Shadows of Life

"Welcome to my personal space. Please read, enjoy and don't forget to comment - Life is too short to wake up with regrets."

Naps always makes me crazy...

17:32 Posted by Shadows of life

I took a nap after work today. I am still waking up...I saw a weird dream; My car (black color car, I have silver color car when is it again) has got towed as I didn't put enough quarters in meter.

While I am looking for my car every where, people are trying to come close to me to take pictures with me. I have no idea what is happening, but one of my kids (work kids) who, in reality I saw after long time today, tells me you were on ABC 7 news(the only news channel I see)where they showed my work and mentioned that Indian actress and photographer is amazing and her work speaks for it self etc etc...and also told that she is working with kids...Stupid me, instead of running towards TV and looking at myself, is asking people if I can go and find the cop and bring my car back...

When I finally found a way out, suddenly a cart (typical Indian country side cart with a cow) comes in front of me. All those people who I have rejected on FB are sitting on the cart and wishing me good luck for future. Before I could respond, I heard Papa's thick voice," She is too lazy to anything, let her be like this" and I woke up...

Weird V...

spoken - unspoken

09:11 Posted by Shadows of life

I feel lost, I feel happy and then weirdness of accepting it and not acceptance has created a layer, which is spread like fresh spring waters underneath me.

I enjoyed hanging out with 'J' I saved some precious moments, and looked at some complex issues by speaking up. The touch was beautiful, hands were cold and warm at the same time, I felt precious, but....there was something which had weird awkward feeling. It was there but I couldn't see it, I was able to feel it but I couldn't touch it. The food was yummy, coffee was needed and music was just random add on....I wish I could play real loud music, the one I really enjoy, and I wish I could keep few lit candles around... Moonlight, mixed with street lights, the darkness on face and spark coming from the touch of two hands.....Then what was so random, so unaccepting, so uncanny about the evening?

Thousands of dreams to live for and hundreds of thousands to die with.

Jeez, good that crazy week is over!

Random thoughts...before I control!

22:51 Posted by Shadows of life

I am emotionally weary, tired, messed up. I need to practice my meditation. I need to start Yoga... peace V Peace...1...2...3...4...5...!!!

Here are few random thoughts which are moving like slides in front of my eyes...

I am seeing the first day I saw him; I saw 'J' the day he came first time there, I didn't pay any attention to him, and guess he didn't either. When I saw him properly next time at other place of the same house, we exchanged hello and a smile. I felt a funny feeling, he is something...I guess he surely is. He is becoming part of messed up emotions...and I am messing up.

I know I have issues, regarding privacy...I am sure we all have, in different ways!

I am kicking my butt myself, by not reading, drafting and editing the finished script. I am messing up with my writings, my work...

I cant just say anyone. I am a mess...I need to say 'T', to 'J' and to many...for many things, many feelings and for many lost connections.

It was supposed to be a great day...

Confession of present!

02:01 Posted by Shadows of life

I read many of my old blogs. I had a reason to read, I wanted to cut the crap of too personal feelings from few of them. My most of the blogs which I wrote before July are full of superficial love for HIM and those I wrote after July are mature, are more with the weight of earth underneath.

I started seeing my therapist, from July 24, 2008. Today, I feel as if I don't even care about the guy I married. I always used to say that I don't regret marrying HIM, but in my last session with my therapist, I cried like a little baby, as it brought back memory of that moment, when I first identified his addiction of Marijuana. I cried, and saw every single description of that day; those pots; laptop;him rolling a joint; his anger; and shocked me in the kitchen door...

I am at a better place today physically, emotionally and psychologically. I feel it and I live it peacefully. My senses are more awake now, I feel more deep down for myself, I appreciate my value more than ever.

It remind me a moment from my training I attended couple of days back: People who want to care for others, stop self-care...I was there once, but now I try to eat better, I try to live well, and I do try to take care of my health better than before.

Random me...

I am my strength

01:40 Posted by Shadows of life

When things don’t go right, I cry. When future seems blurry, I cry. When I feel the failure is hitting me hard, I cry. This is not a weakness, but a strength, which helps me gaining back my moments, which I lost on the way to here, while growing up.

I am a success, a success which makes me happy but keep others away from me….I am all alone and I know, I can hold my hand and let go of the feeling of loneliness!

I am a big block of bricks, I stand on it and watch the world from my eyes of love and faith, humanity and inspiration.

I love living!!!


02:01 Posted by Shadows of life

I have been feeling "block" in me. Block for writing, reading, and sometimes even to wake up. Not that I don't have things to do, not that I have no money or whatever...I am just feeling 'blocked'

