so Nalasopara was also Mumbai for me. On the way, I saw Mumbai aka Bombay...the unknown city, the city of fun and the city of fast paced life.

We reached Nalasopara. After a cup of chai, the first thing I did was, checking and counting of my money and my bag thoroughly. I was paranoid not because Anoop was not my friend, but the stories of Mumbai, on top of combination of Mumbai and pickpocketing were common in the world, I came from. :))) Yeah this was my first visit to Mumbai.

Next day I had to reach at the studio in Juhu, where I was going to start working. So I took the train from Nalasopara to Andheri. Train was crazily crowded at 6.30 A.M. and I almost fainted while standing in Ladies coach...I have no idea how I got down at Andheri station but I was at right station. According to Anoop, during peak hours, if you can get down at right station, then you are really lucky. I took a rickshaw from Andheri west to Juhu. At my destination the driver asked for Rs 27, and I seriously had a argument with rickshaw wala...Delhi don't have meter rickshaws after all. I was getting used to the "system".......Rest is the history...

In my 10 days trip to Mumabi I just fell in love with Mumbai. I went back to Delhi and with in two months, I was back to the financial capital of India with my luggage and Dreams, never to leave..never to go back, to make it big in life, to be what I be the part of Mumabi aka Bombay.

Alas!!! I had to leave, Mumbai, Hopes, Dreams and alot more for US, for HIM...but thats another History!!!

A Walk To Remember!

12:05 Posted by Shadows of life

I am back!!! R came and we decided to watch a movie here at my place itself as our other friend was tired. We saw "Thora Pyaar, Thora magic" it was fun movie, good time pass...R ate my cooking and I ate something as well..he he apne haath ka kaun khaata hai yaar!!!

Anyways, The walk to remember, I wanted to skip this topic...YES!!! truly..cos first I couldn't think of any walk which was a memory to me, then after I put pressure on my crazy mind, I remembered THAT day. Oh boy - THAT DAY!!!

As per my habit I try to remember only happy and beautiful moments inside and around me, rather than sad or sulking moments...and this topic reminds me of one sad time...I am not in mood to live that LAMHA right now so here is the copy paste of my walk to remember from that day!!!!!

"I had a interview in a pretty nominated company in industry. It went well and when I came out of interview, I had a miss call on my new cell(I lost my old one just a day before) I have only one number stored in my phone and it was HIM...I called HIM back and he said that I don't have to take bus and then train to home 'cos he is picking me...I felt good cos am not used to travel by buses or trains. I had to take buses because I don't have car right now. So I waited for some 20 minutes and HE picked me up. HE took me to Culver city as he wanted to meet someone. I said, ok...He finished his meeting and we headed back to valley.

While coming back he said he is very late for his office so he cant drop me home and will take me to his office and I cant go inside his office as he hasn't told his boss that he picked me so I can chill out in some cafe for 15-20 minutes and then when HE will go for his next meeting which is in half an hour, he will take me with him...I had no option so I agreed. I did mentioned that if he can drop me somewhere around house I will walk to will take bus, but he said don't worry will take you home soon. I had no friends number or internet connection with me but I thought its ok, will wait for 20/25 minutes.

So I waited in sharp sunny day at 1.30 in the afternoon...1.40...2.00 he said that meeting is pushed so will leave in sometime. I went to restaurant for food, I was done with food. I relaxed at 2 different places and didn't know what to do so I called him and asked how much more time. He said he will call me back in 5 minutes, so I said fine. I had his car keys so I sat in the car and waited for is standing in sharp is very very low on gas, I cant use ac also...I am sitting in it, still communications...2.45...I sent text msg that am burning in the reply...3.01 he sent msg to me, 2 minutes, I was like thank god....3.10 no reply, no HIM and no patient left in me...I am mad and cant wait in sun with full of sweaty body, thirsty and tired...I sent msg to him reply...3.12...enough of wait.

