I blanked out twice. We were working continuously on similar stuff, similar issues...and I lost it. Discussing and learning those issues I care for is not boring because what I love, I can never get bored of...hai ki nahin?
And about Kansas, we didnt see a thing. We were inside one building, the same building we entered and where we left from. We did leave for couple of hours for a fund raiser and enjoyed South American and Central American dances...wish I can dance...ahem!!
it was a great moment when J said, "lets all talk a little slow since we all have an accent" I was like"shitttt" but then I thought again and found it wasn't me only who came with an accent, every single woman over there had an accent...and I felt so light! No one judged me for having a different accent, no one looked low on to me for being Indian...I was proud to be my self, for the very first time in years!
Over the time of three days, I enjoyed the company of strong and empowered women, and lived moments of being self. How hard it is to be my own self in this world no too hard but believe me it is at times...but every one gave me the chance and I was able to be the same way for others....lucky.....I guess!!!
They said it is going to be cold in Kansas but I wasted my bag space cos it was nice weather...especially the last day. WE did found a way to enjoy even if it was next to a cemetery... Hey, those people are already dead...stop judging me, I am not judging you so why would you do so?
Anyways, the best part was the training. Not even a single women judged me for being a divorcee, for being a female, for being an Indian and for being the one who have said "enough" once and for all in her life...
How lucky are you to be at the places like the one I was at?
I am a gypsy. I think I was born this way but it was hard for me to accept. I use to run away from the thought of being a gypsy in my own way of gypsism cos my culture doesn't support it but I do want to...I want to be the one....travel, live and enjoy..fcuk this acchole world!!
I was waiting for Obama's speech for last week and half about war status and bringing American troops back to the America. Finally today wait ended and I listened to Obama on NPR. He used chosen words very carefully while explaining his reasons and explanations for his actions. I was impressed with his speech and I had few questions, which NPR's discussions did clear. And I suddenly found myself deep down interested in politics.
My developing interest in politics is a bit weird to myself as I hardly had any interest in politics unless I needed to discuss it with someone. Last year during President's election time I enjoyed Obama's HOPE campaign and when Obama took the position of America's President, I watched his every move very closely followed by his actions and speeches throughout the year. Not that I was interested in politics, but I am very attracted to what Obama is made of and how he has handled messed up situations. I guess that is known as politics. His 'hope' campaign was awesome, it helped him win over Bush, but I wanted to see results, so I am watching him carefully.
My background is from the country which is in development. America is more of a progressive country even after its history has less depth than India. In my country (read: India), I hardly saw any politicians giving explanations and clarity for their actions. Indian politicians speech was more of those kind of speech where they kind of ordered that they have taken some random steps and 'janta' (countrymen) is supposed to accept without questioning it. And sometimes there were speeches, which followed by the response of throwing chairs and violent acts in parliament house of New Delhi. I have seen some of these actions live on national TV. I wont say Indian politicians are just bosses to countrymen but its pretty close to the relationship between jailer and the victim. All that had obviously made me sad and over the years I lost interest in Indian politics.
I don't have deep interest in American politics but it does attract me more than Indian politics. May be because politicians try to stay crystal clear to the citizen's of America...or may Americans demand more clarity from them or may be its just that I am developing interest in politics. I don't know the truth but I guess in India, as a citizen, I was not given enough human rights to be myself and here in the US as a permanent resident I am given more freedom and rights, its up to me now if I choose to use those rights or not...or may be the truth is still hidden.
Any which way I still think Indians have more depth in their life and culture than America. America, defiantly needs to learn much more from cultural countries such as India, Pakistan, Mexico etc etc.
Talking of Pakistan reminds me one thing which impressed me a lot in Obama's speech is that he showed his interest in Pakistan's safety and Afghanistan's growth, and also that he wasn't all about America America, America and just America...what a relief!!!
Here is the speech...listen and don't forget to leave comments!
What is it to be a female for you? How is it different that you were born as a female in this world OR you chose to change your gender, why...how is it to be a female?
And dear male readers,
What is your take on female gender? How do you think you deal with female issues while being a male?
My two cents: I am very proud to be born as a female...but being a female comes with many issues and difficulties....but then females are the most strong gender as well.
I am not a big fan of TV. I never was, dunno why but never got hooked to it. I do watch TV occasionally with my kids. It is fun to see what kind of shows are common and getting good TRP now-a-days. I remember when I was working for TV in India, rating or TRP used to be the biggest god for TV artists...
Like today I saw Jerry Springer show...man!!! what a show. I think I would never like to watch that show but my girls loved watching it and enjoy every bit of drama from it. oh well, they are teenage kids, they love drama :-)))
After Jerry's show a new show started, its called Steve Wilkos Show. I, unaware of today's TV style, thought it would be some crappy show as most of the shows are...but guess what? It was not a crappy show but it was a weird show; it talked a lot about what I like to work on...it spoke somewhere my own language but in a way which is not very fun to watch. It dealt with people who are going through abuse and who doesn't know how to be out of it, and Steve, the host of the show, helped them find a way out. I appreciated his work. I liked the way he was dealing with victims; I liked the way he was so calm and quiet but made victims realized that they are wrong and how...He is a good man, I assume but again a TV artist who surely care about target rating point.
I had some issue with the show - it is called over exposure and wrong usage of reality. Basically, he and producers of the show used the real life drama and brought in front of camera...then they got some real deals on advertisements and here you go the TV show is ready to sell. Who wouldn't like to watch lifetime drama, some advice, free audience - the whole package is ready...life is all about how beautiful one can display their shiiit...
Oh well, isn't everything on TV is all about showoff, drama, crappiness and so called reality??? Movies are much better way to talk about reality without becoming a judge of any side.
Hypocrite moi would still love to work for TV shows over feature films...or would love to book some commercials for some TV show and make some hot commission...oh well, aren't we all hypocrite? I actually would never work for game shows, Talk shows or reality TV any more...its not my kind of TV though its TRP is really high...well human we beings just love drama...!!!
Now I am wondering what kind of shows Indian TV is showing? I am sure they are also mostly either talk show or reality TV style...anyone wanna inform moi?
This song is very close to me. It is one of the most inspirational songs I have ever heard...I love this song more than anything at times. It has truth, it has power and it has voice of Kailash Kher...He has put life in these words.
Hope you all enjoy this song too, and if you do, leave your marks.
So its the time of the year again - time to pay our thanks back and time to get our thanks...it is the Thanksgiving time!!
YAY!!!
Last year's Thanksgiving had somewhere different colors and hues in it, though this year it is not too skeptical, not too different!
Today is Wednesday, a day before Thanksgiving and I just came back home after celebrations. It was beautiful - four people sharing not just meal but happiness, smiles, wishes and love. It is just wonderful to have friends. Tomorrow, the actual day of thanksgiving, I will be relaxing (finally) at home for the first half of the day and second half I will enjoy yummy dinner with my kiddos...my work kids.
What is better than celebrating thanksgiving with those who I am thankful to - for my today's life, for their love and their passion and for all the smiles and choices I discover with them...what better way to celebrate a day full of happiness than to be with my little kids and their world? May lord give tons of happiness and smiles and of-course peace to all teenagers.
My special thanks for this year are for Sia, P and S...without them I would have been still floating in a weird river...Thank you for helping me find my path, thank you for being there and Thank you for being yourselves...May lord bless you with more love and happiness. Amen!!!
And wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving as well...just remember that life is beautiful.
I was young, probably in my early teenage when I heard papa telling my brother that never take debt on your head and never ask for money from someone unless you have that much to pay back. I dunno how but it got stuck in my head and my heart.
Years later even today I dont borrow money, I dont take anyone's debt. I get my pay check, I pay my bills. While working with non profit groups, often its hard to save even a penny but I am happy I dont owe any money to anyone - not to credit cards, not to friends, not even to my parents...unlike someone who I recently found is still dependent on HIS parents...I feel ashamed for HIM...Wish, HE had choices to choose from in his life.
I feel pride in myself that I was able to follow this rule even after I moved to a new country, and even after I lived a real hardship here...I think it was papa's this rule only which made me keep going on and keep doing things...just to find my own meaning of life.
I had two choices when I found my life is going no where: 1. Let the path lead me... OR 2. to find & lead my path...
I chose the later one. It was a hard choice. It made me go through hard parts of everything but one day I noticed I was standing on a road with passion bubbling up in my heart and that day I realized I had found my path. Today, I am walking on my path with passion and ambition, damn it is a hard path but it bring smile to me everyday, it gives me satisfaction each second...
Some where today I feel happy that once I was in dead depression because if I would have never been there, I would have never tried to look towards my choices.
Thank you Lord for giving me choices and helped me find and follow my path...This Thanksgiving is going to be amazing!!
I killed a squirrel today or so I think. I was on my way to work, driving and suddenly noticed few feet away from my car two squirrels were playing with each other: one crossed the street and another stopped in the middle of the street. I noticed it was far from my lane so I didn't slow down, but guess it moved right when I was close to it. I felt I might have hit it, to confirm I checked in left rear view mirror, noticed a stable squirrel on street, it might was either injured or dead and I lost a heartbeat.
