Shadows of Life

"Welcome to my personal space. Please read, enjoy and don't forget to comment - Life is too short to wake up with regrets."

I am getting old...and I am happy about it

15:11 Posted by Shadows of life

So today is my birthday...I am heading North...means up. I am happy to be Old, it feels good..and on top of that I am feeling more respectful towards myself and more precious to me...Sounds like a egoistic person's writing, right? But no, I am feeling it from the down hill...which is earth...he he he I am in weird skeptical mood today...Little Nostalgic too.

So India, my country of origin has 12 and half hour time of time difference from US the A. March 27th started when I was still living March 26th. My tons and tons of friends started calling me, wishing me online and it was just a bit weird and crazy. I was sitting in my office and Friends are saying hey your special day started, although I knew what they meant, but it was the sharp sunny day I felt as if I lived a mid it stupid? Guess so...

Then I went to work and the moment it was morning in India and my late evening, I started getting messages and calls again, wishing me loving me and hoping to see me soon...I felt nostalgic, and I started cooking to keep my mind off those thoughts.

My time(Pacific - Canada) mid night came, I opened a beer bottle...sitting all alone in front of laptop...and tears came to give me company. I was alone and sad and happy and again weird. I told a friend who was online to wish me as now my time my birthday started and there is no one around me to wish cos of thousands of reason including its a late hour in US on working day & its a lunch time in Dubai and India. He smiled and wished me. I felt better. 15 minutes after mid night I got few calls from Dubai and India...after that I looked at my today and went to sleep.

I woke up with Call from a close friend, who is in US the A as she wanted to be the very first one to wish me...I assured her its her who has woke me up so its you who is the very first. She was happy, she wished me the great day and I went back to cuddling, but I could not get the chance to enjoy that cuddling.. This was at 6 in the morning, and until 9 I was all busy with attending phone calls from UK, UAE and India...I loved the attention and wishes form all over the world...what a thing is this phone call, you are far far away but still you are so close and same feeling I get with internet.....My parents called me thrice to wish me still I feel like talking to them constantly...still I wish I could spend evening with them...I miss my Family today.Its just afternoon and I have no clue what my evening is going to be. I am not sure if I will do something or I will just sit in the corner and connect to my friends who have made me feel special...I am happy to be Old and to get lovely gifts from friends and family..Thank you everybody...Thank you lovely People...I am still getting wishes from you and love you have been pouring on me is just too sweet....I am in US the A but I am all over the world with my friends...

Nostalgic me

Saint Patrick's Day

12:32 Posted by Shadows of life

Today is St. Patrick's day and we all are suppose to wear it is known as green holiday too, as green is associated with Irish people and this is a Irish holiday (not in US but in Ireland)

So what is Saint Patrick's day? This festival marks the day as St Patrick's day, he was a short, cute, little old man who introduced Christianity to Irish people. Irish people celebrate this day spending time together with each other and participate in parade marked in the name of Saint Patrick. Americans celebrate it by wearing green cloths. It is a saying that if you dont wear green on St. Patrick's day then you will get pinched by others.

This festival remind me of two festivals from Punjab, one is Baisakhi and another is Holi....both actually come during spring, pretty similar time as St. Patrick's day. Baisakhi is the birth day of Sikhism and Holi is harvest festival & also known as festival of colors. During Baisakhi Sikhs participate in parade and religious acts....and during Holi, Indian normally wear white or light color cloths and then play with colors, so by the end of the day their cloths are all colorful, which represent love and fun side of life. I am wearing a green jacket today, and I noticed almost everyone is wearing a green as part of their cloths or jewelery or shoes....well no one want to get pinched afterall. One of my co worker is wearing all black, I asked her why are you not wearing green then she looked around and said why is everyone wearing green? We all smiled and pinched was funny and cute.

People have been telling me that this festival has no meaning what so ever (as much as I understood) but this weekend when I was at the flower shop a lady bought all green and white flowers & balloons to celebrate this day with her family. That has made me curious, I want to see that how do they celebrate it.

Well, looks like I will have to make some Irish friends, so I can enjoy the celebrations and learn more than what is written in papers.

Happy Patrick's day to everybody.

The Unwanted Girl Child - II

14:35 Posted by Shadows of life

I saw this video while doing some work on youtube...and now I watch it everyday, not because it is wonderfully made but because it keeps me on my track about future.


Insomnia - Common for US or for me?

12:10 Posted by Shadows of life

I cant sleep sometimes, just cant do it. I think and think and keep on thinking...if I am in bad mood thoughts go towards sad and negative feelings and if its a good mood it start with wonderful feelings, then I feel what that moment is missing and then why cant I share the moment with someone special and then starts the sad moment...sometimes I just leave thoughts at one corner of home and move on in life, I watch TV, movie or something which keeps me away from net and from negative thoughts.