I left his office and started walking towards home, which is approx 3 to 5 miles from HIS office...I was walking in sharp crazy sun and mind is really restless...still communications...3.27 he called me...I didn't take the call....I was still walking...sun is now burning my face, I was still walking...3.40, he called back again I didn't take the call again and I was crying while walking on street, people who were going around were looking at my face with questions...I was still walking but now am a bit unsure of the way.......he sends me msg...I'm Sorry......I finally found a way to my apartment. I was walking its almost an hour and sun has burnt my face and open skin and my tears are burning on my face....I reached around my apartment...more 10 minutes and I will be inside, a black guy says excuse me, I look at his face, he said do you have a boyfriend, I said yes and I was back to walk, I am downstairs of my apartment and another black guy said hey, beautiful and walked away. I was still crying....I opened door and enter the building...I still didn't forget to take the mail. I reached upstairs and went straight to bedroom, looked at my face in mirror and my face is sharp maroon color.....Sun had burnt my face well.

It reminded me other incident of my life with HIM when I had to run away from my house 'cos he had hit me to death in front of my office people and he had slapped me so hard on face that it was red color all my face has same color...

I don't know what should I call this incident...a domestic violence, a coincident of his busy life or struggle in America."

Indian Independence Day - More observations

16:10 Posted by Shadows of life

Today is Indian Independence day...I am out of India and its my second year in a row when I am in USA at this wonderful moment of Indian history...Although I remember the way my neighbors used to celebrate Independence day in Delhi and I used to hate the day for its celebrations...for this day to be in my life. And yeah!! I have another association too, I tasted my first alcohol on August 15 some years back...he he what a day to choose when this day is known Holiday and a dry day in India (dry day in India means its illegal to consume alcohol on that specific day) In India this day is a national holiday and it always seems weird to work on August 15...but I am working since 2 years on same day...and I take it just as a weird fleeting feeling.

Oh well, History wise, India got its independence from British in 1947 while it got torn apart in two pieces. One is India aka Hindustan and another is Pak aka Pakistan. Independence was the biggest need in 1947, specially when all those precious beautiful culture and civilization was getting stolen by Englishmen. Hundreds of Thousands of people gave their lives for India, for its freedom, for its culture, its ethnicity, to have own lives, own choices, own voices for own decisions...Yes, Independence was needed in 1947. Today 61 years after we got free, what did we achieve, what have we gained, what are we doing and how are we saving our culture, our civilization and our ethnicity - This question bug me day and night. My final goals of life are going to be the reply to this question, for myself, for my existence, when I will help my country by working towards it, working with it, with my medium of Documentaries and Pictures...ways to go and tons of dreams to achieve...on my way to that point of life...AMEN!!!!

I was born in India and was raised in Punjab, a Northern state of India. I was raised typical Indian & Punjabi way, special ingredients were both the languages (Punjabi & Hindi) my parents spoke and all kind of North Indian food. I just love both special ingredients as a big part of my life. Now when I live out of India I miss these two things the most in my life, languages and food. To save these special ingredient of my life, my existence I fight back with my own self, I speak in Punjabi and Hindi through out with myself when I think and talk to myself. I try to save the love for Indian food by sharing my love with others...and to explore new ways each day, each ways....ways to go!!!

Another thing I noticed when I first move here that many Indians are stuck in the year they left India. This means if a person, who left India to move to USA in 1960s, that person is still living in India of 1960s...he/she is not grown out of those feelings, culture and styles...although he might have grown up in USA the United States way. This has been a big confusion for me cos I think one can easily accept a lot if they wish to accept. The worse are my kind of people who have left country in 21st century, the time when India is more developed, more progressing and more strong economically. The reason is simple cos we are already very independent mind set and we are all open to the new world in different way than those Indian-Americans, who came in 60s-70s. I sometimes wonder why do they get stuck in these kind of fixed feelings. Is it generation gap or is it THE love for their country which don't let them grow out of fixed emotions? Or may be its the insecurity of loosing your own culture in this kind of county? What is it? Why is this making a normal person a weirdo, a strange human? The answers are yet not here but may be I do have them inside me, hidden inside me...some where, where I don't look much, may be in my behavior of observations....I have the deep urge to find them....