I am still not sure if I have killed it or it was just injured, but I am feeling guilty. I was kept thinking about it throughout my way to work. I didn't stop to check upon it cos I was a bit scared of my own emotions. I might get in to weird depression if I find out that I have actually killed it, and if it wasn't killed I might have reacted totally different....I dunno...I am still confused. I am at work right now and I think I should give it few more hours before I come to any conclusion. But can I actually give it some time or stop thinking about it? Oh, I doubt it!!!
If I actually have killed an little animal while driving does that make me a killer? Should I get some punishment for it? Am I going to be comfortable with killings now on? Does that mean I am a selfish person who couldn't stop to see squirrel because of my own emotions? Am I really a selfish person? Is it okay to kill an animal on street if they are careless while you are driving carefully?
Why am I thinking about it too much? Whats wrong with me?
Jesus Christ, Lord Shiva, Lord Rama, Lord Krishna and all those Gods, whoever and wherever they are...I hope you will help that little squirrel....Amen!!
VJ
P.S. - I was just talking to Vrun about the incident and he told me that at times that feeling of 'may be' is stronger than being assured of something. I guess this is what made me keep driving than stopping at the incident and checking upon little animal...
When I was little school girl, I was taught that Hitler was the best ruler; he was the best leader on earth. I, leader by nature, always wanted to become like him so I can lead everyone in my business and in my life, well pretty much!
When I first met my ex-husband, who was a politics major in college, we use to discuss Indian and American politics often. I was weak in politics but I knew Indian politics more than him and he knew world politics more than me, which made discussions more fun and knowledgeable. Once during those discussions Adolf Hitler's name came in, I told him that I always wanted to be like him. He had disgust looks and weird expression on his face. He asked me that I am not a violent person at all then why am I attracted to Hitler's characteristics. I told him what I was taught, he was ashamed of my education :-( after knowing the truth, I was too.
Sadly, he and his education was right and soon I found out I was taught many things wrong especially about world history. I dunno if today the education level is changed in India or not but I do know that I never ever want to be even H of Hitler forget becoming a leader like him.
After I moved to the US and met with those real people who, themselves or their families, had gone through Hitler's Holocaust, I realized how bad the Education system is in my country...I confess that I didn't do a thing to change it but I did talk to my little nephews about it and tried to tell them about Hitler's real face and about 'real' history...not sure how much they understood but I hope they dream unlike me and my generation about leadership.
I remember once my ex-husband went to a book store to buy his favorite marble comics and came back with 9th grade history book. The more he read, the more I became aware of what I was taught right and what not. oh well...with the age I did learn a lot and I am not done learning.
Today while watching Valkyrie, all those days came as a picture in front of my mind's eye and I thought of writing this blog. If we have even few of Col. Stauffenbergs in our various countries, this world will become a peaceful place for humans. And all I can do is pray for my both countries as well as rest of the world.
And that reminds me of Beenish's one post...do read and comment on her these two posts about Anne Frank - Part one and Part two....
I do, I hear America crying everyday when I reach at work. When I see my little teenage kids I work with, when I hear another homeless kid on the block, when I see a new teenager at one of our recovery homes...I see America crying...
Two days ago, I was about to leave for work in the night and as usual radio was on and Dick Gordon was presenting "The Story"
I, one of the biggest fan of Dick's work and stories, suddenly found myself frozen when I heard this poem from high school teacher, who recite his student's work. I don't know who the owner of this poem is and who wrote it, but I do want to share it here for all my readers and my fellows. If the author reads this poem, please do contact me so I can give you credit as a writer.
Here is 'the story' presented by Dick Gordon...good work.
The poem is based on Whitmen's song "I hear America singing" This poem is called "I hear America Crying..."
I hear America crying the very carols I hear those of single mother each one crying to sleep at night as they try to brainstorm new ways to make ends meet The little boy crying for a father figure some one who he can look up to and teach him how to be a man the addict in every family crying as he or she struggle to stay clean just so that he or she can win back custody of their child the young teenage mother crying, hoping she will be able to graduate high school and not become another teen statistic the father crying behind the bars as he try to explain to his only daughter, how come daddy isn't home the insecure girl within all of women crying as we struggle daily to learn how to love ourselves, unconditionally the awful cry of a single mother or the little boy or the addict each crying about what eats up with them... the day that belongs today, at night the party of young fellows upset, disappointing, singing with open mouths their strong melodies songs...
I hear America crying...
Vim On a mission - looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.
It was a beautiful morning. Unexpectedly, I slept well at night. I woke up, got dressed and left as usual - just few minutes later than my normal schedule, and I was happy, seriously. I thought I will stop by at 7/11 and pick some donuts for my teenage girls and my co-worker. I did pick up few donuts, came back to my car and the Asian guy next to my car told me that I had a flat. I didn't understand him and asked him that what he meant. He showed me my right front tire, which was flat. Jesus Christ!!!
I once again called AAA, gave details and waited outside my car, right after I informed my co-worker that I was going to be late. AAA guy came, took off the flat tire and changed it with spare tire. I looked at spare tire and asked why was spare a weird looking, thin and baby tire? He looked at me as if I am a weirdo and said,"because it is a spare?" I still didn't get it. After all this was my life's first flat tire which I was handling all by myself. I clearly told him that I didn't know what that means and asked him if he can please explain. He was better with his looks this time and explained that spare is a temporary tire and it is small in size because it is not permanent tire (I got it dude and whats next???) Next he explained that I can't drive over 50 miles/hour with spare, and if I drive on freeway I might get a ticket.
I was standing in weird shock when he left. I didn't know what to do. I knew only one way to work and that was freeway, not that I was unable to find a street way out but hello...taking streets to 10 miles away job...are you kidding me? Jeez...well, I thought of taking the risk and drove on freeway while I made sure I don't go over 55 miles/hour. I was irritated while driving on freeway as I drive 80+ miles per hour on freeways. Today being Sunday the freeway was empty and I had to resist my urge to drive 'normal' speed. Oh well, I was once afraid of driving on freeways, remember anyone?
I finally reached to work and the first shift went well. I called my second job and told them that I was going to be late, and went to pepboys. The guy from Pepboys checked my car and its tires. He clearly told me that I needed two new tires for the front. I tried to argue and he clearly said, either fix it today or keep driving on spare until you are not safe anymore...so I gave my car for fixing. They changed two old tires to two new tires and oil was changed...and I paid a big price for it...well, safety matters!
Later, I found out the spare tire is known as donut for some reason. I smiled thinking that I wanted to buy donuts and I got donut...oh well, co-incident I guess :-)
Few minutes ago when I was starving, I opened freezer and took few frozen paranthas out. One pack of masala parantha, one pack of paneer parantha and one frozen thepla pack. Yummmm. Made chai, opened new pack of yogurt and warmed up flat pan so I could defrost/cook my paranthas. Opened first pack…jeez!!! I wanted mummy.
It was trikon (three corner) parantha, and no one can make it better than mummy…I am serious, NO ONE!!! Oh I missed her like hell, wanna see her so bad. Also, wanna eat trikon parantha made by her.
Opened second pack, it was paneer parantha. Well, paneer parantha has always been my favorite. So missed Punjabiyat in me a bit. I need to visit Punjab asap, so that Punjabiyat stays in.
While warming up trikon parantha and paneer paranrha, I opened last pack. A thought came across my mind - finally end of associations and memories, but the second I saw thepla(gujju bread made out of fenugreek, flour and spices) oh boy!!! My ex-mother-in-law must have sneezed. She used to make best gujju snacks. I still remember her at times. May Lord bless her.
Life is fun for sure. I will see mummy and Punjab one day, but will never see my ex-mother-in-law…yeh jeewan hai vee!!! But hey, the world is small…kaun jaane kab kya ho jaaye.
Today I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows. Well, its not India that we can just walk in any corner of any random street and get a beauty salon, where someone is always ready to thread eyebrows. Here in the US, we have to go far away for a typical beauty job, that too after scheduling especially for specific job even if it is eyebrow threading.....:-)) This is the another point I will write about one day...its called cheap labor.
Anyways, today when I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows, I noticed a silver kinda line in between. I got confused and thought it probably was a fuzz or something...but, lekin, kintu prantu it was a white (gray) hair shinning with the light coming out of window. Funny, I could have never imagined a silver hair strand from my own eyebrows haa haa I do have few silver shining hair on my scalp, but eyebrows...come on.....
I celebrated Diwali alone today despite the fact I had choices and chances to celebrate with people I know well, and despite I hate celebrating festivals alone. I just wanted to be alone.
It was my 4rth Diwali in the US, and 2nd alone without my ex. No, I didn't miss HIM and I'm happy about it. I refused to celebrate with others cos I didn't feel like being with anyone. I was stressed due to various reasons and loneliness was easy way out. I went to Gurudwara and came back in few minutes cos I wanted to.
