India - My Life within and without

कहता है कौन की उन से मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही, लेकिन साथ जीने की ताकत नहीं रही

वो देखें इस जहाँ को जीस नज़र से
हमारी चाह तो रही, लेकिन बस वो नज़र नहीं रही

दुनीया के डर ने था रखा जो साथ साथ हमें
उस डर की अब डरावत नहीं रही

कहता है कौन की उनसे मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही, लेकीन संग जीने की हीमाकत नहीं रही

चाह तो बहुत की जी ले उन के संग
लेकीन संग रह के जाना की जीने की ही चाहत नहीं रही

सोचा यूं भी की, भूला के देखें ख़ुद को
लेकीन ख़ुद को भूला के फीर न वो रहे न मैं ही रही

कहता है कौन की उनसे मुहब्बत नहीं रही
मुहब्बत तो रही लेकीन उस मुहब्बत की ही फीर चाहत नहीं रही...


© Vim


On HIS birthday - 2008

Have you seen death...have you seen it coming right in front of your eyes and asking you if you want to die or not...and then if you r weak it takes you away from this beautiful world, the world you probably have not seen yet, the world which is not even your own yet...Death takes u away...and then you have no connection with this world?

I have seen death, right in front of my eyes, coming towards me and showing me that I am worth a lot for this world. I have seen death not less than 3 times. I always give 3 chances before I quit anything, and I have quit to be with the man who has brought me to the point where I saw death...I gave more than 3 chances to HIM before he showed me what death is...I saw death first time, the very first time when he was choking me to death, sitting on my chest and pressing against my throat with one hand and his knees were on my both arms so I cant move them, and his one hand was slapping me over and over again.....I saw death...I saw blackout and I saw DEATH...I gave another chance to him cos he regretted so many times for making me go through that moment...I gave him chance, second time he showed me death when he again choked me next to that metal closet in my bedroom in Mumbai and he was pushing me against it and it was next to wall and it had no room to move any more &v I had no room to move more....I saw death, I didn't blacked out that time but I saw it coming towards me and I have no clue how I stopped it, third and last time I saw death on freeway 101 while going to Brooks institute where I wanted to study and help me make my life in US with him. I saw death coming right in front of my face, when he was hitting me with his one hand and another hand was on steering wheel and he was driving 110 miles per hour....I saw death right in front of my eyes and I was weak.....I was weak but I guess death saw some strength in me and it stopped right away and HE took an exit and I got down his car at that very moment...and I never went back to his place to live, I moved out that very day and I no matter how much I tried I could not give up on him....

Then came the time when I saw a world of my own emotions, of my own hopes and my own expectations, and then I tried to give up on him. I wanted to gave up on my husband, but my emotions were kept holding me back. I talked to a close friend. I never expected that I will ever discuss this with him. He told me that I am precious and I am worth it and then I tried to cut my relations with this friend of mine. Just because he told me THE truth and it was a harsh truth and I was escaping truth........

I finally talked to myself, it took me sometime to realize that I am actually worth it and I can do it all alone by myself.

Today, I am giving up on my husband, today I am giving up on him and I am done with him. I want to finish this relationship cos I feel I am really worth living in this world and I am precious.....I want to live, with out seeing death coming on my face............I deserve to live... PERIOD.


Vim

I live with one and only one excitement now-a-days – Driving. I love driving, still I have hidden worries and scary moments related to driving and I feel worried to drive on freeways. I try to go on side streets, as much as I can and as much as I want. I went to the real other side of town by side roads which is normally known as the area which is un touchable if we don’t have freeways in Los Angeles, but I went there and I didn’t felt bad as it takes almost similar kind of time to go there through freeways and it is not that of a easy route all the time on freeways too. I have got stuck many times on freeways and I have got many a times delayed because we were on freeways.

He hit me while driving on freeways and that feeling come in my mind when I am about to go close to freeways. I drove there before with my instructor and once with him too, but I just couldn’t take it happily. First time I drove on freeway I came back home and I declared that I love driving. I want to keep driving for ever and ever, but I am driving all the time especially now a days when I go from side streets and I take some time a longer time than usual but I am happy that I am driving and I am able to be accessible to the places I want to go to. I am happy that I am not dependent on him any long and I am able to be myself when I drive.