Any which way - Happy Independence day to all friends, readers, known, unknown...all!

ill- effects of USA to Indian in me...

18:44 Posted by Shadows of life

I am always very strong person who don't get allergies and who is always fine with any kind of food etc...but since last one year I have been feeling weird allergies or say nasal blockage during summer or dust time. I lived in India for 30 years and I was dealing with dust, dirt, garbage, water over flow and what not on daily basis and I was always fine, I never had any physical reaction more than a word or two about it..but then I moved to USA, a clean and green country, a superficial and smart country...I lived here couple of years and I got used to life and style of America.

I don't know why and how I am facing allergies now a days. I am going through this weird part of summer, air conditioner and dust reactions on my body. I remember it clearly that in India I used to smell a lot of spices all over the kitchen at home, roads side stalls and other places and I used to sneeze in with in few minutes my nose used to be clear and clean, but here....oh well, I don't cook much and on top of that I cant eat as spicy food as before so in home there is no spicy tadka, chawnk etc is possible (well my smoke alarm can call the fire station in seconds too) and we don't experience masala smells on streets either and not even any smells, any smoke of fire etc so my conclusion is simple: I probably always had these allergies(cant take it that I got it in US) but with those smells and tadkas I always got the chance to clean and clear my throat and nose...and here I have to take Claritin-D to keep myself away from congestion and blockage of nose and throat...:(((

I just cant accept myself to that level where I can call myself NRI (non resident Indian) cos I am hard core Indian and I never enjoyed typical NRIs and never wanted to be the one...oh well...I am done writing on this subject as I seems to be hypocrite myself...shame on me!!!

DAMN IT!!!!!!!

Yosemite - Sequoia - Giants - Day Two....

16:00 Posted by Shadows of life

I couldn't sleep very well a night before but I had to wake up as per Arun's order so when he tried to wake everyone one got up but me and I told Meha to wake up and she said something in Gibberish, which sounded like 'I am not waking up this early'...and I went back to sleep..with a weird headache. Two hours later we were all doing some thing or other, yelling, screaming, talking in our ways and getting ready to go..Meha talking on phone, Sohyun putting up make-up, Samir is in shower, Smita fixing things and Arun on laptop and I was just being lazy and thinking about my weird headache roots...oh well!!!!

So finally we left the motel and reached to a place called South end of the park. Samir took separate way than we did so he reached straight to the south entrance gate and we were sent from other entry as parking lot over there was full. We again took the shuttle, it was crowded..obviously lots of people were out for July 4th weekend. Meha & I got seats and we started talking to Indian family standing next to us and came to know they are from Pakistan and they are like most of Indians and Pakistanis (Desis in American style) wants to visit each others countries and see the other side...(will write some other time about it)

After reaching to the place, where tram tickets are available and where you get in to trams to start a visit in to the giants, yes the giant trees..those are known as Sequoia. We had to wait a little before we get in touch with Samir and Smita but eventually we were one group together and got into the same tram. While checking the trees and the whole walk I was kept thinking about walking through those big trees and going and touching them rather just listen to the story about it and seeing from far, but that's the disadvantage we have to live with, when we are in group. Anyhow we reached to the museum and saw the beautiful trees and lovely surroundings..I planned to go walking all the way back which was around 2 miles the second stop I decided that its just 0.8 miles and I DO want to walk back, surprisingly the whole group was ready...we gave our headphones etc back to the tram driver and went to see the tunnel in the tree...
Yes!!! this was a tunnel in the tree and it is beautiful, we all took different, weird, fun pictures at that small place and suddenly noticed a deer...ya ya ya its a National park and animals are part of it etc etc etc...Deer was beautiful and we were just staring at it..took few pics and few more and few more...and started walking/hiking. I was feeling relaxed and easy by now as I was able to make a connections with trees and place..I went to touch few trees and took pics of tons of giants...laughing out loud, singing, eating and teasing each other we reached to the entrance of the giant tour..