Well, I have just now confessed some truth to myself. The truth is weird and it made me cry. Oh man, too much of truth. I'm scared of losing my culture, my religion and my existence of being Punjabi Indian female.
At my parents place we used to celebrate Diwali in a certain way, which was 50% typical way and rest 50% made up due to needs and usage. So basically, I got 50% of 'real' way of celebrating which got reduced when I started celebrating festivals on my own. I, obviously, added my flavor into it and today I didn't even celebrate 25% of the way I used to celebrate. I had enough money with God's grace for Diwali and enough time too, but I just didn't!
I slept in my bed until 4PM, escaping the truth that I need to do few things in order to celebrate festival. My biggest fear is that what if I lose the cultural effect of celebrations? What if I won't be able to pass the beautiful Indian heritage to my kids? I guess I needed a break to think and act with peace.
Then why am I so worried about it? I guess, I'm worried because I'm a very adaptable person and I have pretty much adapted American culture in last 6 years (few I lived here and few were due to my ex husband, who is born and raised in America). The way I work, eat, cook, live and do pretty much anything in life is more American than Indian. Reason? Its easy way to do things once you live and work in this country. I was never a typical Indian girl back home so it was easy to gel in to this world once I understood it.
Today while reading "the gori wife life" blog I figured out that why was I so lousy and scared of my own festivals. Few days ago my status message was "diwali kaiku aali re baba" which means why is Diwali coming!!! I don't want to face that I already have lost parts of my culture and heritage and in coming years I might loose more if I won't start saving it. The basic problem is no matter how hard I try I will lose bits and parts of my culture due to over exposure of this culture.
When I first met my ex-in-law family, I was surprised to see the double standard life even with their sons. I noticed that they chose to be like that as they weren't sure how to introduce their kids to Indian culture and also if kids will accept their culture or not. I often thought that may be they were somewhere ashamed of their heritage, or may be not....can't say!
Then I noticed many first and second generations from South Asian behaving same way especially who were less educated/less exposed to western culture before they moved here. Make sense, I guess. That time I decided not to lose my culture's best part and give that beautiful gift to my kids. I haven't lost much and hope when I will give birth to my kiddos and when I raise my kids, I still have those beautiful parts of my culture embedded in me. Amen!!!
Life is strange. Somewhere I want to be a gypsy and somewhere I want to hold on to my roots tightly!
I bought a new journal yesterday. Oh well, yeah once AGAIN!!!
And this time the design of this journal is damn kewl. It has colorful birds on it woven in embroidery. In fact the full cover page is hand embroidered. It is made in India :-) I am carrying a big smile with the feel of its origin. I know for sure that what I paid for it at borders were probably not even imaginable for those who made it in India. I paid $16.95 before 9.25% taxes. The person who made it might sold dozen copies for the same price, but then I am not going to fight, argue, and/or crib about it.
The USA is promoting Indian rural culture and crafts and that is good enough for me. I do care about the issue but I don't want to be one of hundreds who are already fighting for it. I rather buy and encourage others to buy this kind of stuff, so they never go out of work. I often buy these kind of things and give them as gift. Its my way of working for Indian arts and crafts.
So, any which way....I bought this journal and the first thing I decided not to have HIS name any where around my this journal. I wrote two stories same day and one short film idea. After I finished all this while sitting at Borders.
I went to work at around 3 after buying and writing my new journal. Around 5 I started to feel restless and anxious to use this journal. Oh I did use it. I started writing a question and then replied to it. The style took its shape and I have asked myself over 20 questions already. Few questions I knew, few I created and many I took randomly from my life.
Two of these questions were those questions, which I was scared to face, but I did it. I read them few times and now I feel a little less relaxed in facing them. See, my journal is already worth the money - paisa vasaool!!! (Do I hear some clarifications?)
I was talking to my brother over the phone a day after hearing regarding the same issue etc, and suddenly he said that Papa is around him and he is giving phone to him. This is the conversation happened between us that day.
Papa: Hello beta
Moi: God...
Papa: Hello, ki hoya beta?
Moi: God wrote a book about my life. He has a plan for me. In his book, he mention that the road of VeeJay's life has a lot of bumps, it is broken at places and often it is not perfect place to drive your precious cars. But as Veejay's life car will never go out of gas, it will keep running until the eternity, crossing bridges, humps and all obstacles.
Papa: Beta, I'm so proud of you. You are the strongest one in my three kids. I'm so proud of you. (his voice was like he is gonna cry soon)
Moi: chado yaar, you make me cry. I talk about car and all you do is cry...
Papa: Oye Putter (to my Brother) le is de naal gall kar, bahut vadi ho gayi hai.
And I had nothing else to say to him...Because life happened to both of us, once again.
When you thinking too much, you miss what happens in the present moment, like I did. Okay, let me come directly to the story...Today morning, I reached to work like any other day, while I was thinking too much like the night before. I parked my car, locked and went in to office to clock in. I clocked in and suddenly I felt my hands are empty. I checked my pockets, they were empty too. I was holding only my coffee tumbler and nothing. Shit!!!
I rushed to my car, and my guess was right. Car was still running, keys were in the ignition....and car was locked!!!!
Oh yeah, smarty pants. I don’t know what to do now. Went to see my co worker and told her the situation, she said, "oh no biggy, do you have triple A (AAA), Call them" I said, "the number is in my purse, and purse is in my car." She said, “call 411." "Smart", I thought.
I called 411, got the number for AAA, I called AAA, and explained the situation, expecting the operator would laugh at me, but nope...she didn't. She got the situation and within few minutes, AAA guy was at my work's parking lot. He used a bag in between my car's passenger door and door wall. He filled air in the bag by pumping the air puncture. With in few seconds door was a little loses, he put a wire in it, and in few more seconds the door was unlocked. Car was still on, keys were in ignition. I turned the car off, took keys out and boom!!! Done!
This whole process took less than 15 minutes. I was damn impressed. Hee hee Well, I had never gone through similar situation in my life, not even in India. Oh that put ideas in my head...
Now if I imagine the same situation in India, it probably will be the funniest, weird and crazy. Okay let's imagine the same situation:
I parked my car, went in to the office, clocked in and suddenly realized that I forgot car keys inside the locked car. The second I would utter these words out of my mouth, rest of the staff will start laughing at me. They will call me stupid, yedi, dimaag kharaab hua hai etc etc. Finally, if I will get a chance to ask someone about what to do with car now, I will get suggestion of breaking the glass or pulling the door so it might pop up open. When I will refuse these crazy tricks, they all will walk to parking lot and will make a group around my car, leaving behind their important work and life. The space will feel crowded so much that my baby car will have no breathing space. Some one will suddenly start pounding on door hoping it would open. I will have to jump up to stop him. Then within few minutes, stories of someone's aunt's son or uncle's daughter etc etc will eat my brain. These stories will contain nothing but some stupid mistake made by other people in their innocence. These stories will make me feel more stupid and I will finally give up. By the time it will be 11 AM, everyone's tea time. Everyone will leave me wondering what the heck happened, and what to do now!!! Then some security guard or laborer kind of person will give me suggestion that I should call his uncle's brother's son's grand daughter's husband as he is a key maker and will open my car with master key. I would surely do so without thinking.
By this time car would be sounding awful cos battery will be getting dead. In a while someone will tell me to call emergency vehicle, some copy of AAA stuff in Mumbai. I will call that and they will inform me to be there in 5 minutes. Two hours later when my car's battery and gas will be done, I would be informed that car is not running anymore. I will try to concentrate on my work, leaving car worry to my co-workers. By then it is lunch time. I want to do some work but nothing will be manageable...I will then wait for either key guy or copy of AAA company.
5 hours later and after 20,000 phone calls key guy and copy of AAA will show up in the office parking lot at the same time and complaining the hardship of their life. Key man will have a deep argument that he reached first so he should be allowed to perform his tricks on my car and copy of AAA will fight with him stating that he reached before him. Finally I would decide that key man should leave and copy of AAA should fix the problem. Now new fight will start that I had called key man and I wasted his time so I should pay him blah blah amount of money cos he came to help me. Finally after negotiations and arguments I will pay him something to leave my life alone.
Now, copy of AAA will give me his price for the day instead of his price for the job. New negotiations and new arguments will start, obviously other party will win. They will open my door while scratching my car door and making it mess around my car. I finally will get my keys after 7/8 hours of struggle, arguments, annoying behavior and negotiations. Now I will try to turn ignition on. Due to dead car battery, it won't start, and I will ask the copy of AAA to jump it. He will say that I didn’t ask for jump cables so he didn't bring any jump cables....by the time it will be the end of office day. My all co-workers will join me in finding jump cables. Finally one of my co-worker will go to market and will buy me new jump cables. I will jump my car and finally after wasting a lot of money, time, energy...and basically all day I will drive through crowded streets of Mumbai only to find that the spare key of my car is in my office drawer, not at home.
