What if I fail...
What if I loose...
What if I can never see,
and a hope,
to touch sky
to be in the stardom...
to be myself…
What if I had taken THAT step?
I was 13 or 14 years old when I gave my final exams of 10th grade. The competition of getting an A grade (70+ percentage out of 100) and being the number one in class was so big, that I started losing hope of reaching to any point in life. At home, I was kept reminded every now and then that I have to get good marks in 10th grade, if I want to get admission in good school and better courses. I was scared like anything, no one was there to tell me," it’s ok Vim, you will pass, just work hard" Or "it’s alright if you fail this year, life is not going to end" I was all alone...I had two crazy months to live before I get the results in my hands.
I couldn’t enjoy those vocations and those days off as the pressure was there inside me, the pressure, which was really heavy on head. My teenage mind felt rejected and planned to live in one corner of my parent’s living room's tiles until the result day. I chose the corner in living room, closer to my room. I also fixed my blanket there, and stared at TV from there, when someone else was watching it. I made sure I don’t enjoy the facilities, as I might have to die soon and then I will miss all those facilities of living. I slept there most of the days and until Papa was home; every day he looked at me and just laughed; Mummy made faces on my actions; Didi and Veerji made fun of me...no one asked me why I was doing this.
I told my little journal, sitting in that corner, "Dear journal, I know I am not great in studies, and I know I want to be a doctor and I know I will become a doctor one day dear journal, but if I fail my 10th exams, I will commit suicide...I will not live a day longer." Journal said nothing, neither my siblings...nor my parents. I lived a month of my life in that little corner, uncomfortably. I got used to staying there, doing nothing, thinking negative and then positive and then back to zero…and documenting whatever I could.
I still remember, that day when my results were out and some uncle was supposed to bring it home. I was holding a candy, refusing to eat, and waiting in my corner for the results and in my head, I was planning to suicide, if I fail. Truthfully, somewhere in my heart I was pretty sure that I will pass, but I wasn’t sure how much percentage I will achieve. The percentage matters in the world of competition, the emotion of a teen makes no sense to the world...
I passed with 70 percent out of 100, which is considered as an A in India. I was not relieved to hear the news, I was shattered…because I didn’t trust myself then, and trusted all those doubtful eyes on me…I have no idea if I can remember the rest of the days but I do remember that I got admission in pretty good school in medical after that, and I refused to go to medical, just because everyone else wanted me to. I am happy I chose textile designing and oil painting course over Medical, because today I feel content to connect to human mind and emotions than their bodies and diseases.
Damn, these trainings from LAYN!!!…They bring back my childhood in front of me….Thank you LAYN - for these trainings, thank you for bringing back the strength and memories of old self within me - over and over again!
What if I fail...
09:50 Posted by Shadows of life
Okay, the topic came in my mind after someone mentioned that I should have a blog about the issues I have with Indians. I will not be able to carry another blog about India, Indians, and about me....enough is enough! But I am willing to give words to those thoughts, which bother me, and which are part of me...somehow, somewhere.
* To start with I would say: somewhere in my own heart, which is typical Indian, still - I hate few types of Indians; especially those who judge, those who think they are the ONLY great ones, who have double standards, and those who don’t have answers for traditions, but they follows them blindly and also those who doesn't know what they want & if they do, why...
* I have been questioned many times that why do I feel uncomfortable around few Indians, and why I don’t like certain Indians. Many times, I do want to say that I don’t relate to them, I do want to utter that they suck, I do want to declare that they are stuck at the old & at crap times and I want to pronounce loud that I have grown out of them, but I don’t say more than I am expected to speak. I don’t know why, but I do know, just because I don’t like all kind of Indians, I am always been judged, and I am always at the edge of getting talked out of and I’m always knows as rebel Indian Hindu. I am kind of getting used to it, but it still bothers me sometimes when people ask me over and over again: why don't you like FEW Indians?
* For V...Romanticism, and love is not coming back home to cook dinner for the guy who doesn’t even care what and how I have cooked; love and romance is about sharing those moments of cooking for someone special, and sharing those moment with the one who wants to be with me; not with my art of cooking. I know it is a default assumption of Indian society and culture that a woman cooks and man eats, but I don't live with that typicality!