Now we had some thoughts and some plans for the rest of the day but we missed our shuttle so we did the Indian thing - we 6 people sat in one car, a two door ford..and reached back to the south entrance. By this time it was around 4. We were not tired but hungry, really hungry no place to eat. After digging in our bags we found nothing but snacks in our holding our real appetite and dreams to make the trip a success, we started our journey to the most spectacular view of the world, Glacier point....but before that...few pics...

Yosemite - Weekend spent well...two

23:40 Posted by Shadows of life


After experiencing waterfall and climbing rocks, we started our walk...ate a little, had one more beer and took the shuttle...all of us were giggling and joking in the shuttle and singing Hindi songs with full masti and fun...and a comment from another fellow Indian American (?) arre yahan to live sa re ga ma chalu hai...saale...**giggle**

while we were in the shuttle I noticed a beautiful lake, a lovely scenery and I insisted on getting down the shuttle so we can go and enjoy a little over there...Arun was a bit pissed but he finally liked it (I guess) I loved that peaceful and lovely place. It was nice and beautiful...enjoyed a bit took few pics, walked on small bridge...went back to shuttle stand, took the shuttle to next stop. We were supposed to see some bridge but I am not sure which one was that cos we never went to any bridge afterwords but we did some hiking, some masti, some singing and some more photography.

At the end of the day when everyone was pretty much dead tired we took shuttle to Curry Village...managed to get seats and ate whatever was available...and by this time we all had enough of walking, singing, photography and masti...although I was not done with photography but my camera SD card was full and I had no ability to click more :(((

Taking a shuttle was easy but the driver told us to shut the loud music we were playing from our phone :(( actually good cos we were seriously live singing team by then...

As it was a National Park it was dark..and I mean it DARK is not just a little dark, it was deep, unknown, unseen dark all over and weird feeling...cell phone light was the shinny light...there was no light but a man in trolley kind of vehicle with light on his head was driving here to there to no where...We managed to locate our cars and the moment we Sat in it, we were sure, tonight is going to be a long night...we were really tired and irritated with tiredness.

We reached to 'Patel Motel' safely and first thing we did was checking emails and changing and go to sleep...I took longer as I wanted to transfer my pictures to laptop and then charge the battery of my camera. While we were doing that we had another beer and in an hour we all were deep a sleep to wake up only in at 6.30 in the morning..or at least that's what we thought...


Yosemite - Weekend spent well..

20:57 Posted by Shadows of life

I went to Yosemite with few friends on July 4th weekend. It was my first holiday with friends in almost 7 years...All these years I was going for holiday with HIM..but as he is not in life, I finally planned to take a vacation and arranged everything...We left on July 3rd 2008 at around 7.30. Arun, one of team mate was driving and he really scared the hell out of all...He was driving fast and a bit rough...anyways we reached Yosemite inn safely and met with Samir and Smita, who joined us from Fremont...we were kept chatting until it was 3 AM. Meha yelled at all of us to go to sleep so we can actually go to Yosemite national park next day instead of sleeping in our rooms.

Next day we woke up and got ready and left for national Park...OMG!!!! the moment we went half a mile away from hotel, it was all beautiful rocks and lovely skoa trees...we could not take out eyes off and camera shutters were kept clicking one after another. We didn't stop on the way even after we wanted to cos we planned to reach the destination was more beautiful plan for us. We reached to the national park inside at around 2.30 and took a shuttle and went to visitor center. Took all the info and bought some sandwiches and beer and went hiking for Yosemite waterfall...we stopped far from waterfall thinking this is the real view and went crazy with pictures and poses. Anyhow we finished some sandwiched and few beers and started the hike again...we were kept walking and suddenly I noticed the place which is THE REAL WATERFALL...we couldnt take our eyes off that beautiful place and serene calm water flowing through the mountains. I took my shoes off and threw away my backpack and just jumped into the water and while crossing all rocks I managed to climb half the way when I looked back and saw Samir was in the water...yes he fell down..oh well, poor chap lost his cell, camera and few bucks in the water. He found the camera and cell but both were not working...:(((
I was pretty far at this point, I easily could have gone down, but the beauty of waterfall pulled me and I kept climbing up...I stopped after reaching write next to the fall, water was soaking me and I was lying on the big rock..this was the time when I felt really really serene...calm and peaceful. I thought even if I wont go to any other sight of national park, I will be fine with it cos its worth the money and fun to be here right now.
At water fall I noticed one funny thing, weird too I guess...all those people who reached at the top were mostly Indians, mostly means around 80%. It was funny for me but another truth was they were mostly Gujjus...ha ha
Oh well, This was the first step...we got to experience much more than this beautiful fall....
To be continued..