Well, seriously.......I need to sleep more. I haven't slept more than 4 hours last night and 7/8 nights before that I slept hardly 5/6 hours each night. I have heard about getting sick due to lack of sleep, but I am feeling fine.
am I doing something wrong for future?

Well, I want to sleep but not in the influence of Alcohol or pills, so kaise soun? Everyone says try Meditation, but then I need practice to reach to the point where I can call it off or on to sleep and thoughts...Kaise jee...Time hota to main kamaskam jaldi nahin uthti thi, hai ki nahin, tab to neend aise hi poori ho jaati na...I used to sleep pretty well in India and now here I cant...hmmmm anyways, am confused now...should I continue to write or stop? If I do what more I should add and if I dont then what would be the reason...oh well am double confused.

Confusion...will write more later.


My Childhood in India...

15:52 Posted by Shadows of life

How was my childhood in India...let me think!!! Hmmm being a girl was not the easy way out...but I always bring the best of past moments and use them to inspiring me. But the only reason I don't think of those moments which were truthful but sad, cos I don't want to become my Mom...defiantly not.

Not because she is a typical house wife but because she let my father treat her this way. She let my father stop her from working and earning and being independent. She was a Fashion designer at the age of 19 in India, and she had a wonderful army background...but the moment my Nana jee finalized her wedding with my father, thats was the destiny and she served to everyone from that day and she still is doing same. I feel I am creative cos I have her genes...

My father is a typical Punju man...He would order the food & it should be ready. When we were growing up, Papa used to help Mom in kitchen but only limited work, when my sister was 10 or so...she took over and from that day onwards I haven't seen him even getting up for the glass of water, forget other chores. When Didi got married Mom was alone to do house chores as I was all the time busy with college and my theater and she wanted me to pursue a professional life, but at that time Papa became more of a typical and conservative when it came to cooking or cleaning the house.

We are three sibling, My Bro, Sis and then me...I was the youngest so I didn't went through all that bad parts of life what my sister went through. My sister was just in 6th grade (approx 10 yrs old) when she started helping Mummy in kitchen and house. She use to sweep and clean the whole big house and Mom used to cook...And me & my brother used to play and fly kites...I remember giving orders to my sister for something or other...and she used to always fulfill them. I was not aware what I was doing, Truthfully, I was pushing myself away from her....I guess this is why we are not too close to each other and I am more closer to my brother.

When I started going to high School, Didi was in college and she was still doing everything around house and today she is still involved with similar things...she has two kids, and she have to serve to her husband and two kids....When I look at her, I think of our childhood and then I cry...She had a right to play, to enjoy life as a kid but she got opposite she had to kill herself in kitchen... Time came when I realized that this is not fair, and this need to change. I took my brother's help and we gave big lectures to Papa & Mummy, when ever we found a chance we grabbed took us years of lectures and refusing papa's wishes to reach to a point....but we did changed his mentality. Now a days he behaves better with my Mom, although he never had raised hand on her and he never do(Thank God) but in general view I never found his attitude as wonderful as it should have been. This has helped my Bhabhi more than it could have helped my Mom...Mummy has never changed and I hate it that she never get to take a day off, unless she is really sick....and this sucks.

Once my Father came to visit me in Bombay, I was living alone and I had weird schedule for my shooting and auditions...he had to live with it. I stopped cooking in advance as I might have to run right away after I get call or so...then he started boiling food, making chai, dal and stuff...I remember one day he told me that I wont buy salad stuff for this week...I asked why to papa kehte hain...yaar Chawal daal banane mein hi meri halaat ho jaati hai, salad banane tak to kafi thak jaata hun....I guess he started realizing from that time onwards.

Now sometimes I see my brother behaving the same way my father used to, but luckily my Bhabhi is not like my Mom who will let it be or who will listen to all crap husbands has to give. She always makes sure, My brother helps her in kitchen and their kid's studies and all....I am proud that she is doing it...Genes are changing after all...

I luckily got all freedom I wanted at my parents place, probably because I was the youngest OR may be all noticed Didi and learned a lesson.....When I grew old and started thinking straight and started planning for my own life, the very first thing I thought I don't want to become my Mummy I decided few things for me.

1. I will have my earnings no matter what happens and I don't care if it will come in between my marriage

2. I will Choose what I want to be not what my parents and husband want me to.

3. I will not change my last name and I will not let anyone over shadow my personality.

4. I will marry a guy who is half partner in everything be it marriage, house chores or earnings.

5. I will not give birth to a kid until I will have good savings...

I am living on my terms...and I am following my may is not easy to follow your dreams in on ego but keeping yourself focussed brings me satisfaction and happiness...I am not my Mom, but I look exact her....and I am proud of a family who has the ability to change and who has a ability to accept change.


The Unwanted Girl Child

17:23 Posted by Shadows of life

Please visit This Blog for more reading about unwanted girl child in India.

I want to ask you one thing, Why do we as woman treat other woman as if they are cheap, bad or unwanted? As mother-in-laws or sisters or daughters or generally as woman with a woman.....why do we do it?