Now you know what happens when we think too much :-P
So today is Tuesday, September 08, 2009. September 8 means two days before, I would have celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary. And today is also the date for my court hearing, and hopefully final court hearing, for divorce, for dissolution of the same marriage. I'm not sad any more. I'm a little intimidate by HIS presence. It worries me a little but I'm standing strong, ready to sign those papers, so I feel free from this legal knot. I'm free, happy and satisfied with life at this moment of my life. And today, again, hopefully, I will get this legal knot taken off my life and it will set me free. Freedom, is the one and only thing, I won't compromise for or with. I want it all, and I will keep it all.
This blog, this ranting space, gave me much more than I could have asked for. I dunno who were the readers, but who ever read me and my rantings, and whoever took this almost two years of journey with me, knows I'm same person but with different attitude. Thank you Lord, thank you P, and the most thanks to S, my attorney. You were always there for me and I can't be more thankful. I might am short of words but I'm overwhelmed with my loved ones presence in my life.
:-)))) all love and all smiles for you all.....hugs.
This country is made to work, live, enjoy and run @ 60 miles/hour and if you walk at 6 miles per hour....you are way behind the crowd...but never alone!
Need to write, but have no time. I feel that its easy tweeting and checking others blogs on blackberry, but writing my own post is a bit big deal for me...oh well!!
So here is the update for self and all...I am drained of working. I have been working double and at times, triple shifts. Did I hear why? Oh come on, I need money and I need to run away from so many emotional issues...;-) hee hee well its true somewhere...
The real truth is I know today I have these days in my hands to work and I have physical power to take two three shifts so I rather work as much as I can, who have seen tomorrow? And also, I need to visit India and need some extra cash in hand...simple!!
I know legally I shouldn't be working at one job more than 8 hours a day or may be 10 hours max, but I am on three different jobs and this is why I can do it :-) seriously not that I want to do it all the time, but positively if I see my options they are limited. Working with limited options is always been my specialty.
Today, I had to promise myself not to take more than one shift a day for at least a week, why? Simply because my body has started giving up and it needs rest. I need so many days, when I don't have to get up for something, for not to be there for others, for just sit in bed and spend all day or all night chatting with friends, writing and above all,let myself be...Also for coming up court date, I need peaceful mind so I can think without stress. Over all...I need a break!!! And for that I have to promise myself so I take care of myself.
I lost one whole year, because my country doesn't know how to process paperwork fast and this country doesn't understand the need of others....All this is called cooperative world. Now wait is over, and I am back to zero to start a new year from scratch.
Often I want to be the kind of person I am becoming, but at times, I want to be what is known as "green grass on the other side"
I am a very independent, smart and passionate person who work towards her goals every single second of her life. Then comes days like today, when I want to have babies, and a partner and a life, which is the life on the grass at other side.
I control these urges, to be precise, I suppress these emotions. I do know why, because I don't want to be dependent on anyone, any which way: emotionally, physically, financially and/or psychologically. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to lose once again. I don't want to gain something, which I will cry for, for lifetime....I am done with all that. I shouldn't be there anymore. I am not going to be there, not any more.
ah!!! Hazaaro khwaishein aisi ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...
Today is Raksha Bandhan day. It’s an Indian festival of siblings (brother & Sister) Raksha Bandhan aka Rakhi literally means 'A knot of protection' The celebrations includes a prayer by sister for her brother's long and successful life, while saying the prayer she ties a thread which is called Rakhi, around her brother's wrist and in return he promises to save and protect her from all evils of the world. This is also the day to grab the biggest gift ever from older brothers hee hee or so I used to do.
I have been living away from my brother for over 15 year. I don't tie Rakhi to my brother any more, no specific reason but may be cos I have been away for long time or may be….oh well who cares for the reason. The virtual knot has always been so strong between me and veerji (my older brother) that we don't need a Rakhi to call ourselves brother and sister or to pray and protect each other. Also Didi (my older sister) is always there to tie a physical Rakhi from my side to my veerji too na :-)))
Rakhi has always been my favorite festival. When I was a little young girl, living with my parents, I always was overly excited for Raksha Bandhan, always over whelmed for this festival. I always wanted new cloths on Raksha Bandhan, no matter if it’s expensive or cheap; it just has to be new. I always bought the most beautiful Rakhi in town, the best of sweets and awesome gifts for my brother. Well, that was past, presently, in today, where I am living a hectic and crazy fun life, where I am lazy and lousy, here I seriously forget to buy the Rakhi and also forget the exact date of the festival. And on top of all of that, this year I forgot to send Rakhi to my brother and had to send it over night at very last minute. I don't always send Rakhi to my bro, but once in a while I do so. It makes me feel good. Today, I called him and talked to my family. This call is like a ritual for me, for years.
This year due to my hectic life style and emotional fun times, I forgot to buy Rakhi for myself as well. Yeah, for me...you read it right...for myself. Oh well this has a story behind it.
Years ago, I saw Mummy tying a Rakhi to her God's picture and this was repeated year after year. One fine day I asked her the reason behind it and she told me that God is the biggest protector of all who save everybody. I agreed to it. She also stated that since her brothers live far from her so it’s nice to tie a Rakhi to someone we trust and love. I took that small lesson in my life. When I moved out of my parents place for my hostel then I started tying Rakhi to the statue of Shiva which my brother gave me. Each year while tying new Rakhi to the statue, I took old one out and started tying it on my wrist. Then few years ago I started buying a new Rakhi for myself, which I tie each year on my wrist by myself. Today, I am wearing a new Rakhi on my wrist. Truthfully, I really like the idea. Now who could be the biggest protector of me than me? Who could I trust and love the most beyond myself...hai na :-))))))) Happy Rakshi Bandhan to all Brothers and sisters.
So here how it goes. I went to Cri-Help's No Ho center (oh it has memories) and I waited...wel yeah most of the time....for those peeps to use me as volunteer and I guess either they don't need free help or they have no idea what is it means to be volunteer.
Conversation between from desk and moi:
Moi - Hey, my name is blah blah and I'm interested in volunteering with your group.
Front desk - huh? What do you want?
Moi - I want to volunteer (super slow) with your group.
Front Desk - Oh I see...ok ok. One sec...
(he does nothing, just sit and stare at me...may be he was thinking)
Front Desk - Ok, can you please wait over there (points towards couch) and I will let her (points towards a lady behind him) speak with you.
Moi - Thank you.
(I walked towards couch and sat over there. Mean while many strange faces, weird looking people walked by me...some even wished me hello and some just stared at me.)
10 minutes.....
Front Desk - Madam.... (I guess he called moi)
Moi - Yes...
(I got up and walked to the front desk)
Front Desk - Mr. Rick is going to speak with you in a while, please wait...
(OKAY....Funny....)
Moi - Thank you
(I went back to couch and started reading LA Weekly. Again, people, smiles, stares, expressions and I was lost in to that evening when I first entered inside that building...with HIM, for HIM....what a night that was, full of tears and full of hopes.)
10 minutes later...
Front Desk - Madam....
(this time I refused to get up and replied to front desk guy from couch)
Moi - Yes...
Front Desk - Mr. Rick is not around for some reason, but he is around (huh?) I mean he is not gone for the day. Do you want to wait or may be you want to leave.....?
(I went up to him and he repeated his words again.)
Moi - Here is my name and phone number, I live around the corner, please have him call me or you call me and let me know if you want me to come and meet. (now he is confused - I guess he wasn't taught this part of expression in his training)
Front Desk - Hmmmmm
Moi - oh well, do you want me to wait?
(his face is all smiled up)
Front Desk - Yes please, I mean if you can?
Moi - How much time will it take?
Front Desk - May be 5 or 10 minutes....
Moi - Okay, I guess I can wait that long.
(I went back to couch and started writing this post. 5 minutes later a guy came by and started talking to others standing close to the couch I was sitting at. Suddenly he looked at me and in between his talks with others he introduced himself)
5 Minutes...
Man - Hi, my name is Rick.
Moi - Hi Rick, my name is blah blah...
Rick - So how can I help you?
Moi - Well, I am blah blah blah and I want to volunteer with your group. I am really interested in working with adults in recovery from substance abuse.
Rick - Oh that is nice but we have internship program but don't have any program for free volunteers....you can join the course 'substance abuse counseling' and I will help you get into our internship...
Moi - Blah blah blah...thank you!!
I left.
I was confused as their website says "WORK WITH US" but when I went there they needed no help...weird. Saala, log free ki help tak nahin le sakte...blah blah blah....
I reached home and my lovely neighbor who was trying to read something, was sitting outside her room. I asked her how she was doing and she asked the same to moi. I tried my Spanish with her and she tried her English with me. I appreciated her little kitchen garden by kept saying bonita, bonito, gracious...blah blah blah....and suddenly she got up and gave me a lovely plant with pot and pot holder for moi casa (my house) I refused many times but she was kept saying 'for tu casa...tu casa...' And I remembered how I felt when I wanted to give my free services to someone and others refused...so I took it and put it on my dining table...It actually look cute up there.