Patang aur Us ki Dori....

04:43 Posted by Shadows of life

पतंग कट गई
उड़ गई डोरी अकेले
साथ देने का वायदा जो किया था
वो डोरी आज है कहीं
पतंग है कहीं और

इस पतंग के संग रही डोरी
इस डोरी ने उड़ना तो सिखा ही
संग दिया उड़ने का भरोसा भी
सिखा डोरी ने जीना
तो सिखाया जीना भी
सहना ढेर सा
सह पाना उस से ज़्यादा
उस सहने की हिम्मत गई जब थम
उड़ गए वो अकेले अकेले
अपनी दिशा की ओर...
पतंग और पतंग की डोरी...

© Vim

July 03 2008
4.33 AM

End of the Exile - Banwaas ka ant...

17:02 Posted by Shadows of life

There was a time in my life when I was emotionally dependent on 4 things/people in my life.

1. My Female cat - Dudette
2. My Male cat - Monk
3. My Advertising Agency - Fearless
4. My Husband - HIM

Almost 2 years ago, the time came - when I chose to join my husband and his family in USA to live happily ever after for ever. I got rid of all materialistic things & all important/unimportant stuff and moved here. Sadly, I couldn't bring my cats so I had to give them away.

Monk, who was my lovely baby, went with Mish and I am happy that she actually loved and cared for him alot.

My brother wanted to keep Dudette, I took Dudette to him and my parents. Dudetteis always going to be my very first baby. She was a beautiful gift from HIM. She was always there with me when I went through severe depression and when I all alone in life.

I had to close my advertising agency, so I fixed all accounts, paid everybody got rid of all work and clients and holding HIS hand I entered in USA.

USA is a beautiful country, lovely clean place, also known as the land of opportunities and dollars. I dont know if if opportunity and dollars came into my hand, but I started missing my life in Mumbai specially my professional life at Fearless.

Fearless died first, with our (husband & I) hopes of better love and best living in US.

Then Dudette ran away from my parents house and even after everybody tried hard to find her, she was untraceable. Some one told my brother that she is dead.

With time things went upside down so much that I had to leave HIM and the relationship died. The relationship which started before anything else I mentioned above.

Today morning, I got email from Mish that few days back Monk passed away.

I lost everything. Today I am empty hand and I am back to where I started. When I met HIM, I was living alone in Mumbai, struggling to be an actress. Then came Fearless and then Dudette, followed by Monk. Today I am all alone, struggling and living a life to be the one who is real 'VJ' Life is hard today, and a bit harsh too but...

On the positive note, I would like to remember one old thought - "when every thing comes to an end, a new life starts' & 'after fall comes spring'

Even if I am all alone, all by myself and broken, I believe, this is The End of old chapter of my life and here starts my new life, a new chapter & my own search for myself.

I lived 14 years of Banwaas (exile) I am hoping to get atleast 28 best years of my life. I have been praying to that unknown, unseen God...hope to get blessings from friends, family and loved ones too :))) I am looking forward to that best life, which will help me come out of my 14 years of struggle and harsh days (1995 - 2008)



America VS India

23:35 Posted by Shadows of life

Today I was resting in HIS arms for hours, he was so sweet to me and I wanted to save and remember those moments of love and kisses with hugs and touches....AH!!! it came to an end, he cried then I did and then I cried and he did....I was nostalgic. We tried our best, as much as we could...BUT.......