I remember my friend's mother used to behave with her own daughter as if she was a bad Oman for family or she was not human or something like that, and it was her own real makes me think as if she was the unwanted girl child...She was taken out of school in 7th grade, and she used to help her mother in house and by the time we reached 9th grade, she was married and this is in Chandigarh, a big educated city. We few friends went to visit her new place where she moved after one year of her married life, and what I
saw was scary, it was our first friend who got married. I was scared of life after was a dirty one room with no kitchen, she was cooking in the corner of that room, on stove(the old style stove, not gas stove) while she was serving her husband and taking care of her few month old baby...her husband was yelling at her and he was behaving as if we don't exist in that room...I felt so bad. The worse was when she started yelling at her own little daughter for taking birth.....she thought the problem was her daughter.....OH!!!!!!!!!!

I felt ashamed of being a girl...I was just 14 years old and I wanted to live for my life, not for husband.
We were her bad friend cos we never went to visit her again....I have no clue where she is at this point, and what is her life now.

Jyoti, I wish you are fine, safe, happy and healthy.


Net & Me...or should I say Net & We...

17:47 Posted by Shadows of life

its so funny...I didn't even realized why was I becoming a internet freak....well, its been long now I moved to US and when I first moved I have no friends here and obviously no family but a husband...I needed to share my feelings, life and Moments of new world with someone, so I started chatting online with friends, some I already knew, some I revised from old life, and some I came in my life when I started giving myself to chat and blogs.

I slowly slowly got hooked to net fully without any realization...and then obviously boredom at home and relationships always get to the head and you need to take it out of your mind and body so same way I shared few things, then few more with online friends and some friends from past. I thought its all because I don't have a job & friends, but through the net itself I got the temp job...and few friends, I started noticing that life is so hectic and busy here, that you hardly get few hours for yourself and while relaxing you surely don't want to meet someone, but you can pretend to meet people and friends online, even if they live right next door.

So I signed up for few different sites to contact more friends and more people, to network and to myspace, meetup, criagslist &casting call pro etc and then I kept finding and looking for jobs, friends and better things for life for cheap prices through these sites or craigslist kinds sites.

I finally got the job and start going to work regularly...and I was still hooked up to net, reason....I was seeing people at work, tons and tons of people around me, next to me and all over the Los Angeles....when I used to go home, it was always a negativity and then I used to go in one corner and sit with my laptop and start chatting and doing one or the another things online...I never went to stupid sites like dating or singles kind of as I never wanted any one in my life at that point...but whatever and however....I found a way to live, I started calling myself net addict...then I lost my phone and bought a blackberry...another net machine in the palm of my took me off the normal life completely....I really became net addict but only for friends....and only for my old life and a dream to live better life...may be just in dreams though.

Things never changed as we were escaping sadness and madness and never actually sat down and worked the problems from root level....and then the time came...when I moved to new place, I had no net for a week and half...I watched tv and read few articles on my blackberry..but I was missing something, INTERNET...I had to turn it I back to net now....I can again chat, ryze, find and read and write...and live away from real world...

And now I know why? I am all alone at home, at work and in life....I have a so called family but we don't talk more than we need to, I work around people but we don't talk cos we have our own life and work to finish...and I travel in bus and train and we don't talk to anyone, cos we don't know anyone...and internet life is so of a mouse and here goes my life in to a new world...with out moving a bit......


Why do we hate Homeless people?

12:50 Posted by Shadows of life

Why do we hate homeless ppl?

They are humans and they are alive...then why do we hate them? They just could not take life as it comes to them, they were just not able to help their mindset and life to go in right direction, thats it. The difference between me and homeless is very simple, I had home and loved ones and I have and mind to fight back and these people may had home or may be not, but they didn't had power and strength to fight back so sometimes they took up drugs/alcohol and sometimes they were financially broken and had no loved one to give them hand or they kept sulking and sinking in...thats it.

I met a homeless guy in train today, while I was on my way to work today...its not I saw a homeless for the fist time, but he was right next to me... So I am standing I know next to this guy who brought his blanket, few bottles and cans in a bag and that's it. This is his possession. Just this much... He was wearing nasty cloths, dirty broken chappals, seems like he hasn't shower for months. He went in the corner, put his blanket and sat relax, without judging anyone or even looking at anyone. But we on the other side have bags/purses, nice cloths and everything and we judge him, why? How we are better than him? How are we better than him?

No one cares what is his problem, no one knows who he is...he could be a musician, or artist or anyone who is broke now and all one knows what he go through each day and how he handle his life and why, when and where?

We all are so ready to judge him but are we ready to give him a job? A steady home? A loving home? A steady income, food for the day or anything, anything which makes us a better human than him? Will you do it???

I know no one would, cos we just know how to judge not to help....

Wish we had helping hand instead of judging eyes, we might have had less of people living on homeless and as sad & lonely humans.

Check this out...they think they are really happy, and we think we are...