So I crossed a red light (signal man!!!) second time in my life. Nah, didn't get any ticket yet...I am sure I wont get any either. I am sure cos though it was a big signal, but not too crowded and no cameras flashed on moi :-D I didn't get any ticket last time either and it was also a mistake to cross red signal...oh well aadmi galtiyon ka putla hai na. Err is human after all.
I didn't mean to cross it but I was again, yes AGAIN busy replying a stupid email while driving...and here I went away on red signal. The second I realized what I have done, I slowed down in the middle of the cross section and then drove by. Later, I had my eyes kinda fixed on rear view mirror to see if some cop car is coming after me...!! Thank you Lord for saving me tonight, but...yeh saale mail mein bhi bhejte hai na ticket...which I am sure I won't get :-))))
Sometimes I tell myself that I am tired of working day and night, but then the truth is that I am workaholic; I cant live peacefully if I am not working; I cant live without working less than I am already stuck with. I enjoy working 50 to 70 hours of work each week when the "normal" people work only 40 hours a week. I can easily do 40 hours of work a week but then....I wont get as much of fun and money as much I get now :-P
Anyways, what am I gonna do if I work only 40 hours a week? Lets see....May be I can go out and party more? But...Nah!!! Been there done that...party life is just too much for me at this stage of my life....I don't enjoy drinking as much now-a-days and going for dancing with 'some' friends is not my cup of tea. I love dancing and clubbing but company matters. Oh well, I can go to gym and work on my body shape (which I cry about day and night) and take care of my health, but health is too hype of a issue now-a-days :-P hmmm I can cook healthy food but then I am lazy to go buy groceries, I think its better if my friend cook for me and I pay her for home made food...well, she cook average taste and I am getting used to of living with it..I can read more but I am reading ebooks sitting at work all the time. May be I can watch more movies...oh lord I watch one movie a day...au kya bache ki jaan loge :-P Oh yeah, I can work on my pending paintings or I can write more often...but I am a lazy soul. I can write more, paint more and work more only if I am on the work spree, but if I am off work means I have days off...I will sleep all day and it will depress the f*kng hell of me....Oh well now you know why I cant do anything else but work - simple there is nothing else to do in life but working :-P
(sitting at work and writing blogs - now you know this too what I do at work :-P)
Today while chatting online with my older brother, who happens to be my best friend, I asked him if the decision on 377 has been delivered. He replied right away that he is not from that society and hoping I am also not from that society either. That society obviously meant society or group of people who are gays, bisexual, lesbians, transgenders or queer. I wanted to say what if I am, will you stop loving me? But I just couldn't ask. I dunno why, may be I was cowered or I was not sure that he will understand the feeling of being gay. Even after being a straight person, it was hard for me to tell this thought to my brother...think of thousands of those who really are LGBTQ and can't share their love, happiness and life with their own families?
That was the moment when I realized so deeply that why many South Asians just cant get their all courage together and speak in front of their family, relatives or even friends. I felt so shaken. I felt a cold trembling feeling travel up my backbone. Oh how I wish I could help by simply brain washing typical cultural effects, probably the same way terrorists brain wash little kids and then they make kid army against human race...!
And as life is strange, and strangest is Vee Jay - I, next day, sent out email to Satrang stating that I am interested in volunteering with them. Today I am part of Satrang team as program coordinator and proud of it. I would love if any of you join us, work with us and be with us and find the true identity of being South Asian.
If you are homophobic and want to change the mind set, join us, if you are queer and don't know how to meet other South Asians, join us, if you are not sure what is it to be a queer, join us and even if you want to just help South Asians join us and/or join SAN...
(Will write more about these organizations in future posts)
Wrote on July 2, 2009 - the day India finally declared that homosexuality is NOT a crime. And July 2 happens to be my big sis's birthday too.
I didn't know what 'gang' meant when I was in India. After I decided to change my profession and started doing what now I love doing, I gave attention and understanding to the meaning of the word "GANG"
The word gang meant 'a group of people' to me until I found that what those group of people can do...Welcome to the world of freedom and violence.
Not that in India there are no gangs. There must be many gangs, full of violence and full of cliques, but I wasn't aware of them; I am still not aware of any Indian gangs. I am more aware of American gangs...now I know what it is to be in a gang, to be for the gang and to be around gang. It does seems funny thing but I do know now that now I know not just gangs, but gang members and many interesting details about gangs...be it Crisps, Bloods, MS-13 or any other black, Hispanic, Indian, Phillipino or American gang...WOW!!! Life makes you grow fast even if you refuse to grow.
I have figured that the basic reason people become gang members is - need of protection, need to be there for your community, lost mindset, and need to do something and all that with the base of distorted family background...
I am lucky I was raised in a family where parents were always there for me and siblings, and they were there together, not single mother or single father...oh America!!!
Life is strange; it gives you its own fun feeling of freedom and living with the consequences of gangs, violence and distortion. God bless America.
Vim
P.S. I gotta write a lot on this topic; It has got stuck in the tiny heart, but will write some other day!!!
P.P.S. - I am not a member of any gang, and I am sure I will never be able to be one (thank you lord)
After months long wait; after fighting non-stop with **University**; after putting my life pretty much on hold; I finally got the letter saying: waiting list. Duh!!! More wait, and more wait!
Chalo yehi sahi ji....ab jo hai so hai!
Keep waiting and don't forget to keep smiling while waiting and living a 'hold' life!
Writing a letter is an art. I am serious. When I was growing up in the city of Chandigarh in India, I used to wait for my cousin's letter, for my relative's invitations through snail mail...and especially those days when my pen friends (pals) used to write to me. I lived each word of those letters, and I gave moments through each letter. Now-a-days no one write letters anymore, everyone use emails, facebook, twitter etc to keep in touch :-((
*sigh* receiving a letter, hand written letter was fun, and sending that feeling was double the fun...I still have those letters which my pals wrote to me, which my father wrote to me, which my mom sent me through snail mail...and all those greeting cards, which my brother sent me stating "I miss you" These days he sends me online greetings and emails *sigh*
I want to write letters again to 'someone' but the technology is grown so much that before my letter would reach to my "someone" we would have talked over the phone 10 times...ah!!! LOL
(watching movie "sarasvati chandra - what a movie and what a lovely song.........phool tumhe bheja hai khat mein)
ज़िन्दगी में ऐसा वक़्त भी आता है जब मन इतना उदास हो जाता है की बस इचछा होती है की अकेले बैठो और सब कुछ त्याग दो....कुछ न करो, कुछ न कहो...बस सोचो और खाली पुलाओ पकाते रहो....
I cant decide. Not that I need more commotion in my life but I do want more traffic in my life, traffic of un-knowns...why? ha ha
Okay, it has a history as well. When I used to be an actress in Delhi and when I used to go to see my family in Chandigarh via bus in the middle of the night, I used to plan my character. Let me start it properly (I am one and half beer down and need more proper ways to write) So every time I used to sit in Delhi - Chandigarh bus in the middle of the night, (buses run all day but I liked mid night bus cos I could save my whole day), I used to wear a character. It could be anything from married women to student to prostitution to a girl who eloped from her home or any random character from real life...and I used to plan my act according to that. Many a times these characters went to waste but most of the time I got the chance to speak with my follow passenger. Well, you might ask why would someone speak with you in the whole bus: obviously a 23-24 years old girl, beautiful too, alone in bus in the middle on the night...fellow passenger usually start the conversation until the end of their destination (mine used to be the last stop) and I used to speak and seek my heart out. Yes, I did used my those characters as therapy, and used to share my real life's problems with them and used to feel light. No relationship, no judgment - right? I was being truthful with my issues cos I was not going to see those people ever in my life...unlike one time (that story later) well, I did what I wanted to and now...
Now I want some new peeps in my life for the same reasons, and for same ways....so back to the topic: Should I choose twitter or wordpress? Help me unknown - known friends....
Homosexuality is not a crime anymore in India...Today is a day to celebrate. This is a good news, for many but I know many are sad or I should say offended. The simple reason behind this is the culture and the mind set which has been developed since childhood. The same way the Indian Penel Code made 377 against unnatural sexual activities. Read more here.
Anyways...today court took the homosexuality out of that bunch and now being gay is not a crime anymore...but the real work starts right here. Now we need to start working towards that typical mindset.
Hopefully this all will get improved soon...very soon. Amen!
Today history is going to get changed in India. Today high court in New Delhi is going to take decision on homosexuality petition which was filed with court years ago by Naz Foundation. Read more here.
I am hoping for the positive results from hard core judges. Though I am sure they might not believe in homosexuality, but the pressure of media and technically strong people is strong so judges hardly have any choice. The truth is harsh and hard. Well, how can the law which was made in 19th century is still suitable in 21st century? Pray for my country and its people.
Keep the faith, Hope for the best.
VJ
P.S. - Do you think you want to help me raising awareness for the issue of queer (LGBT) if so please email me here.
I don't know why I should be pissed when he tells me that we are not going to Vegas. Vegas the sin city, where we were supposed to rest and chill...and do things we enjoy doing with each other. He said he had an accident but why am I doubting it...