I need some inspiration, I need to be busy day and night, I want to write, read and do and night. What the hell is going on....someone up there...are you even listening? DO you even care anymore?

~~~V~~~ write something...finish reading book...stop wasting life in chatting, do something substantial girl...



18:56 Posted by Shadows of life

I saw a dream today, when I was half awake, half asleep. I slept very early last night so I woke up at 3 AM, obviously not the right time to be up at, so I tried to go back to sleep....and I saw this dream!!

I was on my bed and dead...and people calling me on my cellphone, sending me text messages and emails, but no one knocked at my door though and as I was dead, I am not taking calls, messages, emails.....for days. no one bothered to do anything about it. No one will do it either. In the present situation of the world, everyone is busy and everyone has a life of their own. No one wants to feel disturbed, so no one disturb others either. So anyways, after few days when I didn't return any phone call, any message, a friend came over and saw my car outside, knocked on my door and I don't know how, but she came inside...after opening the door she smelled the dead body, and she got scared and left without informing anyone......!!!!

This is call solitude and solitaire living!!!

Funniest is I saw all this happening...and I recognized that friend too...Nah!!! I wont tell who she was :P

Nah friends, I don't want pity or sympathy, but I do want to share this weird dream.....Dreams: thousands dreams to live for..and hundred thousands to die with!!

हजारों ख्वाईशें ऐसी की हर ख्वाइश पे दम निकले
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, लेकिन फिर भी कम निकले...


The beginning, That was!!!

16:39 Posted by Shadows of life

A blaze feeling, a bit lost thought and an emotion to do something in one go; but it came from her, so I accepted it right away. Although I didn't understand it well at that point, but over the weeks, I got excited about it and finally we reached to a point, where we realized that it was actually happening. By this time I was really curious to do it.

It was the night of Dec 30, 2008, when she sent me a text to pack my bags; as we will be leaving by 1:00 PM. I packed all I needed, did whatever I was supposed to and slept in peace, dreaming about a new city, new experience.

Dec 31st, around 12.15 PM, she called and said, “I will be there soon, be ready”. I was thrilled, a long drive, a journey and most important, I will be out of LA for THAT mid-night. I was waiting eagerly when she reached to my place at around 2.00 PM. We kept our bags and other stuff in the car and without any doubt, we just left...I started driving, and we were on highway 5 within few minutes, going towards North California.

Ms. Dhano, her GPS, informed us that we will be there by 8.33. No problem. We will be there on time, and if we drive fast, we will reach early enough to get dressed on time. Almost after 2 hour of drive, we noticed the time on Dhano was different, it stated 9.20 PM, panicky feeling started coming in. She was a bit nervous and I was a bit relaxed as I was on driving seat...

SHOOT!!!! the cars in front were stopped, it was crowded and I-5 was pretty blocked. We got stuck, the bad traffic took another hour or so. Dhano informed us that we will reach there by 10.28. We looked at each other and decided not to get worried, although we were really sad. We took a small break, went to restroom and she started driving. It was all well until we noticed that its getting hard to cover 6 hour journey in exact 8 hours. The level of rush went up again.

Through out the way music was fun, company was great. In between road suddenly looked empty, so she started driving at almost 90+ dangerous speeds, but safely. We were in contact with those acquaintances, who were taking us out for party. According to them, late comers should reach directly to the party. Then came that idea, from me, but we both agreed on it. We knew that we can’t make it on time anymore, so we took a stopover at a motel/inn. We impressed that Indian owner, paid her 30 bucks and used the motel room. We changed, got dressed into our sexy dresses, high heels and beautiful makeup. Within 35-40 minutes, we were back on the road, driving to SFO.

At this point, traffic wasn't bad, but we still had to cover one and half hour journey in an hour, just to make it on time. Finally, we touched the city at 11.30 PM. We still had 10-15 minutes to play with, but luckily the destination was only 5 minutes away. We were done with being mad, angry, sad and disappointed. At this moment we just wanted to be out of car before it hits 00:00 and a new year starts. We were in front of the house, our destination, but we couldn't find any parking. We had to go around twice, to find a safe parking spot. While going around, she saw her friends; another 5 minutes were gone with hellos and Hi etc. They helped us park, with leaving a hardcore mark on the back bumper.

Suddenly there were sounds, fireworks and we looked at each other...”Happy New year 2009”, we all were screaming in one voice. People living around the houses came in to their balconies and joined us in screaming, the New Year wishes. The New Year was here, and we were in San Francisco.

Later, we had some funny conversations, some fanatical stuff, and some really stupid acts as well. But this kind of welcome to a New Year was my first experience, and I must say, I don’t regret that moment at all, just because, I was with a wonderful friend. I realized at that moment about how important the friendship becomes in our life, and how precious our friend are, to many of us. Living this unexpected, bizarre moments, gave me an uncanny grown-up feeling, which will stay with me forever and ever!

That SE cornet at Sunset Blvd

01:25 Posted by Shadows of life

Today, I was walking down the street on Sunset, while crossing street, I noticed one Indian guy with big SLR. I guess he was taking pictures of streets and some candid shots. I saw him, smiled with in me, and crossed the street. I was waiting on the other side to cross again, suddenly I heard a voice, very hard core Indian accent, asking me," excuse me, can you please tell me which one is South East corner of this street?' I smiled and showed the SE corner, diagonally from where we were at. he said 'thank you' and left.

OMG!!! what just happened? Suddenly, I noticed the talk between that guy and myself. DAMN!!! Did I just saw myself? wow!!! what a memory I have!!!

This memory is from more than 2/3 years old. I was pretty new in the US. That specific day, I went for my first interview with one of the biggest casting agency of Hollywood. HE dropped me off at this very corner and told me to take the bus and handed me many maps. I reached to my destination, gave interview which went well. The it was the time to go back home, on my own, in strange country called US the A. While coming back, I took same bus, reached to this corner - Sunset and Hollywood Blvd. I looked at the printed street map, then read the details of bus station, but I was confused like hell, so bad that I felt nausea. I called HIM many times to confirm if I was doing ok, but he had only one answer, READ THE F****NG MAP...I had no idea, how to read map or where to get the bus for home or even where that SE corner was...I did ask many people, some replied, some looked at me weirdly and some gave wrong answer...I finally figured out, that south east corner of Sunset, and my bus stop...ah!!!

Today, this guy gave me a smile, and my old memory...Purani yaadein!!!