India - My Life within and without

AHA!!!! New year is going to be here soon...lets see how was my 2007:

Like 32 previous years of my life, this year was wonderful too...I had new experiences and new fun moments and this time I was in New Country too, which has put its own spices into my life. One whole month is still in front of me, but it feels like time is running away...faster than Air and Light, so here is my 2007...

2007- A year, which is slipping away...slowly slowly, but at the same time running away too:

A wonderful year for me and my husband, another year to grow with myself. In the earlier months of 2007 Migration to US did felt a bit weird as I was alone & US didn't felt my own, but over the months these situations helped me understand myself. I Missed India, cried for it, wrote a lot about it and now getting over the crying part, not the missing & writing part though :)

On one level, it was a great feeling to have somethings and on another level that specific thing bothered me. I matured enough inside me more than outside in last one year that sometimes I wonder if I am the same girl, who was always bubbly and funny almost every second. I had lived some gracious moments and some embarrassed ones of my life in past but in last one year all those seems more useless, I have stopped wearing makeup and styling since almost 3 years but this year I was completely out of show offs of world. Well USA has alot to do in it...Anyways, I Made new friends here. Had Adventurous time together with Snehal. I should not have but still Consumed more alcohol than any other year. I Took the chance of traveling to wonderful new places in US, Enjoyed some new cultures, different foods and unknown languages. Explored some new places around here. Adopted two cats, Sultaan and Raeyna aka chutki, the most wonderful babies one can have.I cant live with out cats anymore. As any other person, I also turned a year older, still didn't felt bad about it, I gained some 35 pounds, but still did not felt too weird out. Found some Grey hair and thought of not coloring them ever. Found love and passion for life more than ever.
finally got the chance to solve some rotten issues and some black scars of life. I Took some more new risks and new responsibilities. On other note, Am still trying new career options and new business deals.

The biggest thing was I finalized a final goal to grow old with, old goals seems impractical & most of them I have achieved somewhere. As part of my new goal, I want to open a NGO and I have taken new step towards it. It makes me relax and happy. I always wanted to make Documentaries, so I did it...I made my Documentary about Defining America, its editing is yet not done, but slow and steady is me.
I finally took legal license for the first time in my life ( I used to drive illegally in India for years)
etc etc etc etc...........

Oh gosh!!!! too much happened in 2007 and its still going on n on... Well, over all personally and professionally wonderfully satisfying 2007.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am foodie and love being one...although its bad when I go over board and I don't watch what & when I am eating...

This post is about Khari, as known in Mumbai, its salty puffs, yummy and great to have with tea coffee.

I used to live in Mumbai, all by myself and I am a lazy but great cook...every now and then I used to cook but being a lazy cook, I used to skip meals. But I loved having chai, tea Indian Style. And because I used to skip meals, chai was my only food sometimes. Slowly slowly time made me realize that only chai can be replaced with chai & some biscuits & cookies etc. I tried these options, but as I don't like sweets...so I was all sad until my wonderful neighbor introduced me to Khari and Rusk. She helped me buy Khari from a mobile ventor who used to visit our building every week. I bough half Kilogram of Khari and tried with my evening tea, OH!!! I loved it I ate half of it in one go. I started buying one kg of Khari from that vendor, and every morning tea and evening tea got replaced with chai & Khari.

I met my husband, my boy friend then, I found out that he dont like chai at all...it hurt me for couple of seconds and then I played a trick, one day when he was very hungry, I made chai for me and told him you can have khari, if not chai...he agreed. he tasted some puffs, well he also loved it. And from that time on, he dont drink chai but he dip his khari in my chai & enjoy its taste.

When I first moved to US, I was all over looking for good Indian stores, I found some. The first thing I bought was some snacks and obviously it had Big pack of Khari. I came home, mid night, I made chai and tried that khari, and it made me cry cos it didn't even tasted 1% closer in comparison to the fresh taste of Mumbai Khari. More than year has passed and I am still looking for fresh khari, for my chai & for my satisfaction.

I love Mexican food and i hate it...it makes you eat more and more....Gosh!!! I have become foodie..so bad gurl...stop eating Nachos & salsa...

Fun is when I eat Indian food I feel the same thing, so when people tell me how Indian & Mexican culture & food sounds same, I feel as if someone has allowed some Bollywood director to create a real time scene here...two bros get separated at Kumbh Mela and meets after ages...and they have same sign or pendent on their neck and all that....Boy, how funny it would be if I will find some similarities in both cultures.