* Sex is not the action which wife/woman gives, and husband/man takes it, neither it is a chore which every husband-wife/Guy-Girl should do before going to sleep, but sex is an act of passion and love, where one partner gives and another takes, and then another gives and one takes. It is an act of passion for give and take between two bodies who wants to be with each other. I also believe that sex is not limited to marriage as they tried to teach me in my childhood. For V, the sex should be open emotion between two partners even if both the partners are two guys or two girls or just two people from opposite sex.
* I trust that gays exist and they always were there in ALL societies, even in Indian society; one accepts or not, they are going no where...
* According to my experience in US, I have seen many non resident Indians, who left India some 20 or 30 or 40 years back and they are still stuck in the India of 60s, 70s 80s and 90s…and they STILL can’t accept the truth of today's India. It is also hard for them to accept those, who have accepted living in today's technologically strong and modern India.
* I love Indian food, Indian cloths and Indian culture; I would never want to be born in any other culture ever, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t like any other country’s culture, food, or cloths. I am a free human and I am allowed to like what I feel comfortable with. If someone else doesn't like any other country's food or culture, to hell with them!
* I hate, seriously, I do hate, when any human is put in to the situation, where he/she has to live with discrimination or with the fear in their heart that they are not accepted in the society, just because either they look different than the larger group Or their accent is different Or their thoughts, are not accepted by the so called society.
* I don’t like the way many Indian parents raise their kids, even if they are living in the country like the USA. They refuse many good opportunities, just because those opportunities are not Indians. I personally would love to give my culture, my language and my special fun parts of being Indian to my kid and I will teach my best about my Indian culture to my baby, but I wouldn’t keep them away from the reality either.
*I know I am free human, free bird and a free woman; not because I can make my money and spend the way I want to, but because I am allowed to take my own decisions, the way I want to and the way I think it’s right, not the way society thinks it’s perfect.
* I wear jeans and tees, not because they are American or western clothing but because I feel comfortable in them and because I was raised wearing them. I love to wear a saree or Indian suits, but I don’t find myself fit in saree or suits for every occasion and for every day chores. My mom wears them and I love seeing her in those cloths.
* I do judge people. Especially when they judge me as a person, and on behalf of my being brown, on behalf of my accent, my race, my gender and also on behalf of my bank balance.
* I love myself and will not allow anyone to hurt me anymore. I was there once, but I am not there anymore…and I am proud of myself from getting out of that crap. I would love to help others to get out of crap situations of life, but before that one should be ready to be out...no one can help any one if they are not ready to take the help.
* I still believe that relationships are all about adjustments and giving up on many things, many thoughts in life. I am happy for those, who live happily even after all adjustments and sacrifices but for now I don't trust myself on giving up anything for anyone, anymore.
* I am a religious person, a born Hindu, but that doesn’t make me hate other religions. I belong to the spiritual power of humanity. I trust the eternal power of unseen god, and I have deep faith in myself. These two beliefs make me stronger with each day.
* I am a female and I will never want to be born as a male, not because I hate men, but because I love being a female. Being a female is not doing make up, going shopping every other day or even dressing up, being a female for me is loving, giving and being pure inside out.
* I love cooking but I can never cook for the man who doesn’t appreciate me as a person. I naturally get a specific look on my face when I am around those people who make me feel uncomfortable, especially traditionally.
* I never agreed on this fact that woman or females are the object of fantasy, and I can never agree on that.
* I trust that woman is not the enemy of woman, as they say in Indian society, but I think woman go through a lot and tend to become too cautious, which makes them try to save other woman by giving them hard time and making them understand the world with their eyes. I wish I could just change the attitude of this giving feeling, but I don't care too much, even if it never will get changed.
I have a lot more to add to this, but for today...I rather end this thought here, with the feeling of being "THE V" and with the love I give to my world!
00:06 Posted by Shadows of life
Right now, I am kind of annoyed, kind of pissed and kind of irritated...Oh gosh!!! all these expressions sounds the same...
I know the reason behind these same kind of expressions, but then why am I not accepting it?
I should surely understand the mentality, the roots of the person, not what comes in front!!!
17:41 Posted by Shadows of life
It’s been raining on and off in Hollywood, and don’t I just love it? Oh yeah I do...I love rains and I can’t get over them so easily. I enjoy listening to the sounds of rain on top of my apartment roof, I can drive in crazy rains and I just love getting soaked. I am not getting much chance to get soaked, for obvious reason, its winter and I can’t afford to get sick :-(
The best part of rains is, its sound effects, the memories of Mumbai, and memories of HIM with me in rains. Mumbai, where rain stays for over 4 months. I enjoyed every rain there and I hardly prayed for the rains to stop or go away. Even after I lived through July 26 2005 floods, I still loved rains and Mumbai in rains. Well I have always liked rains, when I was in Chandigarh or in Delhi or in Calcutta or anywhere in India...but I confess that I hated rains in certain parts of Mumbai, where it get clogged, where water is all over you and others, and where streets are full of the mess which comes out from dirty road side nallis..And where a normal living is not possible, but people still live.