Well... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It's all about my over-thinking mind right now!!
I really liked this quote - "I used to believe that anything was better than nothing. Now I know that sometimes nothing is better." .
In my life I accepted many things, by choice or by force, just for the sake of "something is better than nothing" but now I know it is always not the right move. Sometimes it could be okay move because we need to put our mind off to positivity from current situations, but at times negativity is hidden under positive expression.
"Smart decisions come with complications" - its a truth. Sometimes complications are needed...Make sure to take time before you take any, I mean it ANY decision and I assure you, all decisions will make sense in long run...
So I was looking for some English = Hindi proverbs and guess what I found...This bloger has posted some very interesting Hindi Proverbs which are equal to English saying...check it out friends!!!
1) A fog cannot be dispelled by a fan . Oas ( dew drop) chaatne se pyaas nahi bhujti.
2)An empty vessel sounds much . Thotha channa baje ghana.
3)Birds of same feather flock together. Chor chor mosere bhai.
4)Do evil & look for like. Kar bura to hoy bura
5)Fool to others to himself a sage . Apne mooh miyamitthu.
6)Good mind , good find. Aap bhale to jag bhala.
7)His wits are gone a woll gathering. Uski akal charne ko gayi hai.
8)It takes two to make a quarrel. Ek haath se tali nahi bajti.
9) Barking dogs seldom bite . Jo garajte hai woh baraste nahi.
10)Avarice is root of all evils. Laalch buri balaa hai.
11)Gather thistles & expect pickles . Boye pade babool ke to aam kha se hoye.
12)Drowning man catches at straw. Doobte ko tinke ka sahara.
13)Hard nut to crack. lohe ke chane chabana.
14)As the king so are the subjects. jaisa Raja vaisi praja.
15)A honey tongue , a heart of gall. Mukh mein Ram bagal mein choori.
16)Pure gold does not fear the flame. Saanch ko aanch nahi.
17) Great cry little wool . Oochi dukaan feeke pakvaan.
18)A drop in the Ocean . Oot ( Camel ) Ke mooh mein Jeera.
19) A nine days wonder . Chaar din ki chandani fir andheri raat.
20) Crying in wilderness . Bhes ( Buffalo ) ke aage been bajaana.
21) Do good & cast in to the river. Neki kar dariya mein daal.
22) Diamonds cut diamonds. Loha lohe ko kaat ta hai.
23) A burnt child dreads the fire. Dudh ka jala chaas ko bhi fook fook kar peeta hai.
24)A figure among cyphers. Andho mein kaane raaja.
25)A little knowledge is a dangerous thing . Neem hakeem khatre jaan
26)A wolf in lamb's clothing. Mukh mein Ram bagal mein choori.
So I am weird, whats new in it. Being strange is also an art. I am funny, so I am....whats the big deal. Anyways I am over whelmed, he sent me an email...phew phew phew I cant breath..did he really wrote that email to me? Is it really my feeling reaching to him? Seriously? Damn dude...I am confused....oh! I do like him and reading his email last night made me feel just so weird and so funny, overwhelming and what not...I will miss him every Monday evening. I am not sure if he will miss me or not, but I don't want to go there and think more than I should...its gonna kill me more...
I am already KIA - Killed In Action ha ha
I told ya I am weird...many thoughts in one post...another way to document and save the memory beyond photographs.
I have been thinking about writing a new blog but I am not sure on what topic.....nope I am not feeling writers block. I think I don't have any messy complains or any thoughts which I am unable to say to my life world, so writing is not happening. Well, with life world yaad aaya ki I finished my semester and I am free from study for few months as my school have cut on summer semester due to recession (???)...not a very fun thing but its sometimes better to have extra time in hands....:-)))
Okay I am not happy with my final exam result in one of the subjects...I hate getting B or lower grades in my exams and I got B in my last exam which has pissed me off but as my roommate says "you had hard month so give yourself some space" Duh!!! I did have hard month but these all are excuses, I know it.....I could have study which I didn't, because I didn't feel like it...my bad!!!
What else? oh ya...something really interesting I did...I donated my hair to make wigs for cancer kids. Well I have been planning to do so and I did it.
In 2005, after I shaved my head for the first time I came to know that I could have donated my waist long hair to some organization...but I was unaware of the same so it all went to waste...Then I decided that next time when I will go crazy and will suddenly feel like chopping all my hair off, I will donate them to kids who needs wigs. After a little research I found this awesome organization "http://www.locksoflove.org" who take donation of hair and make wigs for children who lose their hair due to a medical condition including cancer kids who lose their hair after chemo and also who suffer from an autoimmune disorder called 'alopecia areata'...To know more about disease and donation visit their website.
I am sending my 10 inch long locks of love for those kids. If any of you ever want to chop your hair off for whatever reason, please do send them your hair donations, someone will enjoy the love of your locks...
I guess that's it for now...will keep me going if life makes me keep going :-)))
Main ek din aaunga....main waapis aaunga...(song from some Hindi movie)
"Mom, I will be back, one day. Papa, I will be back one day...I dont know when that day will come but I will be back…"
As any other NRI I also say that to my family, to my friends and to myself…I will go back to India one day, forever. When I first met Indians living in the US or out of India (Non-Resident Indians) that time I couldn't understand why and how people kept saying throughout their life and then they never go back. After living in the US for few and after not been able to go back in these few years, due to different personal, professional and financial troubles, I do understand it better than before, but still, yet not that much....
Currently I have no savings to take a risk of going to India, and/or money to buy gifts for family, friends and all, and also peaceful mindset to enjoy the vacation. I know and do agree that coming from India to the US is harder for many than going back from here to India because converting every single paisa to the USD is just too much. The trick is if one has at least 5K or if one has few hopes to back... I wish I had one out of these two....but then if I have 5K I rather buy a car than spending all that in one month of visit although that one month’s visit is worth years of emotional time...and if I had some hopes back home, I would have rather moved back...
Life always give us options, some people had to choose today, some get the chance to look into past and can see the future just to find that had made their today…whatever that is now…
Recently my next door apartment was taken over by new tenants. I saw a big guy and an old lady. She is probably 60+ and from the day first they moved, both mom and son tried to speak to me. I am not used to someone poking in my privacy, so I gave a neutral smile and avoided every time they passed by me. Well then, even when this Hispanic son excitedly told me that its first time he has actually talked to an Indian person. I raised my brows, gave hee hee kinda look and a neutral smile....well he was off my view from that day.
But, his mom was never away from my eyes. Every single time I opened my main door, she was somewhere around and she spoke to me in her funny tone and her language, Spanish. As I don't understand or speak the language, I started ignoring her. She never ignored me and always talked to me about 'something'. Luckily I never felt eve tease kinda look from them and neither I felt creepy look from her son, otherwise I would have understood her expressions well. Neither she nor her son had any creeping expression, they were just probably curious about me, or something like that.
Few days back, I saw her around my bus stop, holding a shopping cart(yeah, tell me about it) She was talking to some unknown lady. That lady looked at me and gave me smile when my neighbor stopped her talk with other lady and spoke to me about 'something'. Obviously, I didn't understand a thing but I just couldn't ignore, and finally, first time gave her smile.
From that day and until today she, my neighbor, as usual says something and I just give her a smile, a smile of assurance, a smile of understanding and a smile of recognizance. I still dont understand her at all, but she is part of my living when I open my main door, and when I pass by her...language has not stopped us from being "someone' for each other.
In the US, it is illegal to drink alcohol on streets or at open places, unless you are in an open bar or restaurant which has a certificate to serve liquor. I always thought India doesn't have a law like that, but I did come to know its not true! Indians just don't follow it and it gets okay with authorities if you can flash a bill of 50 or sometimes 100 rupees. Oh well, corruption is beyond the choice and above the reach of a common man, and always under covers of thoughts, and oh, in my little and lovely country.
The United States of America is different, or so I thought, until my today's bus ride. Oh Oh Oh patience readers, it has to be my way buddy! From the very beginning.
So today, in the evening, I was waiting at the bus stop and as usual either honking by stupid Hispanics (Sorry to be racist) or looks were kinda bothering me... luckily, came the bus. I asked driver if this bus goes towards my destination. He said yes, and I got in, paid my share of ride, put on my ipod and stood there. Next stop I got a seat, while I was about to sit, I noticed a young, good looking guy with long hair and weird glasses. He was taking out a bottle kind of thing from his plastic bag. The moment he took out a bottle, I recognized it. It was a Vodka bottle. He took a big gulp, breathed, another sip and put the bottle back in his bag. Then he took another bottle out, it was water, took few sips and put the bottle back. Right then someone from my back asked me if I was ever going to sit, ashamed me, sat down. I was still looking at him, with funny, weird and surprising expressions on my face. He looked at me and gave me a smile. I couldn't even take a smile. I looked around and felt as if no one noticed him drinking alcohol in public.
