I shouldn't say but I am saying it 'I don't know why...' I don't know why I don't want to keep a relationship going for sometime...I don't know why I doesn't want to work towards a relationship. May be I do know...I know it is hurtful to invest but I am getting over those issues, but then I think I do have very high expectations of other people in a romantic relationships. I can have a great friendship going where there is no sexual tension between friends and I but the moment it hit the button of a little romanticism, I want to just take it towards highest height and then drop it down as fastest speed as ever possible...I get anxious to start and be with someone...I don't know why...and then I get bored of the person, relationship and often the idea of romanticism.
BTW I met a kid who could have been mine. I had a good 1x1 with a work kid of mine and noticed that if I had a kid and would have stayed in domestic violence relationship then I would have ended my kid to some placement in the US...the same way my work kid was there. A younger brother of a sister who was forced to marry a guy from different country and older brother of two siblings who are in different placement, a strong and angry son of that father who used his anger and madness on his wife and kids, and an insecure son of that mother who is pretty homeless Iraqi woman - a survival of domestic violence, and a guy who is on probation at the age of 15 who is trying to find his roots from a bottom less tree....
I do, I hear America crying everyday when I reach at work. When I see my little teenage kids I work with, when I hear another homeless kid on the block, when I see a new teenager at one of our recovery homes...I see America crying...
Two days ago, I was about to leave for work in the night and as usual radio was on and Dick Gordon was presenting "The Story"
I, one of the biggest fan of Dick's work and stories, suddenly found myself frozen when I heard this poem from high school teacher, who recite his student's work. I don't know who the owner of this poem is and who wrote it, but I do want to share it here for all my readers and my fellows. If the author reads this poem, please do contact me so I can give you credit as a writer.
Here is 'the story' presented by Dick Gordon...good work.
The poem is based on Whitmen's song "I hear America singing" This poem is called "I hear America Crying..."
I hear America crying the very carols I hear those of single mother each one crying to sleep at night as they try to brainstorm new ways to make ends meet The little boy crying for a father figure some one who he can look up to and teach him how to be a man the addict in every family crying as he or she struggle to stay clean just so that he or she can win back custody of their child the young teenage mother crying, hoping she will be able to graduate high school and not become another teen statistic the father crying behind the bars as he try to explain to his only daughter, how come daddy isn't home the insecure girl within all of women crying as we struggle daily to learn how to love ourselves, unconditionally the awful cry of a single mother or the little boy or the addict each crying about what eats up with them... the day that belongs today, at night the party of young fellows upset, disappointing, singing with open mouths their strong melodies songs...
I hear America crying...
Vim On a mission - looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.
Few minutes ago when I was starving, I opened freezer and took few frozen paranthas out. One pack of masala parantha, one pack of paneer parantha and one frozen thepla pack. Yummmm. Made chai, opened new pack of yogurt and warmed up flat pan so I could defrost/cook my paranthas. Opened first pack…jeez!!! I wanted mummy.
It was trikon (three corner) parantha, and no one can make it better than mummy…I am serious, NO ONE!!! Oh I missed her like hell, wanna see her so bad. Also, wanna eat trikon parantha made by her.
Opened second pack, it was paneer parantha. Well, paneer parantha has always been my favorite. So missed Punjabiyat in me a bit. I need to visit Punjab asap, so that Punjabiyat stays in.
While warming up trikon parantha and paneer paranrha, I opened last pack. A thought came across my mind - finally end of associations and memories, but the second I saw thepla(gujju bread made out of fenugreek, flour and spices) oh boy!!! My ex-mother-in-law must have sneezed. She used to make best gujju snacks. I still remember her at times. May Lord bless her.
Life is fun for sure. I will see mummy and Punjab one day, but will never see my ex-mother-in-law…yeh jeewan hai vee!!! But hey, the world is small…kaun jaane kab kya ho jaaye.
Often I want to be the kind of person I am becoming, but at times, I want to be what is known as "green grass on the other side"
I am a very independent, smart and passionate person who work towards her goals every single second of her life. Then comes days like today, when I want to have babies, and a partner and a life, which is the life on the grass at other side.
