Shadows of Life

"Welcome to my personal space. Please read, enjoy and don't forget to comment - Life is too short to wake up with regrets."

Thanksgiving 2008

00:26 Posted by Shadows of life

Today is the first Thanksgiving after I have started living away from HIM; it felt bad, a bit, but only for few moments. I had a fun time last night with a friend, few queries and many thoughts to share.

I woke up in the morning, with lazy feel as if its another day. It actually was, for me...or say for resistant Indian - American me. I made Kheer for my work kids, reached at work and cooked more stuff. Kids were excited, cos its thanksgiving, its the best time of the year, fun time, family time, harvest time and Holiday time; when the time came to eat, the family dinner, it wasn't even a family. Few kids ate, few slept on the floor & couch and few refused to eat, it was just a shelter for homeless kids.

A 16 year old kid was invited by his brother for dinner at his place, and he was so looking forward to it. Around 9 he came back, I asked him excitedly about his good time with family....he said that family was not even there. I was speechless, I said nothing but made him plate of dinner with turkey, yams, cranberry, kheer, pie and all we made for the special day...He ate quietly, probably hoping to have a thanksgiving dinner with his family, some day.

I was invited by a friend for dinner at her place. I took an hour off and went to see her and her grand ma. I was happy that someone, at least someone invited me for thanksgiving dinner. It was a good feeling, but I didn't even eat at her place, met her, had few words about life, gave her wine and went back to work. I missed my family and remembered that they haven't called me since long long time. I haven't called them either. I won't call this time...I want to feel that they want me, I want them to miss me, so they feel my pain at least once in life time.

Family, Friends, Love, and sharing...this is what thanksgiving is all about to me. I gave whatever was possible for me to give, and I still give whatever I am able of, but.......

Why do we refuse to give; love, care and feelings. Why don't we just understand that the person in front needs the same love and care, as you? Why? Why can’t we just live and let live? Why? Why can't we be just ourselves and stop the hate?

Right now, thinking of my work kids, I am wishing and hoping that I have a big home (house) and I have the ability to raise many kids; nicely; happily; positively and without any predictions...just living!


Few Random Thoughts...Undescribable!

17:19 Posted by Shadows of life

I don't know why, but it does happen that life, bring different questions with 'guess what' kind of answers.

The rains in LA are bringing memories to me back from the days of July 26 in Mumbai, and on top of that, the news of gun shots in Mumbai, brought another sad memories in front of my eyes from July 06. I wish I wasn't in emotional pain for the same man,I am divorcing...

I know it wasn't the choice for many, it wasn't the option even, but people still do what they have to do in life...they go to work, they go to school, they roam around and do nothing....and few take harsh work in hands, like killing others.

yes, some people do harsh things...but why do my god do harsh things...isn't its already harsh for those people to live?

The past is gone long back, why do someone has to pay for those days now?

Why do I have to get pissed at self for asking those questions, which no one can answer?

I am annoyed or say pissed, but is this the way to solve issues, if not then what is the way?

Why do feelings and love is always counted with the equality of money and with the image of oneself?

Why cant someone love somebody just the way they want to love?

What is the love anyways?

Fcuk...I'm still fighting with myself for these questions, which have no answers.

Lucky you people,who have money, who have family...who can stay safe under roofs and celebrate meaningless holidays, who can buy gifts for anyone to everyone for any occasion to no occasion...I wish, these beautiful days for many of my friends and many of real humans, who need a meal of the day and still cant earn....

Work hard, party harder!!!!

How truth is this; every hard work pays at end?

Rains Rains Rains

02:53 Posted by Shadows of life

Its raining in Hollywood, hard and in full form. I love it, I just love it. I missed rains alot in last two years. Mumbai rains gave me a habit to experience, continue rains for months. Here in US, I have hardly seen rains. Especially after seeing rains of Mumbai, any rains seems less.

I remember almost two years back, here in Hollywood, when I first felt rain drops on my body, I felt a different kind of fun, I got soaked and enjoyed those drops on my body and inside my heart. It wasn't that bad of winter time then, it was just a fun winter. Today while it is raining outside, I couldn't get wet, cos I have to stay safe, stay healthy...and winter rains can make me sick.

Right now here I am, inside my little place, holding my heart, dealing with various thoughts...just waiting for sleep to take me over. Oh sleep, come and take me away, this music of rain falling on the roof of my apartment and on top of my car outside, is just not letting me sleep.

How much I would love to sing 'rain rain go away...come here another day, but....I don't want rains to go away so I will not sing this...I want rains to stay.

Hugs my favorite weather.

I was you are too (addiction)

02:23 Posted by Shadows of life

I was tagged by Vinod. So I guess I have to write, what I am addicted to. I agree, that addiction is a bit negative word, so I would say, things I am in love with, or things I cant live without.