As a responsible citizen (oh well Alien) I wanted to talk to the driver regarding this and have him throw this alcoholic out of the bus....but, lekin, kintu, prantu....my culture came in front of me, giving me a sarcastic smile...I took a deep breath, smiled back at my cultural ethics and pulled the string to notify driver, it was my stop.....
Today I was waiting for bus at the bus stop. I was a little tired and a little in my own mood. A guy, well not exactly a guy but an old man came and sat right next to me on bench. I looked at him as he kept staring at me. I felt weird and the second I pushed volume button on my ipod, he started saying something. I told myself, girl listen to him because it is possible that he need help. I took my head phone out of my ears and looked at him. He said something, in Spanish. I tried to read the expression, but he had only one expression...staring at my face.
Well, I can't speak Spanish and I can hardly understand it so I told this funny looking, fat ass, bald face man that sorry I can't understand Spanish. I expected him to shut up and chill out or leave my side. He was a moron so he kept staring, and kept talking in Spanish. I obviously had one choice, give up on explaining him, which I did. I got up and stood few steps away from bench. Ina second, he came and stood next to me....I got so pissed off that I gave him sharp look while saying, "get away or I will call 911." Phew, he left my side that very second, and bus came right away too. I felt better. Got in to the bus, gave a big "vim" smile to driver....
ha ha ha Now I am thinking that driver must have thought that I liked him.
I am traveling by bus and trains these days. Reason is simple, I don't have car anymore :-( why not is a story, and I will write it one day. Anyways I have noticed that traveling in buses bring new observations, new thoughts and a calm way to meditate.
Today, I had to go somewhere so I went to bus stop, obviously to catch a bus. I checked its timing online, and reached to stop 5 minutes before its arrival time. I was listening to my ipod and was pretty lost in my own when I noticed a guy in his SUV honking at me. I looked at his face with a question in my eyes. He had nothing to tell me, nothing to ask either but it was just a eve teasing. A single girl is standing on bus stop and he is in a big car...damn why wont he bother me man? I felt pissed off. I was annoyed by waiting and looked at my cell phone. I guess bus was running late, so I went back to my music. 5 minutes more, two honks down and no sign of bus. Waited another 5 minutes, and then started walking. No point in waiting anymore. Bus was delayed by 25 minutes. I had lost my patience and walking sounded the best option.
Wind was blowing cheerfully, I let myself feel it and kept walking. Nice...but wait, what was that big thing passed by me? Shit!!! Bus went by me, without noticing me and I couldn't even do a thing. Should I wait? Keep walking? Go back to the stop or stop at next bus stop? Aggrrhh!!!! And here you go.....another honk!
Since last few years, I have realized that no matter what happens...life never stop. Well, I knew this theory from childhood, but since last couple years I realized it deeply and practically. I am happy that I know this...Here is one of the experiences:
Two days back, I was talking to my attorney over the phone about my divorce. She called me randomly, when I was bull sitting on internet. While I was on phone, I heard a ting of chat massage from my laptop...it was a message from the guy I went out couples of times. He was asking me if I was free. I suddenly lost my chain of thoughts. He asked again and told me to respond fast as he had to go offline. I wanted to say "yes" but instead I asked myself "how could you? Your emotional situation is not right, right now." I was still on the phone with my attorney about divorce and when my mind was talking to myself parallel that I noticed myself asking him, "what do you want to do?" He said, "does it matter?' I registered in my head (third thought) "it actually doesn't matter..." So to hold myself I responded "sometimes" And by now I was in two different zones, 180 degree opposite zones. He said, "do you want to come with me for dinner for Cinco de Mayo" I didn't even think twice and wrote - "Sounds fine" ...while I was still on phone with my attorney for my divorce.
I was closing one chapter, and destiny was opening new chapter for me...life was going on....and on...
This all reminds me of one quote I love -
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us - Helen Keller"
It was first night of their wedding. They were still unknown to each other. They met through the meeting their parents arranged. He seemed to be a shy guy with tendency to live on his own, in to his own world. She was a very obedient daughter of unwanted parents.
Marriage was the only way out for him; the way for keeping the crap out of his life, given by his own tradition parents. Marriage was the only way out for her to the broad world out of parents house. She had hopes, she had dreams, he had dreams and he knew how to get hopes. She needed approval of her new husband, to be the one she always wanted to be. He needed to be truthful to be the one he actually was - a man!
He came in to the bed room. She was sitting on bed, wearing her wedding dress, with anticipations and unexpected fears. Her shoulders went deep in to her chest. The rush feeling of blushing took over her, when he touched her face. While they both were looking in to each others eyes, he started the talk, 'listen I'm your husband now and you have to follow me from now on, no other person matters in your life anymore.' She looked down to her feet, blushing feeling was gone, cheeks were still red. He continued, ' Listen to what I'm telling you now, remember clearly to keep it to you and only you, get that?' She nodded yes. He said,'I have no interest in women because I am a gay, so don't expect anything from me, cause you are not gonna get it, okay? She had her eyes fixed on his face, his eyes were blood shot, wandering around. He said his last words,'I married you because my parents would have never approve this sexual orientation in me, and also I have a job where I'm supposed to work a bit low key and all. I will give you good money to do shopping or whatever each month, and in return you will take care of my parents, and my friends when they visit here, samjh gayi na?'
She wanted to say something but the talk was over before it started. She was able to see the extended tunnel, from her parents house to her husband's house to the unknown destination....and this time there was no light at the end.
This fast was kept by my mom through out her life for long lasting healthy life my father. Mummy starved herself and on top of it she wasn't allowed to drink water either, until the moon comes out and she will do some prayers for my father, touch his feet, seek his blessings and then he will give her water to drink. I saw this event over and over again, for years. I tried to be part of it when I was teenage, but then I had tons of questions to ask all the time like "why don't papa keep the fast? Why only women keep the fast? etc etc" I never got the reply to my questions but I found my answers when I grew older. With answers I noticed that traditionally every best thing was given as a gift to MEN and every chore and hardship was available to women, that too as favor.
Now who knows who made this ritual, but I know one simple thing that my father never starve for my Mom or for himself, neither any of my relative, friends or neighbors. They silently watch their wives starve for the whole day and at the end of the night they yelled at her, "where is food...if you are fasting why do I have to wait for moon to come out."
When I got married, my husband told me," I don't want you to starve for me so please don't keep the fast" My lovely traditional mom yelled at him and tried to explain the reasons for fast in her broken but cute English, but he refused to listen and looked at me as if if I keep the fast, he wont speak to me ever. I smiled back at him each time he gave me that look and it calmed both of us.
I never starved, not for him, not for myself and not even for my traditions...I still am a good Indian girl.
It was a hot summer day in the US. People were dying to take their cloths off and sit under shade or in an air conditioned room. They both were walking down the street. He was wearing nice thin cotton tee, and khaki shorts to kill the summer in his own way, she was covered in burqa from head to toe, and was wearing heavy Indian dress inside the burqa...He was looking at naked legs of women, and cleavages of all the females around him. She hardly had two inches of vision from burqa...
It was his idea to cover his wife properly, after all the men around are just too pervert...
She said I will fulfill my promise, I will live up to all the vows I took at our wedding with patience, love and acceptance.
He said I promise to take care of you and will live better than I mentioned in my vows to keep you happy, and to satisfy our love.
She took every spanking, every slap, every fist and every curse with acceptance. He gave every spank, every slap, every fist and every curse with his passion, to her, for his hearts satisfaction!
Once upon a time, there was a little girl, running around in her parents place, the place which was getting built. She was hardly 8 years old, or may be 9. She was wearing a dress, flower colors, pastels and frills...she wanted to play with sand, with bricks, with cement and with every dirty thing available there. Few laborers, who were busy working, were also busy staring at her, trying to look inside her dress...they made her play dirtiest games...with the most dirtiest things on the earth....their organ, their bodies and their perverted minds.....
Her life never turned like any other girl of the world. She was given the life, she didn't want, and now at the age of 34,that life is still with her as a shadow...
March 27, 2009 wasn't any other day this year. It was also not any other birthday either. This year, after years, my day was full of fun, freedom, love, dreams and excitement. It started while four funky girls, driving to the sin city, followed by a lovely, such a cute email from Steve, my wonderful professor of photography and then by my sweetheart brother. Steve didn't even know it was my birthday, but my brother knew it. While Steve told me that I have strong personality, energy and drive in me and how I am able to achieve my goals if I wish to, and my awesome brother ever, sent me a scanned painting made by my little boy, Gandharv, and also script of a play, which he thinks I should direct for his theater group. I was overwhelmed with these two lovely wishes, and with encouragement these wishes brought to me, but girls knows how to read the emotions and my beautiful girls screamed out loud in the car, wishing me a birthday at mid-night and those emotional blues just ran away.. It was a wishful start, many would feel envy.
Vegas was planned for my birthday by little Q. Not many were invited to join, only Syun and liz...someone else was also invited but he refused, which I don't regret et all. Just a one day trip to sin city - Vegas was more refreshing than days off. Sin city AKA Las Vegas was nothing but fun and full of craziness. I enjoyed it as much as I allowed myself to enjoy. It is possible to go wild there without judgmental thoughts, without expectations and with fcuked up mind. I am happy I gave a chance to myself for controlling the impulses, and to control the expectations. Nothing like living within self-control. Bless thy power within!