I control these urges, to be precise, I suppress these emotions. I do know why, because I don't want to be dependent on anyone, any which way: emotionally, physically, financially and/or psychologically. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to lose once again. I don't want to gain something, which I will cry for, for lifetime....I am done with all that. I shouldn't be there anymore. I am not going to be there, not any more.
ah!!! Hazaaro khwaishein aisi ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...
Today while chatting online with my older brother, who happens to be my best friend, I asked him if the decision on 377 has been delivered. He replied right away that he is not from that society and hoping I am also not from that society either. That society obviously meant society or group of people who are gays, bisexual, lesbians, transgenders or queer. I wanted to say what if I am, will you stop loving me? But I just couldn't ask. I dunno why, may be I was cowered or I was not sure that he will understand the feeling of being gay. Even after being a straight person, it was hard for me to tell this thought to my brother...think of thousands of those who really are LGBTQ and can't share their love, happiness and life with their own families?
That was the moment when I realized so deeply that why many South Asians just cant get their all courage together and speak in front of their family, relatives or even friends. I felt so shaken. I felt a cold trembling feeling travel up my backbone. Oh how I wish I could help by simply brain washing typical cultural effects, probably the same way terrorists brain wash little kids and then they make kid army against human race...!
And as life is strange, and strangest is Vee Jay - I, next day, sent out email to Satrang stating that I am interested in volunteering with them. Today I am part of Satrang team as program coordinator and proud of it. I would love if any of you join us, work with us and be with us and find the true identity of being South Asian.
If you are homophobic and want to change the mind set, join us, if you are queer and don't know how to meet other South Asians, join us, if you are not sure what is it to be a queer, join us and even if you want to just help South Asians join us and/or join SAN...
(Will write more about these organizations in future posts)
Wrote on July 2, 2009 - the day India finally declared that homosexuality is NOT a crime. And July 2 happens to be my big sis's birthday too.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl, running around in her parents place, the place which was getting built. She was hardly 8 years old, or may be 9. She was wearing a dress, flower colors, pastels and frills...she wanted to play with sand, with bricks, with cement and with every dirty thing available there. Few laborers, who were busy working, were also busy staring at her, trying to look inside her dress...they made her play dirtiest games...with the most dirtiest things on the earth....their organ, their bodies and their perverted minds.....
Her life never turned like any other girl of the world. She was given the life, she didn't want, and now at the age of 34,that life is still with her as a shadow...
When things don’t go right, I cry. When future seems blurry, I cry. When I feel the failure is hitting me hard, I cry. This is not a weakness, but a strength, which helps me gaining back my moments, which I lost on the way to here, while growing up.
I am a success, a success which makes me happy but keep others away from me….I am all alone and I know, I can hold my hand and let go of the feeling of loneliness!
I am a big block of bricks, I stand on it and watch the world from my eyes of love and faith, humanity and inspiration.
I have been feeling "block" in me. Block for writing, reading, and sometimes even to wake up. Not that I don't have things to do, not that I have no money or whatever...I am just feeling 'blocked'
I need some inspiration, I need to be busy day and night, I want to write, read and do things...day and night. What the hell is going on....someone up there...are you even listening? DO you even care anymore?
~~~V~~~ write something...finish reading book...stop wasting life in chatting, do something substantial girl...
I don't know why, but it does happen that life, bring different questions with 'guess what' kind of answers.
The rains in LA are bringing memories to me back from the days of July 26 in Mumbai, and on top of that, the news of gun shots in Mumbai, brought another sad memories in front of my eyes from July 06. I wish I wasn't in emotional pain for the same man,I am divorcing...
I know it wasn't the choice for many, it wasn't the option even, but people still do what they have to do in life...they go to work, they go to school, they roam around and do nothing....and few take harsh work in hands, like killing others.
yes, some people do harsh things...but why do my god do harsh things...isn't its already harsh for those people to live?
The past is gone long back, why do someone has to pay for those days now?
Why do I have to get pissed at self for asking those questions, which no one can answer?
I am annoyed or say pissed, but is this the way to solve issues, if not then what is the way?
Why do feelings and love is always counted with the equality of money and with the image of oneself?
Why cant someone love somebody just the way they want to love?
What is the love anyways?