Ah!!! How much I can love Mumbai AKA Bombay during rains, even after those special rainy days, when I got soaked in rain while we both traveled in bus because it was almost impossible to take the car out, and when meetings were equally important, when I got soaked and so did my dell laptop...when I walked almost 10 miles without shoes as my one shoe got lost in rain while motorcycle stopped working....It was fun in its own style, though I am not sure if I would love to visit Mumbai, when it’s raining there, at least not until I move back there, for good.
In comparison to Mumbai, I enjoy driving in rains in the US, simply because it is easy, but I know how hard it was in Mumbai to even step out of the car, especially when it rained to its full volume...I just can’t forget that night when HE came over to my place to finish some office work for the meeting next day, we weren’t married then, and were just casually dating; he drove his motor cycle that night, and it started raining right after he left his place, and obviously got soaked. When he reached to my place, he was soaked so much that I couldn't even let him come inside because he was dripping water all over. I gave him towel to dry himself and in few minutes he was able to enter in, and made a comment,” its raining cold water” I laughed out loud, cos I never felt warm water rains. That night I made him wear my shorts, which clearly didn't fit him but he was at least wearing something on his body...Oh!! Memories….In India we don't have dryers like the kind of we use in the US, so it was really hard to dry his cloths. We finished the work but rains weren’t finished, it was still pouring cats and dogs, and I insisted that he stay overnight, which he happily agreed to...and then the life was something different...over night!!!
Do I need to say I...miss...India…dot…Blog…spot…dot….com
21:56 Posted by Shadows of life
I am sleepy, tired and still sitting here, listening to music and refusing to go to sleep. I over worked in last few days and enjoyed each moment of it. I had few surprising moments, some creative, some fun and one anonymous one too...When I was leaving flower shop with my extra cash, I really wished someone was waiting for me at home, but as I know the truth, I live with the truth...I stopped by a fast food chain, picked food, ate...and now living with peace and serenity....
I still believe, wishes do come true...
00:00 Posted by Shadows of life
Its 00:00 of February 14, 2009. Not that I am sad, but I felt like wishing this day to someone, so who else but my blog, and its readers? Here is my very first wish of the day:
"Happy Valentines Day"
Now I can wish anyone and feel good about it. I got home around 25 minutes ago and I feel great to be with self, listening to my Jaggu dada's music and feeling in peace with self...
Hugs to self!!!
18:25 Posted by Shadows of life
I feel proud today. I was over whelmed to see them doing what they are supposed to do...and what I want them to do. The best part is they WANT to do it.
Most of these people came to the US, illegally, and with big dreams and hopes of making money. They did make money, not a lot, but enough to feed their stomachs and enough to send to their families back home. As they were either illegal or illiterate, they had very less options to work. The money they sent was good amount, according to Indian standards. This money they earned while working in different kind of stores, doing all kind of crappy jobs, cleaning and deliveries, and lived in really rough living situations. They lived without their families, away from parents, wife, kids and friends, working towards one cause: making the life of their families back home. They were able to do that, but then they forgot that their own life is suffering. Now when the families are living relax and steady life, they are all alone, some are still illegal and some suffering from economical situations.
They hang out at temple and Gurudwara, waiting for their kids and wives to call from back home. They hope for better future, but have no idea where to start. I met these people, when I was going through loneliness and when I needed someone to speak with, in my language, without judging me. They gave me smiles, hopes and strength. I started talking to them and soon I found myself visiting temple, Gurudwara everyday. I ate with them, talked to them, tried to solve their little problems. I tried to make few phone calls for them and saw just praise for myself. I am happy they didn’t judge me on behalf of my status of divorcee, and on behalf of being a female.
Sometime back when I started talking to them about the importance of education; few of them opposed me and few agreed with me. I remember one day, one of the guy, called me and asked if I can speak to him when I go to Gurudwara next. Same evening when I talked to him at Gurudwara, he expressed his wish to start school and need help to kick start a better future.