Anyways I am back to my salsa & Chips, will finish this later I guess :D

OHHHH
Na bachi piyeli halaat
na bachi sharab
Jane phir bhi kyon
pite hain log har raat.

© Vim

Main bhool jaun tujhe to
zinda rehna bhi bhoolngi
gar yaad rakhun tumhe to
zindagi ko hi samjho bhoola dungi....


© Vim

Today is a Christmas eve, and alot is going on in my life at this point. last year I was pretty much depressed and sad at the end of year, this time I am at least better than that...am much satisfied in life at this point. US actually didn't treated me worse, it could have been bad and crazy. I am positive. Am I?

I use to write only Hindi Poetry and some journal, now I write everyday, not just blog but some confessions of life and some fictions...I haven't got the chance top write since 2/3 days and my body is acting weird, as if something is missing. AM I really missing somethings of life?

He is tired everyday, is it because he is over weight or because he is tired of me?

I hate spending on eating out, but I hate making fast food at home also. Why should one have to eat?

Cats don't love Him anymore, he feel sad about it...is it true that they can stop loving someone all of a sudden?

I want to go to India - but I know, I wont be able to go longer than I can think..does that bother me?

Its Xmas today.....I sent her msg, she hasnt responded yet, do you think she hates me, but why? Why would someone hate me? I have never hurt anyone, then why?

Do I really believe that I will get some gift from Santa this year? Who is my Santa, HIM? Yeah!!! I do take Him as my Santa. Should I ask him if he has gift for me or should I wait...do I really want him to spend money for my gift?

Sultaan & Chutki are hiding under futon, and am sitting on Dining table, doing some typo work....is this really a Xmas eve?

I do hate myself for not getting dressed nicely, is it sadness or is it simplicity or I am giving up?

What the heck am writing? DO I write for the sake of or for some reason?

Gosh!!!! I hate asking these questions from myself....But why?

What is Christmas?

Being a Hindu we were never introduced to Christmas, so December 25th was always a relaxed Holiday in the middle of no where. Last year I celebrated my First ever proper Xmas with Aunty Uncle and their family. Over the last year due to some personal issues things have been sour with that family. I really am missing Aunty more than any one today cos without her my Xmas this year is bland...wish!!!!


Here is ME in this Season:

I wish I had the courage to put up a tree in my house.
I wish I could Buy gifts for Family & friends for Xmas.
I wish I can make final plans for doing something on Xmas eve.
I wish I can feel I am enjoying this Xmas season.
I wish I can accept I am enjoying & I am buying gifts & I am doing things for Xmas.

Then why is this blockage?

Why am I weird about celebrating?

Why am I making fun of my self on behalf of these Notions?

Why, Cos the acceptance is the biggest thing...accepting something is important to me, to my self and to my own world.




















And we call our selves Secular.

Its December....14, 2007. A morning of my life here....


Aaj mann udaas hai....A Punjabi taxi driver's family lives in my building. A very nice guy, wonderful kid and wife, she has moved here 2 and half years back...that time her kid was 5 months old and now almost 3...she wanted to go to India for Diwali cos her Mother In Law was insisting but after seeing the prices of flights she refused and didn't planned anything. lately she always was talking about going to India, She is been eager to go back as she is from a conservative Punjabi village and have never lived out of Punjab before and for her, life in US is different & difficult. She always use to dream of going back once, happily, taking gifts for her family. she use to talk always that may be if I go back once, it will help me understanding my life and its importance here...cos I will do things I never had the chance to do before, may be I will feel better. Ya may be going back happily, showing her family new live she has gained and the new style she observed in US....and all that.......she had one dream, just to go back once, happily and relax.....

Today Morning, she called me saying she is going to India I was exited and happy for her. I said wow!!! when? She started crying.....I didn't knew what has happened...then she gained her consciousness and told me her Mother in Law passed away last night and they are leaving for India in 10 minutes....in emergency....









I also want to go to India....but am scared...am scared to go to India in emergencies...in sadness, in mood which makes me hate living away from family, from my that life.


I am sad today...aaj kafi udaas hai mann.




yun hi mann hua share karne ko.......

she - Are you religious

Me - (without a thought) yes I am religious.