1.I can’t live without fighting with myself. I fight with myself, every moment, every single day. I know, it’s a need for few, but I fight with self, without any need. I have to have to discuss everything happening around me, related to me or not. I feel uncomfortable, if I don’t argue or if I don’t observe and discuss with myself. Sometimes, it can be just simple news I listen on NPR or may be a woman/man while driving, or someone who clicked the sight. I will observe a little, question within me, a little more OR sometimes, I will judge the moment with my eyes. Yes, it is close to obsession of observing and discussing.

2.Photography: I will die the day someone tells me that I am not allowed to click. I’m all about clicking. I am very reserve to share my artistic shots, I hardly discuss and show those to anyone. If, I am close to someone, I will share but mostly, they end up in my personal space…for me. I always bought a expensive cell phone, not for the showoff, but for its camera. I have to keep all memories; even if they will hurt in future…I have to keep my memories, my way.

3.Writing: If I won’t write one article or few lines each day, I feel something is missing. I am not a great writer; I am working on it and happy to accept truth my ways, for myself. I started writing when I was hardly 12, but those were my journals, my personal diaries…now I write about my world with the view of third person. Sometimes, I write from heart, from emotions, but I do write, something or other every day.

4.Chatting, communicating, talking: I live far from my close ones, and communicating with them; online or on phone. I have to give atleast an hour each day to chatting, facebook or whatever way of communication. It’s a need and thought of my day to day life.

5.Dreaming: yes, it’s a big deal…I have to dream at least half an hour before I am out of bed, so I put alarm for half an hour early than the real time. I feel decaffeinated if I won’t get my dose of dreaming half an hour every morning.

6.Blackberry: I actually don’t want to claim that I am addicted to it or I can’t live without it, but as my friends say, as peeps around me claim all the time…I am trying to agree and accept this addiction.

7.Giving: I dunno, when I started with this, but it’s a big part of my life. Giving a smile, giving a coin or giving a hand…I have to do it. This is what makes me keep the fire of charity running inside me.

That’s about my addiction…here are four people I would like to tag:

1. Sandeep
2. Gurmeet
3. Bluemist
4. Varun

Lets see....who reaches where and how.

Community crisis - is it true?

00:52 Posted by Shadows of life

I was driving when I heard this news, it moved me...I started laughing out loud and enjoyed it thoroughly too. Yes,

Cricket in India is what baseball is for Americans. Cricket does seems like baseball of America, but no, it actually is not the same. it is not even close to each other, more than one bat and one has no similarity. So the news was on KPCC part of NPR. Listen or read here. The very first cricket players from India, now will learn and play baseball in USA. Its a time to feel proud, to feel special...not because they have chosen by US but because, the limits are getting wide for both the countries, and for many people.

I was more than happy to listen to this news, and more than happy I was excited to see matching horizons between two of my worlds. It does feel good to see, my two worlds getting connected. My one world of US and India, and another world of two communities, Punjabi and Gujarati were the chosen one....

Oh well, now tell me that how true is it :)),

"where ever you go, you will find one Punjabi and one Gujarati for sure"


Blunt Shots

00:16 Posted by Shadows of life

What a day, what a day, what a day I had!!!

Well, I woke up a bit late, cursing myself for sleeping for more than 6 hours, then took long time to get ready. By the time I was out of the house, it was already 1.15, and I was planning to take few pics before I reach to my work at 3.00 P.M. I thought that going to any place like park, probably wont be fun, so I planned to go to walk of fame at Highland and Hollywood, for some blunt shots of tourists. So, there I was at Hollywood street, parked at Renaissance hotel and reached at Chinese theater at 1.30 P.M.

There were tons of people. They were taking pictures, of theater, street, hand and foot marks and star signs etc etc. That street is always full of people. When I first moved to LA, I used to love going to walk of fame, cos it reminds me of my days of India, crowded, noisy and fun time. I started shooting with black and white shots of people taking pictures and then random stuff. Suddenly I realized, it would be nice to take pictures of those people who make living out of this street, who dress up everyday and who love acting and who are not cliche.

I started taking pics of few characters, but it wasn't much of fun until, I saw a guy dressed like gypsy. I went in a corner and started taking his cool shots. Day was a bit cloudy and sun wasn't out much, so it was kind of struggle to take pictures, but I managed. He noticed me taking his pictures and told me that I am supposed to pay him, I said, " I will pay you, if you will cooperate with me" He agreed and then I took full role of black and white pics of a gypsy, making faces, doing his acts, talking to people and much more. It was fun. I gave him $20.00 and he was so happy to get money. He then talked to me in details about his career, which was surprising to me...but that in next post...

When I left parking lot, I was almost done with two roles of shooting in an hour. The hour cost me around 23.00 bucks, but I got the satisfaction of 23 thousand. I cant wait to develop these roles now, which I can do only on Monday.