I called several places, did a little bit of google research and set up an appointment for them to take an assessment test. They did this with their own choice, and with full heart in to this thought. Today they enrolled in to a class. They will be starting classes within few days at the age of 45+ I am feeling proud of them, and happy for myself to be able to help. I am glad they realized the need to progress in life and stood up for them, and I am glad they took a step for it.
These "Young Adults" AKA "Adult Kids" never went to school, when they were getting raised in India; I have no idea what the reasons were, but the best part is they are doing it now. I wish them good luck and hope they get better jobs, more confidence and better living standards in life and/or a green card or citizenship so they can see their families.
00:05 Posted by Shadows of life
Every time, I looked at him, he gave me the feeling as if he really liked me, as if he really wanted to be with me, then within few moments, another part: the uncanny, silent, weird emotions took over both of us. I went hiding inside me, waiting for the silence to take over me, and that silence touched my skin and went away, without touching my soul..
Touched my skin
I felt blesses
Blessings turned into my breathings
I felt the silence
like fresh fragrance
Silence stood by me
Touching my skin
Holding me tight
Making me feel...
All is alright
With the blink of my eye
Without leaving a touch onto my soul.
I am unable to mourn!!!
Just a random thought. Based on imaginations and dreams.
23:42 Posted by Shadows of life
Today I am feeling the silence, and it does feel real good!!!
17:08 Posted by Shadows of life
It is actually a name, given by me to a friend Sandeep. It started as a short form of his name, but soon I realized everything happen for a reason. He took the shape of that friend who I have never met (physically) but I relate to him in about every thought.
I call him Sand cos he is always there for me, the same way sand is there on any beach, be it a river or ocean. His qualities are a lot like sand; he enters into my soul, into my thought and just take over all the black issues, blank, empty spaces, and if I have tears to shred, he just absorb them!!!
Sand, Thank you for being there...I love ya dear. God Bless You!!!
17:13 Posted by Shadows of life
Finally after weeks of search I got what I wanted, a small but steady music system. A music system which doesn't occupy lot of space and a system which is in my budget and which I can attach to my laptop and if I wish to my TV too!!!
I was sure that I don't want home video-audio system, but I wasn't looking for system, which is a boom box style either(I donated last boom box style to one of my kids) My demand was simple, I was looking for two speakers, simple CD?DVD?MP3?JPG player, but the system should work with my laptop and TV if I needed. WOO HOO!!! It is not my favorite brand: BOSE or SONY, but it is worth living with until I can buy BOSE OR SONY...
Yesterday I saw this piece on 'Bestbuy' and today I bought it...now my neighbors are in trouble :)) Okay I still need to attach it, and enjoy it but that after my last class of winter semester.
Now big V, send all those CDS and all MP3s and I will go hiding for weeks :)) books, music and peace...I got it baby!!!
21:38 Posted by Shadows of life
What does people think of themselves? They are God? Or are they above each other? I know I am not bigger than anyone, then who gives the right to others, to show me they are bigger than me? Who give the right to anyone, I mean ANYONE, to treat me badly? I didn't treat them bad, so why would I get it?
I was pissed for many hours since last night, but I am much calm now...I don't have any option, I don't like to hurt anyone so many a times I don't even say a word about the way someone treats me....I am just like that. But then I know how to cut my connections too!
Ok I am shutting up Ziiiippppp Anyways my lovely Rock and Blues are big part of me, Thank god for these music bands...I shouldn't be talking much when they are singing :)
21:14 Posted by Shadows of life
Someone tagged me
So Now about me: 25 random things about me...
I am not sure if these 25 random things happen to me all the time or sometimes, but they are part of V...they are me! I am writing these as they come to my mind, not in any particular order.
1. I love pets specially cats, dogs, parrots and love birds and turtles, but, I don't want to own a pet at this moment, as I love them, and I know I can't take care of them so I rather don't have them.
2. I love collecting memories, key chains, pictures, magnets, moments and tears.....
3. I hate my blackberry, I do...it never let me sit in peace. I need to get rid of this addiction, but I want better addiction to take it over.
4. I love learning languages; I can speak fluently four Indian languages, English and currently trying to learn Spanish.
5. I have crazy craze for shoes, and purses. I buy them all the time but I use them rarely.
6. I love giving foot massages. Recently someone asked me if I have foot fetish....I don't know if I do, but who knows may be I do, need to explore. ;)
7. If you want to kill me take my laptop and camera away and I will die.
8. I am scared of commitments, promises as I don't want to break them!
9. I can't type fast with four fingers but I type fast with two fingers.
10. I love backpacking, camping, weekend, and overnight kind of little trips around the place I live. It rejuvenates me.
11. I can never wear used or second hand cloths, I feel uncomfortable. I rather have fewer cloths but new than lots from thrift store.