After I left his place, I went home, instead of parking the car, I started driving on unknown streets, bus yun hiii......Then, I went out and ended up in a wine tasting bar, this bar was a common place to hang out for us, just a block from his place and fun time pass...drink a bit pay a bit and move on....

The host know both of us pretty well, I was happy to see old people around me..he was smiling, Soon he will be a daddy of a boy...his wife is pregnant. He is excited and happy...I could not resist telling about us when he asked me about HIM, to my surprise, he didn't asked me what and why...and straight gave me his hand and said CONGRATS, and said, 'now u will live your life'...damn!!! I was surprised and happy and sad and what!!! this is America.......This is western culture...



23:39 Posted by Shadows of life

What provoke a woman to be herself, and to kill her husband or/and to leave her husband?

Nothing special, just the choice to be herself...



20:55 Posted by Shadows of life

The day I gave up on marriage...and gave keys to his place to him...I wrote this:

आज सब बन्धन तोड़ डाले
तोड़ डाले अन्सूयों के बाँध
आज छोड़ दिया उस चाहत को
जिस चाहत से बंधी थी शादी की गाँठ...

सब छोड़ दिया छोडा जिस दिन उस का हाथ,
सब थे मेरे संग, उस के संग थी सिर्फ़ वो टूटी गांठ

© Vim


14:34 Posted by Shadows of life

बरसात में भीगे मेरे आंसू
तुम को छू रहे हैं
छू के कह रहे हैं
कहो एक बार फीर से 'जान' मुझे
पुकारो ले के मेरे नाम से जुड़ा
तुम्हरा नाम मुझे

भीगे इन आंसुयों से जुड़ी ज़िंदगी
लगने लगी है हर दीन कुछ और कम
आंसू चले थे बस कुछ देर साथ देने को
अब वो लगने लगे है हमदम

छू लो इन आंसुयों को और कहो
फीर से एक बार
तुम ही हो यह
बस तुम ही
न है यह अन्दर का छीपा तुम्हरा गम
न है छीपा राक्षस यह
न ही कोई तड़पता बचपन...

गर यह ही है सच तो आओ,
कहो एक बार 'जान' मुझे
इन अन्सूयो को करो जुदा
इस बारिश से
रहने दो बारीश को बस बरसात
और अन्सूयो को सिर्फ हँसी मेरी

© Vim

Why to kill?

14:54 Posted by Shadows of life

And now blasts in Sri Lanka...why?

Who benefits from the blasts?

Who feels good after killing innocent people?

Who feels good after all this crap all over the country?

Who is it?

People say terrorists do these kind of acts...but terrorists are humans too..they also have families and hearts.

Some one told me that it is part religious to kill people cause they don't accept our that really the truth?

Well, isn't it is bias? Isn't it is one way thinking? For that god, whom no one has seen, who we believe as one power for the world, who has no face, no name and no specific side to take, killing for that god...isn't that just ridiculous? Then why do people, not any specific one, but general religious people pressure god on some one else's life? I have heard excess of anything is bad, then excess of believing in god is a bad thing too...I cant get over this thought that god can make someone kill some one else, because the person who is getting killed is not believing in one specific stupid does this sound, forget applying to the life?

On the personal level I have faced excess of stress in my life and excess of giving myself to my love and the results were not good...I have no clue that the result was due to excess of love and stress or just plain co-incident or may be a combination of both. Even if it was result of excess, I never got feeling of killing somebody, hating someone or being bad to any specific one.

Any which way..why blasts? Why hurt somebody? Why kill? Why give pain to those people who don't deserve.

If someone wants to give pain, do it to those rapists who rape little girls and kill their lives, give pain to those who are called humans but hit their wives and kids and who act crazy...why give pain to some random people who are just living their lives, their dreams and their own selves.....Why?