Fcuk...I'm still fighting with myself for these questions, which have no answers.
Lucky you people,who have money, who have family...who can stay safe under roofs and celebrate meaningless holidays, who can buy gifts for anyone to everyone for any occasion to no occasion...I wish, these beautiful days for many of my friends and many of real humans, who need a meal of the day and still cant earn....
Diwali is around the corner and I have no worries. I am not decorating the house, not buying new cloths, not going to live a life, I used to live, in India at Diwali time and obviously...I am not celebrating it. Not a deliberate decision but I can't, its just not happening. May be because, I have no one to celebrate it with or may be I choose not to celebrate.
Last year, I had HIM...this year I have no one. I know that was the time when I was ignoring, when I was getting ignored, when we were not quite talking to each other, when we were not ourselves, but then I had a hope of celebrations with him...a hope of going to neighbors and distributing candles and candies...and feeling good about it. I enjoyed those moments those ways...now its new world, new life :-)
Well to be frank, I have another hope in life now. I have other things to deal with. Shayad isi ko kehte hain - Celebrating, my festivals my ways..not traditional ways any more...reason is not US the A but I am my reason for the change...and remember Change is the only constant thing which is keep changing...So I am change...I am self!
The best part is Today I received my Diwali gift from India..my lovely friends sent it to me...Sweets and Coin. I cried, cos someone there loves me, cares for me. There is someone who I didn't hurt, and there is someone who doesn't hurt me. I know, My family will never ever send anything to me, by post, by courier or even with anyone. They will always say ki poocha to tha, tune nahin bataya ki kya chahiye. Oh ya!!!! I know why they don't send anything ever, cos its expensive to send gifts to anyone...specially their own daughter, own sister, own sibling. Well, its not expensive to receive...oh well no complains. I am happy cos I do have family...there are tons who have no one...
Today or say right now, I am high on life, My two articles got printed in news paper, my lovely friends sent me gifts for Diwali...I am working my ways up in life...and I am happy, peaceful and most important ALIVE!
Thank you friends for being there and being my family...Love you!!!!
They say kids don't understand anything, they are just kids...but is it true? Is it true that a seven-eight year old kid is so stupid that he/she is not seeing things, happenings around him/her? I don't believe in it...NO not at all...I still remember what happened when I was a kid. I still remember many things, many views from the age when I was hardly 5 years old.
Lets take as if both the parents are fighting, I know its a weird situation when your parents are fighting and then a kid see all gone away when he/she comes in front...I am sure, it confuses the kid more than making him/her feel that parents are fine...and when a curious mind is confused then its harsh on him/her and they think all the different aspects of situation, yes more different than one can imagine. Those imaginations, those thoughts bring them not always some easy answers, but they do bring answers...who knows what the answers are...
And those unknown unseen answers are nothing more than a dangerous bomb for the kid. Kid acts upon the moment and feel isolated, lonely and sometimes, in my case, most of the time he/she end up with some escapism, some run away situation when ever he/she gets the chance....and that is bad for the society...
make a better society and better families...make a kid satisfy, talk to your kid and explain better way than hiding....Dont let any normal kid become a husband of my kind of woman....
Last night when we came to know about Bomb blasts in local western railway trains of Mumabi, it sounded like a stupid rumor because it was really unbelievable that in 10-12 minutes 7 blasts have happened. But yes it was true and it has destroyed the peace and movement of life for almost everyone in the city. Luckily I was at home and HE was at his office when all this disaster took place. HE was traveling by car and I was unable to contact him. All the phone lines were congested like anything. Thank God, I was online and he sent me his well being on messenger. Around 7 in the night he sent me message that am leaving office which is hardly 8/10 kms (5/6 miles) away from our home and it take 20/25 minutes on normal day and I expected that due to train bomb blasts, people must be taking road route now, so it will be crowded. But after an hour I started getting worried, his phone was also not reachable and in most of my neighbors were at home. Finally I went down stairs of my building and started looking and walking around as if I can keep my mind relax and at ease....that was the time when our security guard of building came and talked to me about how his brother is also stuck some where.