12. I don't like using makeup and hair products, I find them too girlie way of living (I know...) Natural is the way I go....
13. I enjoy teas and coffees; I wasn't raised with either of them. I started drinking tea, coffee in my final year of NSD. I can skip meals for flavored tea or dark roast coffee.
14. I tend to go hiding once in a while. During those times, I refuse to go online, take calls and/or meet people.
15. I love cooking, and I love to cook for someone who can enjoy food, but I don't cook often for self. I will open my 'Hole in the wall' place one day.
16. I have a bad habit of explaining, describing myself….as if you didn't get that yet.
17. I buy diaries and Journal every now and then. Do not hesitate to gift me diaries, journals, planners. I also love buying books, feel free to gift your favorite authors to me so I can read more.
18. I can't drink water from tap; it has to be sealed water bottle, even if I know the real truth behind water in bottle. I rather stay thirsty.
19. I enjoy dancing and swimming a lot and I have been skipping going to gym or clubs.
20. I hate watching movies alone, but I still do.
21. I have a very strong will power, if I want to do something, I find my ways to do it; I can control, stop or quit anything and everything only if I want to.
22. I don't like sodas, pop or as we Indian says, cold drinks; but I am crazy for smoothies, juices and liquid diets. I can live on liquid diet for ever.
23. Bitter guard is one of my favorite veggie, and no one can cook it better than my mom, not even me.
24. I never forget about moments happened to me in past, I can remember each and every detail of that scene but I can never remember names.
25. I dream of adopting 7+ kids and one my own child…
26. I hate, seriously, I hate people who are dirty or who stink. I need good fragrances around me...
27. My hidden desire is to live in a peaceful country side place with my little family while I teach theater and acting to kids, but I don't let this desire get fulfilled.
Damn, that was fun...I won't read it before I publish it, as I am worried I will start editing. They were supposed to be 25, I forgot where to stop...
00:47 Posted by Shadows of life
Woo Hoo...I did it...Thank you Sand...I feel light.
I love you and lots of big kisses and hugs...XOXOXOX
I cant express the peace and happiness I am feeling...I had to put it on post, not in comment cos it made me feel happy...
BTW I haven't seen new pics or blog entries from you...its been long!
Love and hugs
Take care sweetheart!
00:31 Posted by Shadows of life
I want to ask:
- Are you a possessive person?
- Do you feel jealous of others happiness, finances, style and success?
- What is the most weakest moment of your life?
- What makes you go out of control?
- What makes you really happy?
- What is important to you - Money or Peace?
- Are you religious, If yes...how and why?
- What is the core moment which you should share, but you find it hard to share?
- What are your weaknesses?
- What are your strengths?
- Why have you become what you are today?
- Where in the world you want to go and visit?
- What are your traveling fantasies?
- What are your romantic fantasies?
- Whats your way of having fun?
- What keeps you going?
- What makes you sad?
- How do you handle harsh moments?
- How do you handle harsh people?
- How do you handle excitement?
- Which one is your favorite book?
- Whats your poison?
- What is your addictions?
- What you cant live without?
- What kind of candles you like?
- Whats your favorite smell?
- What kind of colors you like to wear?
- What kind of cloths you love?
- What is your favorite music?
- Who is your favorite Actor, Actress, Director, producer?
- Which movies are you favorite movies?
- If you have to choose one favorite song, which one that would be?
- What is one thing you have to do before you die?
- Do you want to die?
- What would you ask "God" if you are given three wishes?
- How will you punish someone who cheated you?
- How and what are your ways of punishing someone?
- What can do for the person you love the most?
- What are your most touchy romantic moments?
- Who was the first person you remember from your childhood?
- Apart of your parents, what is the oldest relationship you have?
- What were you, what have you become and what you will be in future?
- What is Love means to you?
- Who is the most loving person in your life?
- Whats your romantic style?
- How do you like to feel good about yourself?
- How do you make others happy?
- How and why would you help others?
- Do you want to answer my Qs, and why?
I have 100 times more Qs...to ask from myself and many of my friends...Whoever wants to reply, feel free to respond! Email me or just leave a comment.
I will add more Qs by the end of tomorrow.