In the end I can say only this, that I was crying for a small pain that I am going through, the pain of a broken relationship, and I found so many people sitting away from their countries, away from their families, their cultures, their own selves, who are crying to just get in touch with any one in their family or even neighbors to find out if all is well in their their lives. And then I cried, I cried out loud, without even caring that people are staring at me and I am being watched in public...but I cried for those who are dead, for those who still have to accept the truth that their families are gone and I cried for those who are killing someone innocent, someone unknown, someone random, someone somewhere...I cried for killers...and felt sorry for them because they could not think beyond a limit...may God bless their minds and they see the right path in life. May god bless them. Please god give them power to think beyond you..beyond them...beyond pain.


I miss my love - Do you?

17:33 Posted by Shadows of life

Isnt it is so funny that how someone looses all her powers, wit, life, emotions and what not when she goes in front of the person she loves? When she see that he is sitting online on the other side, when she notices he is so happy in his life and she is all alone and sad...

Isnt its funny to see how someone just miss the life cos she love HIM?

Oh well...I guess that what love makes you - Weak (kamzor)

I still love my love and at this point I rather not say that to him...oh well!!! what a life...ha ha ha

bus yun bhara tha to likh daala...


Aisa to nahin ki un se mohabbat nahin rahi........

02:00 Posted by Shadows of life

कहता है कौन की उन से मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही, लेकिन साथ जीने की ताकत नहीं रही

वो देखें इस जहाँ को जीस नज़र से
हमारी चाह तो रही, लेकिन बस वो नज़र नहीं रही

दुनीया के डर ने था रखा जो साथ साथ हमें
उस डर की अब डरावत नहीं रही

कहता है कौन की उनसे मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही, लेकीन संग जीने की हीमाकत नहीं रही

चाह तो बहुत की जी ले उन के संग
लेकीन संग रह के जाना की जीने की ही चाहत नहीं रही

सोचा यूं भी की, भूला के देखें ख़ुद को
लेकीन ख़ुद को भूला के फीर न वो रहे न मैं ही रही

कहता है कौन की उनसे मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही लेकीन उस मुहब्बत की ही फीर चाहत नहीं रही...

© Vim

On HIS birthday - 2008

Death - Period

21:51 Posted by Shadows of life

Have you seen death...have you seen it coming right in front of your eyes and asking you if you want to die or not...and then if you r weak it takes you away from this beautiful world, the world you probably have not seen yet, the world which is not even your own yet...Death takes u away...and then you have no connection with this world?

I have seen death, right in front of my eyes, coming towards me and showing me that I am worth a lot for this world. I have seen death not less than 3 times. I always give 3 chances before I quit anything, and I have quit to be with the man who has brought me to the point where I saw death...I gave more than 3 chances to HIM before he showed me what death is...I saw death first time, the very first time when he was choking me to death, sitting on my chest and pressing against my throat with one hand and his knees were on my both arms so I cant move them, and his one hand was slapping me over and over again.....I saw death...I saw blackout and I saw DEATH...I gave another chance to him cos he regretted so many times for making me go through that moment...I gave him chance, second time he showed me death when he again choked me next to that metal closet in my bedroom in Mumbai and he was pushing me against it and it was next to wall and it had no room to move any more &v I had no room to move more....I saw death, I didn't blacked out that time but I saw it coming towards me and I have no clue how I stopped it, third and last time I saw death on freeway 101 while going to Brooks institute where I wanted to study and help me make my life in US with him. I saw death coming right in front of my face, when he was hitting me with his one hand and another hand was on steering wheel and he was driving 110 miles per hour....I saw death right in front of my eyes and I was weak.....I was weak but I guess death saw some strength in me and it stopped right away and HE took an exit and I got down his car at that very moment...and I never went back to his place to live, I moved out that very day and I no matter how much I tried I could not give up on him....

Then came the time when I saw a world of my own emotions, of my own hopes and my own expectations, and then I tried to give up on him. I wanted to gave up on my husband, but my emotions were kept holding me back. I talked to a close friend. I never expected that I will ever discuss this with him. He told me that I am precious and I am worth it and then I tried to cut my relations with this friend of mine. Just because he told me THE truth and it was a harsh truth and I was escaping truth........

I finally talked to myself, it took me sometime to realize that I am actually worth it and I can do it all alone by myself.