Anyway after two and half hours, HE finally reached safe and secure home. He said that traffic was at its worse. At this time incoming on phones had started and I was able to spoke to HIS parents in US and sent messages to my parents in CHD. Slowly slowly life started coming back on track but everyone was still shaken up and pretty abnormal. Our neighbor aunty and all friends who live around us were home and safe.
Around 12 in the night we bought lots of biscuits and distributed at highway to those people who were sitting in buses and taxis for hours. they were hungry and desperate to go home. We tried to drop some people to their houses and gave lifts to people who stay close to our home. Around 4.30 in the morning we went to sleep and our hearts were full of anger, madness, roughness and rage but at the same time our hearts were giving salute to people of Mumbai for their high spirit and helpful nature, for coming ahead and giving hand to others in troubles, floods or bomb blasts. I salute Mumabi, to Mumbai's spirit....
I am back!!! R came and we decided to watch a movie here at my place itself as our other friend was tired. We saw "Thora Pyaar, Thora magic" it was fun movie, good time pass...R ate my cooking and I ate something as well..he he apne haath ka kaun khaata hai yaar!!!
Anyways, The walk to remember, I wanted to skip this topic...YES!!! truly..cos first I couldn't think of any walk which was a memory to me, then after I put pressure on my crazy mind, I remembered THAT day. Oh boy - THAT DAY!!!
As per my habit I try to remember only happy and beautiful moments inside and around me, rather than sad or sulking moments...and this topic reminds me of one sad time...I am not in mood to live that LAMHA right now so here is the copy paste of my walk to remember from that day!!!!!
"I had a interview in a pretty nominated company in industry. It went well and when I came out of interview, I had a miss call on my new cell(I lost my old one just a day before) I have only one number stored in my phone and it was HIM...I called HIM back and he said that I don't have to take bus and then train to home 'cos he is picking me...I felt good cos am not used to travel by buses or trains. I had to take buses because I don't have car right now. So I waited for some 20 minutes and HE picked me up. HE took me to Culver city as he wanted to meet someone. I said, ok...He finished his meeting and we headed back to valley.
While coming back he said he is very late for his office so he cant drop me home and will take me to his office and I cant go inside his office as he hasn't told his boss that he picked me so I can chill out in some cafe for 15-20 minutes and then when HE will go for his next meeting which is in half an hour, he will take me with him...I had no option so I agreed. I did mentioned that if he can drop me somewhere around house I will walk to will take bus, but he said don't worry will take you home soon. I had no friends number or internet connection with me but I thought its ok, will wait for 20/25 minutes.
So I waited in sharp sunny day at 1.30 in the afternoon...1.40...2.00 he said that meeting is pushed so will leave in sometime. I went to restaurant for food, I was done with food. I relaxed at 2 different places and didn't know what to do so I called him and asked how much more time. He said he will call me back in 5 minutes, so I said fine. I had his car keys so I sat in the car and waited for you....2.20...car is standing in sharp sun...it is very very low on gas, I cant use ac also...I am sitting in it, still waiting..no communications...2.45...I sent text msg that am burning in the car...no reply...2.55...no reply...3.01 he sent msg to me, 2 minutes, I was like thank god....3.10 no reply, no HIM and no patient left in me...I am mad and cant wait in sun with full of sweaty body, thirsty and tired...I sent msg to him BYE...no reply...3.12...enough of wait.
I left his office and started walking towards home, which is approx 3 to 5 miles from HIS office...I was walking in sharp crazy sun and mind is really restless...still walking...no communications...3.27 he called me...I didn't take the call....I was still walking...sun is now burning my face, I was still walking...3.40, he called back again I didn't take the call again and I was crying while walking on street, people who were going around were looking at my face with questions...I was still walking but now am a bit unsure of the way.......he sends me msg...I'm Sorry......I finally found a way to my apartment. I was walking its almost an hour and sun has burnt my face and open skin and my tears are burning on my face....I reached around my apartment...more 10 minutes and I will be inside, a black guy says excuse me, I look at his face, he said do you have a boyfriend, I said yes and I was back to walk, I am downstairs of my apartment and another black guy said hey, beautiful and walked away. I was still crying....I opened door and enter the building...I still didn't forget to take the mail. I reached upstairs and went straight to bedroom, looked at my face in mirror and my face is sharp maroon color.....Sun had burnt my face well.