I couldn't stop thinking about myself being free and how much I love to be once again, free for self, free to grow, free to live, free to decide, free....just free. Free from answering someone, and free for not feeling guilty of what I am. I loved the day, enjoyed it thoroughly....Thank you for givig me this day my lord.


Despration - Two!!!

21:39 Posted by Shadows of life

I am feeling desperate once again in life, its like a routine which is keep coming back to me every few days or sometimes in few months...aaaagggrrrrhhhh!!!!

I need to take few decisions, those which are not impressed or influenced by emotions, current situations and/or my passion. I know people always say to do what you are passionate about, but its not right way for me, well not always. I was passionate about theater, acting...I made myself a big failure...or say I had to quit. I was passionate about marriage, kids and having the family of my own...I failed badly.

I wanna do something, something which is really strong, something which is thoughts, my and what I can do, is the question...I know I am I am not that strong emotionally, right now. I want to kill this desperation inside me. I wish I can take decision, I wish I can make my life strong and happy for all the moments of ever after - made by me...:)))

The day is not far!


Some thoughts - Some memories!

00:37 Posted by Shadows of life

Every 'Sangrand' - the day of new moon in each mom used to make Suji ka halwa, a pudding made out of cream of Wheat.

I came from work at around 12 am today and suddenly felt the urge to make suji ka halwa, and I made it. Just ate a bit, rest kept in the fridge. I dunno what it is, but may be I am missing my parents and the life of India more....I do want to go but I am holding on to something here, may be a hope...or may be the past or may be...a broken relationship.

I am happy I am doing what I want to do. I am happy that I am able to set my foot on top of sad life, push the sadness down and move up to myself, by myself.
I am happy that I am making some money.
I am happy that I am alive.
I am happy that I have friends.
I am happy that I want to live even more with each day and enjoy much more within each moment....but there is something, something I am missing in my life...what is it? I dunno what it is, Or may be I do...may be I rather not accept it and live as life comes to me....

I am wishing that finally free day will be here soon...

Hugs to self!


00:20 Posted by Shadows of life

When I was in India, I used to ignore many things, stating either they are too common in my life or around my life OR they are too far to be related to. Since the day I have started living alone and understanding the different life, different culture, different country, I am exploring every thing, every chance I get. I explore on Music, Movies, Documentaries, Places and ever new clothing too. Reason probably is simple and very plain that now I am here, so better enjoy it, but at the same time, I think I am observing my life from past in India and India in general alot too. This is giving me a 3 dimension of things I did in past and things I want to do in future. I am happy to do so.

I hated driving cars by myself in India, but here I love driving, even if I am dead tired, I do drive and reach my destination safe. I guess cos it gives me a different kind of high feeling, a feeling which is hard to explain and which is just inside me, but it is a positive and emotionally strong feeling.

I enjoy US. Yes, I am claiming it for the very first time that I do enjoy US...cos it gives me freedom of doing alot in one 24 hours, though I don't enjoy it when I have to pay alot for many things related to general life.

I am sure, when HE ran away from US to India, he didn't see US the same way he see it today, cos he was taking things for granted, same way I did when I was in India...they are always available for us and we dont have to work hard for them. Here when one has to clean the house themselves, they understand the meaning of having a maid, when one has to cook all three meals, they understand the meaning of Mom's healthy food, when one has to earn hard way, they understand the value of money.

Back to HIM, he saw India in different way than he expected to see, and then when he came back he respected his country more...and this makes me happy for him.

Never mind!!! I cant stop thinking about one simple thing that why did he ran away to India..?

I came here and I found another side of life and I am happy I did. It has changed me many ways...many sides of me.



16:29 Posted by Shadows of life

I was sad and unhappy when I saw the results of Prop 8. At one point I was feeling good to see a black guy and a young blood becoming the President of United States of America. It made me hopeful, and happy for the way people are accepting the change. Then I saw the results of Prop 8, and I seriously cursed. I cursed to all those people, who call themselves religious, but who have no emotion to give happiness to others, who have no sense of equality for human rights. I was sad and felt as if choosing Barack Obama is probably not the change, may be its just...something on surface.

Well, I was sure that the percentage difference wont be much between YES and NO on prop 8, but at least in CA, the expectations were different, the hope of giving chance to people to be human, and to be equal was the need. I personally expected, that prop 8 will not pass and this law will get its right shape. I was sad to see few of my gay friends, crying and feeling hopeless. They have the right to have a family, a life, a commitment, don't they?

On another note, I guess, soon this will create another history. When discrimination and hatred will be taken away by force, by a law. My hopes are on Gavin Newsom, and his better policies for the state of California.

God Bless America!!! ha ha ha, Oh BOY!!! I can't stop laughing at myself...cos I know how many changes, politically, I have noticed in myself due to these elections. Well, change is a need and I am open to change.

I wish those rigid religious people can change themselves too for the betterment of families and happiness.

read more about prop 8 at