Today, I am giving up on my husband, today I am giving up on him and I am done with him. I want to finish this relationship cos I feel I am really worth living in this world and I am precious.....I want to live, with out seeing death coming on my face............I deserve to live... PERIOD.


Freeway and I

11:47 Posted by Shadows of life

I live with one and only one excitement now-a-days – Driving. I love driving, still I have hidden worries and scary moments related to driving and I feel worried to drive on freeways. I try to go on side streets, as much as I can and as much as I want. I went to the real other side of town by side roads which is normally known as the area which is un touchable if we don’t have freeways in Los Angeles, but I went there and I didn’t felt bad as it takes almost similar kind of time to go there through freeways and it is not that of a easy route all the time on freeways too. I have got stuck many times on freeways and I have got many a times delayed because we were on freeways.

He hit me while driving on freeways and that feeling come in my mind when I am about to go close to freeways. I drove there before with my instructor and once with him too, but I just couldn’t take it happily. First time I drove on freeway I came back home and I declared that I love driving. I want to keep driving for ever and ever, but I am driving all the time especially now a days when I go from side streets and I take some time a longer time than usual but I am happy that I am driving and I am able to be accessible to the places I want to go to. I am happy that I am not dependent on him any long and I am able to be myself when I drive.

I have been listening to the music I normally have never enjoyed, yes the hip hop and I am enjoying it so much. I come to work each day and I listen to same music online so I remember its lyrics and then I can sing while driving with the singer. It is weird but funny and exciting for me. I enjoy it. Simple reasons: it has a loud expression of simple words and loud music which keeps me going and which makes me concentrate on my driving. I listen to Hindi and Bhangra music as well. I don’t keep my windows close and listen but I enjoy listening to music when my windows are rolled down and I am driving in a proper speed and then it’s a fun time to have loud and exciting music going on…AH!!!! What a fun is driving. I wish I could just take my heart and mind away from crappiness and go on freeways and drive all over the world. Hmmm actually it will be fun to drive all over the world….exciting he he he…

Enjoy the world when you are here, and forget about it when you are not here…I meant sleep yaar!!!


Weird Random thoughts

11:21 Posted by Shadows of life

So yesterday I was coming back from my flower shop job (I work on weekends in a flower shop) and I was so sleepy and sun was extra shinning and it was crazy hot. I was tired as usual, and working 7 days a week was torturing me. I don't get a single day off the work to rejuvenate myself and feel fresh, on top of that I am so stressful about my financial condition since few weeks that I am working few extra hours here and few there

Well back to story about my driving back from work. I was listening to a story and interview on NPR (National Public Radio) it was about addiction and dependency on addiction etc. I was totally into the story and I was kept thinking about his addictions and his dependency and my life and him as my addiction in my life. I was driving on regular streets with 40+ speed where I am suppose to drive at only 35 and lower. I don't know what was I thinking. I didn't go through any accident and Thank God, I didn't fall asleep behind the wheel, but this thought occur all of a sudden to me and I was scared and started loud music so I don't fall asleep and drove home safely. OH gosh!!! I could have killed someone or myself, I could have gone through worse...I don't know why was I thinking too much about addiction, why was I insanely careful too.

I was not careless at all, I was driving safe..but why am I so worried that I might will have an accident, or is it the impact of the dream I had few days back where he killed me from cliff of a mountain in Jeep? I have no idea where this scary feeling is coming up from but I am scared, not scared of driving but to drive weird w/o a thought...I am listening to Hip hop (now a days its my style of music) but it keeps me up and running and I don't pay attention to my weirdest thoughts. I need a break, a break from daily same style routine and daily life, break from sad moments of life, break from marriage and its institution, break form generally works and behaviors of life...ah..but if I wont pay my bills I will get break from everything too...Priorities girl, choose your priorities...and I have chosen one - to earn and just to earn as much as possible so I can Learn and finish my college.

God Save me....he he he directly came from God Save America!!!! I just wanted to write random thoughts and here I did...should add more later...back to work in office.