It reminded me other incident of my life with HIM when I had to run away from my house 'cos he had hit me to death in front of my office people and he had slapped me so hard on face that it was red color all over...today my face has same color...
I don't know what should I call this incident...a domestic violence, a coincident of his busy life or struggle in America."
I am always very strong person who don't get allergies and who is always fine with any kind of food etc...but since last one year I have been feeling weird allergies or say nasal blockage during summer or dust time. I lived in India for 30 years and I was dealing with dust, dirt, garbage, water over flow and what not on daily basis and I was always fine, I never had any physical reaction more than a word or two about it..but then I moved to USA, a clean and green country, a superficial and smart country...I lived here couple of years and I got used to life and style of America.
I don't know why and how I am facing allergies now a days. I am going through this weird part of summer, air conditioner and dust reactions on my body. I remember it clearly that in India I used to smell a lot of spices all over the kitchen at home, roads side stalls and other places and I used to sneeze in with in few minutes my nose used to be clear and clean, but here....oh well, I don't cook much and on top of that I cant eat as spicy food as before so in home there is no spicy tadka, chawnk etc is possible (well my smoke alarm can call the fire station in seconds too) and we don't experience masala smells on streets either and not even any smells, any smoke of fire etc so my conclusion is simple: I probably always had these allergies(cant take it that I got it in US) but with those smells and tadkas I always got the chance to clean and clear my throat and nose...and here I have to take Claritin-D to keep myself away from congestion and blockage of nose and throat...:(((
I just cant accept myself to that level where I can call myself NRI (non resident Indian) cos I am hard core Indian and I never enjoyed typical NRIs and never wanted to be the one...oh well...I am done writing on this subject as I seems to be hypocrite myself...shame on me!!!
Who feels good after all this crap all over the country?
Who is it?
People say terrorists do these kind of acts...but terrorists are humans too..they also have families and hearts.
Some one told me that it is part religious to kill people cause they don't accept our religion..is that really the truth?
Well, isn't it is bias? Isn't it is one way thinking? For that god, whom no one has seen, who we believe as one power for the world, who has no face, no name and no specific side to take, killing for that god...isn't that just ridiculous? Then why do people, not any specific one, but general religious people pressure god on some one else's life? I have heard excess of anything is bad, then excess of believing in god is a bad thing too...I cant get over this thought that god can make someone kill some one else, because the person who is getting killed is not believing in one specific god...how stupid does this sound, forget applying to the life?
On the personal level I have faced excess of stress in my life and excess of giving myself to my love and the results were not good...I have no clue that the result was due to excess of love and stress or just plain co-incident or may be a combination of both. Even if it was result of excess, I never got feeling of killing somebody, hating someone or being bad to any specific one.
Any which way..why blasts? Why hurt somebody? Why kill? Why give pain to those people who don't deserve.
If someone wants to give pain, do it to those rapists who rape little girls and kill their lives, give pain to those who are called humans but hit their wives and kids and who act crazy...why give pain to some random people who are just living their lives, their dreams and their own selves.....Why?
In the end I can say only this, that I was crying for a small pain that I am going through, the pain of a broken relationship, and I found so many people sitting away from their countries, away from their families, their cultures, their own selves, who are crying to just get in touch with any one in their family or even neighbors to find out if all is well in their homes...in their lives. And then I cried, I cried out loud, without even caring that people are staring at me and I am being watched in public...but I cried for those who are dead, for those who still have to accept the truth that their families are gone and I cried for those who are killing someone innocent, someone unknown, someone random, someone somewhere...I cried for killers...and felt sorry for them because they could not think beyond a limit...may God bless their minds and they see the right path in life. May god bless them. Please god give them power to think beyond you..beyond them...beyond pain.
Have you seen death...have you seen it coming right in front of your eyes and asking you if you want to die or not...and then if you r weak it takes you away from this beautiful world, the world you probably have not seen yet, the world which is not even your own yet...Death takes u away...and then you have no connection with this world?