She - oh! So what religion do you believe in?

Me - Hinduism

She - OK, so which temples you go regularly, which ones you want ot visit?

Me - I don't go to any temples.

She - Oh!! Why?

Me - Don't know but juts like that...I guess.

She - So do you chant, do Havana and Prayers every day Morning & Evening OR you just go on Sundays?

Me ?? (Confused) Ahh (What do these temples have to do with being religious???)

I am trying to explain now.....still confused about temples and religion combination.


Well, a small corner of my house is known as Mandir(Temple) or say God's place...as in Bhagwaan ka ghar, so when ever I need to relax I go there and sir jhuka ke I pray...some times I make just a demand and sometimes its just a look I give at those statues & pictures(my Mom told me they are God, I truly believe in it)...and then I always have felt fine there.

This is what I call my religious side. I do try to light a diya or Incense (agarbatti) every morning cos it gives me a sense of discipline everyday but no compulsion....cos I guess this is what I know religion is...from heart, from inside...not in the big temples, not at big mosques or Churches......my religion and relation to that is inside me...in my mind & heart.

Today, all of a sudden while coming to office, I felt as if I am stuck in a life, in this moment and in this country. Its not that I don't like this country or I cant find my ways out...but its just weird feeling cos am feeling stuck in a monotonous job, in one specific relationship and in a feelings of emotions of being me. So I am going through some questions and some feelings with in me, I am writing here as well.

Planning : I should join some school, so I can achieve things faster than I am getting, but what course? which college? when and how? I know its easy to get money(actually on credit cards mostly) and its a lot easier to spend here, cos you have nothing to do but shopping and drinking.

Food - Ya, its available, in every corner, almost similar price for junk or non junk...healthy will cost you if you buy from store, if you don't buy its cheapest...or make food at at home, but I hardly cook now a days. Reason - NONE

Time : I wakes up exact one and half hour before I leave my place. By the time I reach home, I am so dead and frustrated, that I don't feel like cooking or even living for one more day.

Life : Doesn't suck as much it sounds here, but may be it does...am confused on that part....and I will be confused for lifetime...hey this is what life is.

Work : OH ya, I do job, every one is happy but me that I have job. I don't earn worth my abilities, but better than nothing so I HAVE to say that wow!!! I have a job.

Home : 4 walls, some furniture, a Roof and 2 cats..I have everything....oh ya and a husband as well.

Vacation : I forgot what it is, cos I haven't taken in ages. In India we use to do a bit here and there kinds things, so those memories I have, but not the feeling of vacation.

Exploring : Those are the moments which make me feel real alive, I enjoy it and I love it. I love taking pics and sharing my happiest moments. We do it here as well, but rarely, wish we could do more.

Driving : I thought I could drive well, cos I am not scared of driving anymore...but illusions does break one day.

Laughter : Only PJ's make me laugh out loud, but isn't thats healthy?

Beauty : I don't like it anymore....am better as a chasmish, grey hair and lost dressed kinda person, why? I do have my own reasons but better not to go there.

Priorities : I do have mine, but are they perfect one?

Perfection : AH!!!!!!! Saala yeh ghatiya dimaag (this crazy mindset)

Hmmm what else is left in here, guess nothing....

I did something fun...something interesting...and all on my own. I signed up online for meet up group about Indian people in San Fernando Valley(I live around here) and I didn't ask him about I should do so or not...and I did it. I found that group is going to have a meeting soon, which is a dinner with some Indians like me around here. I posted my RSVP as 'yes' and today when I was suppose to go and meet people who belong to my culture..he was showing off all his worries and all that care etc, which basically means don't go or I will come with you...I didn't want any of that so I find my bus routes and after some efforts of stupidest home issues and all, I went to bus stop, got bus and went there(all by myself) and met these wonderful fun people who believe in the culture they have raised with and the one I belong to, who love talking about India and food and movies unlike HIM so I enjoyed it thoroughly. Some were fun people some quite and some talkative like me ;) I had blast and I wish we meet more often so I can feel at home in US...I used to be comfortable all the way in India and he wasn't worried, but here I need to make myself someone who is here now kind of person...and he is getting worried and all. I thought this way he will be fine too...but...

Thanks guys...Thanks Anu and Thanks V to take this step...it did made me relaxed and emotional.