India - My Life within and without

सपना टूटा, और
टूटे शीशे सा
खरोंच गया आंखों को
अब आँख है
नम
पानी नहीं
आंसू भी नही
लहू है
मरे ख्वाबों का
टूटी उम्दीदों का
दबी चाहतों का...

© Vim

I read India West Newspaper today while traveling to work. it had a news about McCain Mailer, who is running for American president. Well, nothing new for that, as he is already a name in politics and a big Republican in US. What bothered me was he had sent mailer to people of Arizona for his campaign...and he used a picture of his wife with adopted daughter, the girl they adopted at Bangladesh from Mother Teresa's orphanage. He used picture of his wife with baby girl in front of Orphanage, to show the world how much he is there for OUR kind of people in this world...Well I may am wrong, but after reading something in news paper I believe in it, as news papers are my eye towards world. Now after doing a little bit of research on Google, I found it was a mailer sent by his wife Cindy, a week before he announced his campaign for awareness of abortions, pregnancy and related stuff. I don't know if he has used this adoption for his campaign or he had no intentions behind it, but it bothered me. I am form India and I see many people adopting kids from South Asia & sometimes kids get the best of life and sometimes these kids are used as either slaves or helper in the house. It makes me feel weird about adoptions.

I always wanted to adopt 2 or 3 babies so that I can have kids also and I can also help in my way to decrease the population, but these kind of incidents, including many more, makes me sad...

I wish I could give home to many more.....so they don't have to go in wrong hands.

OK, Its finalize now that getting a satisfying job is almost impossible for someone who has all her degrees from India(no matter how big they mean there) I either have to keep myself happy and satisfy or I have to take a degree in US so I can work happily and earn happily as well...

Well, I spent 3 weeks or may be more than 2 weeks and less than 3 weeks to keep both my heart and mind in one tune about I should go to school and get some professional degree ONCE AGAIN so I can learn, earn and burn myself in United States Of America...Which is a need of hour for me....(I will talk about that later)

My basic confusion was to go to full time school, in which I will miss life for 3/4 years at the age of 32 OR I should keep doing small time unsatisfactory jobs after having a nice career in India OR go back to India so I can start my career back...but that has other complication of relationships then...

I fought with myself, did some research and came to a conclusion that I want to have a professional life as I was never trained to be house wife, but a professional woman...So the research results says that I need to kill lots and tots of emotions and ambitions to get the biggest thought of life which is a better future as a professional working woman.


Now I have developed some fears, well not fear in a sense fears but as in worries but calling it worry seems a smaller word...


Yes I am worried and somewhere scared of going back to school, and may be a bit confused as well...Still...about I should or I should not join school.

First of all i was never ever a fast learner & on top of that I am never a person who learn from theories. I love learning from practical mean, its easy for me..I am fast in it.

Second, I left studies almost 10 years back. So I am not sure if I will be able to get a hang of school easily.

Third, when I cant think of starting studies in India then my going to school in US is like putting myself into the most horrifying experience.

And Of course I have some real time scary parts too:

1. Am I escaping struggles of life?

2. Will I become TYPICAL American?

3. Changing a career wont change my personality inside?

4. When will I have baby?

5. When & How will I go back to India?

6. What is wrong with me?

7. Do I think too much?

GOSH!!! what am I writing?

Well I have many fears, weirdest ones and scariest ones...guess if I knew future then it might be easy. Snehal is been laughing out loud at me and says I have the weirdest and funniest fears of going back to school...is it?

हर रोज़, हर एक की तरह,
मैं भी खो जाती हूँ
दुनिया की भीड़ में
मिल जाती हूँ ख़ुद को ही
रात के में...
अकेली, जगती, सोती, रोटी कुलबुलाती हुई सी...


© Vim

Ek raah roke mujhe
dooji kahe chal ud ja
mannu jo gar ek raah ka kehna
to tadpun main din raina
ud jaun jo aasmaan mein
to jane kaun cheel le noche


Teeji raah ka hai kehna
sirf jeena to hai tujhe jeena
haan jeena hi hai mujhe sirf jeena
to kyon na jee paun main hi khushi se
kyon noche hai mujhe hi har kona kona


Chauthi kahe ja mil ja zameen mein
dekh zameen pe kaise hai jeena
janam jo mila hai to bhog use
kar na vyarth jeevan aur yeh jeena


Aaj jo ruk gayi to nahin ja paungi kabhi...
aaj jo ud gayi to lauta na payegi koyi bhi sadi....
aaj jo jee li to mar na paungi tere waste....
aaj jo mil gayi zameen mein to kya hogi yeh zindagi hi mere wastte?



OH!!!! I am at lost and I still think I have found myself.

I think I should listen to my mind, but my heart is not willing to. My heart is giving me possible options, most of them are acceptable, but my mind is not a lier or wrong as well. I have been living confused since pretty long, now if I am making my mind and taking a step ahead, then why I find as if someone will kill me on the way...am I behaving as cowered? Or am I scared of what will happen next?