I have been listening to the music I normally have never enjoyed, yes the hip hop and I am enjoying it so much. I come to work each day and I listen to same music online so I remember its lyrics and then I can sing while driving with the singer. It is weird but funny and exciting for me. I enjoy it. Simple reasons: it has a loud expression of simple words and loud music which keeps me going and which makes me concentrate on my driving. I listen to Hindi and Bhangra music as well. I don’t keep my windows close and listen but I enjoy listening to music when my windows are rolled down and I am driving in a proper speed and then it’s a fun time to have loud and exciting music going on…AH!!!! What a fun is driving. I wish I could just take my heart and mind away from crappiness and go on freeways and drive all over the world. Hmmm actually it will be fun to drive all over the world….exciting he he he…

Enjoy the world when you are here, and forget about it when you are not here…I meant sleep yaar!!!


:-)

So yesterday I was coming back from my flower shop job (I work on weekends in a flower shop) and I was so sleepy and sun was extra shinning and it was crazy hot. I was tired as usual, and working 7 days a week was torturing me. I don't get a single day off the work to rejuvenate myself and feel fresh, on top of that I am so stressful about my financial condition since few weeks that I am working few extra hours here and few there

Well back to story about my driving back from work. I was listening to a story and interview on NPR (National Public Radio) it was about addiction and dependency on addiction etc. I was totally into the story and I was kept thinking about his addictions and his dependency and my life and him as my addiction in my life. I was driving on regular streets with 40+ speed where I am suppose to drive at only 35 and lower. I don't know what was I thinking. I didn't go through any accident and Thank God, I didn't fall asleep behind the wheel, but this thought occur all of a sudden to me and I was scared and started loud music so I don't fall asleep and drove home safely. OH gosh!!! I could have killed someone or myself, I could have gone through worse...I don't know why was I thinking too much about addiction, why was I insanely careful too.

I was not careless at all, I was driving safe..but why am I so worried that I might will have an accident, or is it the impact of the dream I had few days back where he killed me from cliff of a mountain in Jeep? I have no idea where this scary feeling is coming up from but I am scared, not scared of driving but to drive weird w/o a thought...I am listening to Hip hop (now a days its my style of music) but it keeps me up and running and I don't pay attention to my weirdest thoughts. I need a break, a break from daily same style routine and daily life, break from sad moments of life, break from marriage and its institution, break form generally works and behaviors of life...ah..but if I wont pay my bills I will get break from everything too...Priorities girl, choose your priorities...and I have chosen one - to earn and just to earn as much as possible so I can Learn and finish my college.

God Save me....he he he directly came from God Save America!!!! I just wanted to write random thoughts and here I did...should add more later...back to work in office.

वो रोई कुलबुलाने से पहले
सोयी हुई भीतर ही भीतर
वो रोई...
मर जाने से पहले

यू लगा दुनिया को
जैसे उस में 'जान' नहीं
तो उस मरना है सही
तो उसे मारना 'मारना' न हुआ
लेकिन, कीन्तु, परन्तु

वो मार दी गई
क्योंकि जीने का उसे हक न मिला
जी पाती तो देख लेती दुनिया सारी
जीती तो चाहती माँ तुझ ही को
बनती बाप की आँख का तारा तू ही तो
जीती तो बनती किसी का प्यार
जीती तो बनती किसी की चाह
जीती तो बनती शायद डॉक्टर इंजिनियर टीचर या माँ ही तो
जीती तो शायद एक और औरत होती इस दुनिया में
जीती तो शायद अनचाही न बनती
जीती तो शायद मरी न होती

लेकिन अरमान रखे अन्दर
सपने देखे बिन ही
वो रोई उन सपनो के लिए
कुलबुलाने से पहले
अंगडाई उठाने से पहले
वो रोई..
वो रोई....
माँ के उसे मार देने से पहले


वो मार दी गई
रोने से पहले
कुलबुलाने से पहले
और जीने से पहले



© Vim