I have seen death, right in front of my eyes, coming towards me and showing me that I am worth a lot for this world. I have seen death not less than 3 times. I always give 3 chances before I quit anything, and I have quit to be with the man who has brought me to the point where I saw death...I gave more than 3 chances to HIM before he showed me what death is...I saw death first time, the very first time when he was choking me to death, sitting on my chest and pressing against my throat with one hand and his knees were on my both arms so I cant move them, and his one hand was slapping me over and over again.....I saw death...I saw blackout and I saw DEATH...I gave another chance to him cos he regretted so many times for making me go through that moment...I gave him chance, second time he showed me death when he again choked me next to that metal closet in my bedroom in Mumbai and he was pushing me against it and it was next to wall and it had no room to move any more &v I had no room to move more....I saw death, I didn't blacked out that time but I saw it coming towards me and I have no clue how I stopped it, third and last time I saw death on freeway 101 while going to Brooks institute where I wanted to study and help me make my life in US with him. I saw death coming right in front of my face, when he was hitting me with his one hand and another hand was on steering wheel and he was driving 110 miles per hour....I saw death right in front of my eyes and I was weak.....I was weak but I guess death saw some strength in me and it stopped right away and HE took an exit and I got down his car at that very moment...and I never went back to his place to live, I moved out that very day and I no matter how much I tried I could not give up on him....
Then came the time when I saw a world of my own emotions, of my own hopes and my own expectations, and then I tried to give up on him. I wanted to gave up on my husband, but my emotions were kept holding me back. I talked to a close friend. I never expected that I will ever discuss this with him. He told me that I am precious and I am worth it and then I tried to cut my relations with this friend of mine. Just because he told me THE truth and it was a harsh truth and I was escaping truth........
I finally talked to myself, it took me sometime to realize that I am actually worth it and I can do it all alone by myself.
Today, I am giving up on my husband, today I am giving up on him and I am done with him. I want to finish this relationship cos I feel I am really worth living in this world and I am precious.....I want to live, with out seeing death coming on my face............I deserve to live... PERIOD.
फूलों सा महकता है साथ तेरा गलियारे के खालीपन में गूंजता हर राग तेरा आवाज़ में तेरी, खनक है सिक्कों सी आंखों में तेरी, घृणा है रिश्तों की
मैं लौट तो आऊं दर पे तेरे.. क्या पेश करोगे मेरी बंदगी में?
दे पाओगे क्या ... एक इन्सान ख़ुद के अन्दर से निकाल कर? वो रख्शस रहित व्यक्तित्व को संवार कर? वो कंधा जो दे पाए हौंसला वो हाथ जो दे सकें सहारा वो अंदाज़ जो दीवाना कर दे वो प्रेम जो भूला दे... मुझे
उस मुझ को, जिसे है नफरत भी तुम से और है तुझ से ही मोहब्बत...
I saw this video while doing some work on youtube...and now I watch it everyday, not because it is wonderfully made but because it keeps me on my track about future.
Please visit This Blog for more reading about unwanted girl child in India.
I want to ask you one thing, Why do we as woman treat other woman as if they are cheap, bad or unwanted? As mother-in-laws or sisters or daughters or generally as woman with a woman.....why do we do it?
I remember my friend's mother used to behave with her own daughter as if she was a bad Oman for family or she was not human or something like that, and it was her own real Mother...it makes me think as if she was the unwanted girl child...She was taken out of school in 7th grade, and she used to help her mother in house and by the time we reached 9th grade, she was married and this is in Chandigarh, a big educated city. We few friends went to visit her new place where she moved after one year of her married life, and what I saw was scary, it was our first friend who got married. I was scared of life after marriage.....it was a dirty one room with no kitchen, she was cooking in the corner of that room, on stove(the old style stove, not gas stove) while she was serving her husband and taking care of her few month old baby...her husband was yelling at her and he was behaving as if we don't exist in that room...I felt so bad. The worse was when she started yelling at her own little daughter for taking birth.....she thought the problem was her daughter.....OH!!!!!!!!!!
I felt ashamed of being a girl...I was just 14 years old and I wanted to live for my life, not for husband. We were her bad friend cos we never went to visit her again....I have no clue where she is at this point, and what is her life now.
Jyoti, I wish you are fine, safe, happy and healthy.