I guess I am really worried for future and what can happen next. I am scared of reactions and I am worried for my own self. Its a big decision after all...it can take 3 years of my life just like that, may be four years and may be more than that. Is it worth it? I Guess yes, cos if I look at 10 years from now, I am sure, I wont be stuck at same situation with same problem. I am sure 10 years from now I will be a better human and a better professional person than what I am now.


I hope so and I am looking forward to bright and safe future.

© Vim

Zindagi yeh kaisi zindagi
Raahon mein uljhi, khoyi zindagi
Umar se bhagti, Umar ko hi ko hi talashti yeh zindagi
Mil to gayi hai yeh zindagi
mili hai to khone ko tarasti yeh zindagi.....

Khudaya jis ke sir se udhi hai zindagi
us ke hi ehsas mein tadapdi yeh zindagi
Ab gar use mile bhi to kya
bin tere to khoyi hi rehi yeh zindagi
Zindagi hai bus zindagi
Zindagi kaisi hai yeh zindagi...

© Vim

Yesterday, at around late afternoon, I was working in my office and I got a call from my husband..."when are you going home?"
I was busy so i just said casually, "later, I am busy right now"
He said,"OK...fine"

He often ask this kind of questions, as we work close to each others office and sometimes he picks me up. Still, I should not have felt weird but I did...he sounded overly excited and as we had a bad argument a day before so I was kinda ignoring him...

I reached home at around 8.15, house was the same way I had left in the morning. I was a bit pissed as he usually reach home before me and feed cats and today my cats were screaming out of hunger. I left my Purse on a chair, went to give food to cats and He called and asked me to go downstairs. I refused. He said,"please can you?'
I finally said."why? have you bought a new car or so"
He said ,"Hmmm, may be"
I just said, whatever, OK, fine. I will be there in a minute, let me feed cats.

I reached downstairs and no one is there, some cars on the road & he was missing. I called him and asked where he was at? He said, "Can u see Silver color car pulling towards our building? I looked around and said, "Yeah.............OH NO!!!!!!!! are you serious? But by the time, Phone was dead, Car was in front of me and he opened the door and gave me keys and said, "This is your car......Happy New year, Happy Birthday, Merry Xmas........"








Rest is History.

I saw a movie last night, Maya, Directed by Digvijay Singh. This movie is based on Sexual abuse to young girls on behalf of tradition & rituals. In the movie it shows that priests, so called holy priests, have sex with the 12 year old girl when she gets her fist menstrual periods. You must be thinking, Is It True? YES IT IS...and thats what has haunted me and I am bothered. As a Human and a girl from India it bothered me, cos rape and molestation is not a right way of living and on top of it when it happens to a 10-12 years old girl, that too on behalf of making her pure after her first menstrual periods starts, it is a abuse, it is a crime and it should stop...I want help from all friends from allover, who can help, who want it to stop.

About this tradition: Later I goggled about this Tradition, Director and the Movie...and found that this tradition does exist in some rural part of South India and its still there, may be not openly but its there...WHY...Why does it exist and Who made this tradition? I cant understand how & why someone would do so? How can the person, who believes in God can do this? Doesn't it haunt their conscience and souls? Doesn't it bother them, their lives, their faith and hearts?


As a film maker. I felt irritated, as Director could have made it a better movie and this could have been helpful to those young girls, but I felt as if he just wanted to make a controversial movie and win some awards and/or money...As a Director he hasn't put his own SAYING in it more than telling a story. Director should have his own point of view, otherwise why everyone who has a good story don't become a director?

I related this movie directly to 'Water'...that movie also made me feel uncomfortable. But Director's vision made it easy to understand it and that tradition is commonly spread in all over India too.

My question to you all of you is How can we let it happen, when are WE going to stop it? if you all believe in stopping it, lets all step further and do something about it, more than signing a petition, more than just telling everyone. Let us all get together and do something about it. If you have any point towards it, please discuss and put your name and contact info, we all Can make change.


VJ

So New Year's Eve came & New year's Eve went....I didn't expected alot from the evening and may be this is why I received as much...but I am satisfied with what ever I have got...its after all another second only which make changes in our lives. A second, which change humans behavior and a second which brings out a kid, from safe womb, to struggle for air & life in this world. A second which ties two loved ones in a life time knot, a big commitment. A second only brings us happiness and a second takes our everything away...A second make changes and a second gives us chance to do something real fun...

So what is this second...its a part of time, man made time. When we want this time is still there, when we don't want its still there. We cant see God but we can see this time, running and slipping from our hands. We can see its there for us, if we know how to use it, but its never ours if we have no clue about what to do with it.

Time: A wonderful and most scariest gift, made by man...

Its January 1, 2008. New year started, new life, new day & New world...in front of my eyes...AH!!! I love beauty of this weather and laziness of the day...

Wish my all friends & Loved ones, Known, unknown readers...A wonderful 2008 and success all the way..


VJ