Now-a-days being overly attracted to astrology, I started checking my birthday horoscope while all girls were resting. It said that my moon and sun position is at exact same position as it was at when I was born. Was it some kind of joke? Or is my new phase of life is starting up? I don't know the truth neither I'm aware of the future, Or of tomorrow's plan made by some upper power, but I'm sure and clear that a new life has started within my life. I truly trust that my one phase of life, which was harsh on me and on my mind has ended and a new phase is taking shape. Trust thy power!
Hmmm what else happened on my birthday? I actually don't know much, but I know I was happy, cheerful, wild, sexy, refreshed, peaceful and myself this year even though I have reached to a age where I should have a career, family and materialistic things. But hey, do I really care of not being stereotype or should I say that I don't damn give a shit about anything cos I am what I made myself. Well, anyways.....I did expect this one person's email saying two words 'happy birthday' but HE didn't email, and I hoped this another person in my life will give me a personal call on my birthday, he didn't either....life still didn't stop! LOL
To bring the end to these memories, these kind thoughts to myself, I can just hope that this 2009 will concentrate on career in Social Work, love within, love for the world, giving and taking spiritual energies, and making most of the moment, healthily and happily. amen!
Birthday...is gone, emotions are stuck in my sensitive heart!
Everyone in my life thinks that I have recovered speedy way from my 5 years of past...they all praise me and give me hugs for being strong, for bringing myself out of the crappiest life to a new life where I love living my way...YES!!! I have come out of that crap, yes I am better, yes I have recovered pretty fast...but have I really recovered?
I had alcohol almost every day of my life after I left his place; I felt as if I cant sleep anymore if I wont drink alcohol...I was addicted to alcohol for more than 6 months, after I left him...
I moved my addiction of the obsession and love for my ex-husband to 'BlackBerry' & to 'facebook' to 'blogging' to 'ryzing' & to 'photography' & on top of all, I moved my addiction to fixing what is wrong in me, and how can I be better human. I moved my addiction to anything but HIM...all that helped me in reaching where I have reached, but have I really reached here healthy way....
Now its my time to get back to a life where little fun addictions work but not these big ones....where if I forget my BlackBerry at home one day, while I am out with friends, it should be fine and I am OKAY with it; where if I don't go to facebook for a day, it wont bother me at all; and also where if I don't write for few days that is normal...I want to feel un-obsessed for sometime or say until I find a addiction worth finding peace with....
I stopped drinking alcohol almost 7/8 months back; for one month I lived dry days, then I had alcohol for two weeks and then back to dry days for a month...this all continued until this year starting. I didn't even touch alcohol for three months and will be drinking on my birthday now. My body's tolerance power for alcohol has changed and I am happy about it. The addiction for HIM is pretty mellow. I don't crave to see him anymore. I don't feel like meeting him anymore...Those addictions worked their part well, and have helped me getting a life for myself...now I need a life without those addictions.
Next addiction is Blogging, I have tried to cut down on it a lot...I am still working on it.
Next addiction is going to be BlackBerry....I need to cut down my time on it...and hopefully I will be out of these addictions...slowly slowly.
More to come...more to go....this is life for me....
I am losing my concentration powers, I have no idea where my mind is now a days. I over drafted two payments, missed paying a bill, and forgot to deposit a check. It all cost me over $ 100.00. what the eff is going on with me...I thought after I am finished with submitting my application for my Masters, I will be easy going but I am going opposite way for no reason....gosh - help me...
I was just talking to my little brat - Gandharv. He asked me if I celebrated Holi this year, I said we don't celebrate Holi here in the US. When he asked the reason, I replied, because the culture here is different. He felt bad for me and stated that Americans are too strict and their culture sucks. I knew this reaction, I used to have the same reaction in my childhood about Non-Resident Indians; curious soul inside me asked the reasons behind it and found out that he doesn't like the RULES of Americans - mind it he has never visited here and all his thoughts are based on what other people tell him, and the kind of environment he is living in, the kind of environment I lived, for 20 years of my life.
While talking about the rules and its explanations, I heard him saying that if one doesn't wear a seat belt in the car while driving in the US, he/she can get a ticket. I agreed and told him that it is a good thing to wear a seat belt otherwise one can die in case of an accident. Garry said innocently right away, "If I die, why someone would care? What difference will it make in a cop’s life?"
I was speechless; I had no reply to his this innocent answer, cause I knew that the value of human life is different in my country, and the value of human life is 180 degree opposite in the US; may be this is the reason I like living in the US. My life has some value.
Friends, family, co-workers, batch mates, neighbors....all will go their own ways; one day it will happen. The time will come when we will be left alone, and the time will come when we will need to be on our own, with only ourselves. I'm happy I am not dependent on anyone right now, and I feel happier that I don't want to be dependent on anyone in future. I want to be by myself, now and forever.
I want to accept the feeling of being alone, with myself and still productive and creative. Truth of the matter is, yesterday never came, tomorrow might won't show up, all I have is today and accepting self in today is a one of the basic need for me now on - I want to live peacefully and productive while exploring the world, and while I feel free without any judgments, for self and for others!
Like many others, I see dreams: funky, funny, sweet, hidden dreams, they include moments of me living the way I choose to, the way I am acceptable within me; this satisfy some parts of my soul.
Also on the productive note: I want to make sure that when I get a contact or an introduction, I am able to use it in a right positive way.
I want to make sure that I am making use of my abilities, in a positive form, and to help others learn and achieve their dreams.
I hope to follow my path, until I meet my goals, though I am sure that with over the period of time, the path may change, the goals might take different shape, but I hope I still stay focused.
Question to self at this very moment: why am I not able to live the moment and forget the needs and issues related to it? Why am I trying to analyze myself, all the time , why do I question my life, my work and my abilities? Is it normal? Not that I am doing it insanely, but many times I need to just let go and my mind refuses to let go.
Living, somewhere it is all about control!!! When we let go of control, we tend to enjoy the moment. Wish I can let go of control, on myself, on others and to know the world more and more.
I wish I can enjoy the thought of being with someone and when I am with this person, sitting and holding him intimately, I am able to shut my fcuking mind. Sometimes I can't let go and that makes me feel freaked out, as a result I sometimes say or do things, which is not me and what is inappropriate! Damn crazy mind!
With age I am able to talk more truth, and to accept my mistakes, my negative points!!!
Thank you lord for helping me understand this madness called human being!!!
I am close to this one person for last 7-8 months, and this person asked me one fine day about a topic "if my life was perfect, it would be..." First thought, I said, "it would be crap..." and then I wrote about it...almost a page, emailed to that person...but felt like posting the same here. I know that now-a-days, I have only fix readers on my blog, but who cares. I am still enjoying and sharing writing, jo hai, jaisi bhi hai...
If my life was perfect it would look like a crap, boring life. Not that I don’t enjoy stability, or peace, but it is boring to live a life which I have never lived. Well, yes it does go in hands with those thoughts of insecurity of trying something new. I am not denying it probably would have been fun, but probably it would have been a feeling of uncomfortable, and/or a life without any truths in it. (read: I don't like lies and living on surface)
I knew from my childhood that I wasn’t born lucky enough to get whatever I fancy. I dreamed for days and days before I finally saw a glimpse of those things I wanted, forget getting those in my own hands…ha ha Its not that I was unable to get my things my ways in life, I had many chances and I did enjoyed those chances too. But I am aware of hardship and its need in my life.
Life needs some ups and downs, some fun times, and many lessons, so one can enjoy it to fullest. I am not saying that my life was full of fun because it was full of struggle; neither have I said that my life was a crap because I went through lot of shit in life. I know that the bridge I crossed with my marriage and the kind of childhood I lived has brought me where I am today; I am happy today where I have reached. I am also aware that it wasn’t necessary to walk on to the bridge, I walked on, to reach where I am today; but when one gets lost on the way, they have no other option but to choose the only way available, its simple. I did the same, as a simple human being.
If life would be perfect, maybe I would be another kind of fun person, working on the kind of things I had passion for. May be I was still living in Mumbai, as an actress, Or maybe I was still doing theater and enjoying those moments with my little family; a husband and 1 or 2 kids, but may be…may be not! May be I was a frustrated wife, or a happy wife who is upto nothing...or may be a business woman, or a usual next door woman....who knows!
On the other note, if life would be perfect, I might have changed the meaning of perfection…
If life would be perfect, it probably would have pretty mechanical; pretty same routine for each day. I didn’t choose my destination, and I didn’t choose the path either, but when I have reached here, then why don’t I live today instead of looking back and regretting what I never got. I rather not cry for those moments which were never mine, but I rather live what I have today!!!
I am sorry, I can’t stay negative for long…and crying about what I don’t have seems like a cry baby topic, especially now when I have already written a page about it…phew!!!
