India - My Life within and without

I lost one whole year, because my country doesn't know how to process paperwork fast and this country doesn't understand the need of others....All this is called cooperative world. Now wait is over, and I am back to zero to start a new year from scratch.

VJ

Often I want to be the kind of person I am becoming, but at times, I want to be what is known as "green grass on the other side"

I am a very independent, smart and passionate person who work towards her goals every single second of her life. Then comes days like today, when I want to have babies, and a partner and a life, which is the life on the grass at other side.

I control these urges, to be precise, I suppress these emotions. I do know why, because I don't want to be dependent on anyone, any which way: emotionally, physically, financially and/or psychologically. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to lose once again. I don't want to gain something, which I will cry for, for lifetime....I am done with all that. I shouldn't be there anymore. I am not going to be there, not any more.

ah!!! Hazaaro khwaishein aisi ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...

Ranting is fun at times....

Vim

Today is Raksha Bandhan day. It’s an Indian festival of siblings (brother & Sister) Raksha Bandhan aka Rakhi literally means 'A knot of protection' The celebrations includes a prayer by sister for her brother's long and successful life, while saying the prayer she ties a thread which is called Rakhi, around her brother's wrist and in return he promises to save and protect her from all evils of the world. This is also the day to grab the biggest gift ever from older brothers hee hee or so I used to do.

I have been living away from my brother for over 15 year. I don't tie Rakhi to my brother any more, no specific reason but may be cos I have been away for long time or may be….oh well who cares for the reason. The virtual knot has always been so strong between me and veerji (my older brother) that we don't need a Rakhi to call ourselves brother and sister or to pray and protect each other. Also Didi (my older sister) is always there to tie a physical Rakhi from my side to my veerji too na :-)))

Rakhi has always been my favorite festival. When I was a little young girl, living with my parents, I always was overly excited for Raksha Bandhan, always over whelmed for this festival. I always wanted new cloths on Raksha Bandhan, no matter if it’s expensive or cheap; it just has to be new. I always bought the most beautiful Rakhi in town, the best of sweets and awesome gifts for my brother. Well, that was past, presently, in today, where I am living a hectic and crazy fun life, where I am lazy and lousy, here I seriously forget to buy the Rakhi and also forget the exact date of the festival. And on top of all of that, this year I forgot to send Rakhi to my brother and had to send it over night at very last minute. I don't always send Rakhi to my bro, but once in a while I do so. It makes me feel good. Today, I called him and talked to my family. This call is like a ritual for me, for years.

This year due to my hectic life style and emotional fun times, I forgot to buy Rakhi for myself as well. Yeah, for me...you read it right...for myself. Oh well this has a story behind it.

Years ago, I saw Mummy tying a Rakhi to her God's picture and this was repeated year after year. One fine day I asked her the reason behind it and she told me that God is the biggest protector of all who save everybody. I agreed to it. She also stated that since her brothers live far from her so it’s nice to tie a Rakhi to someone we trust and love. I took that small lesson in my life. When I moved out of my parents place for my hostel then I started tying Rakhi to the statue of Shiva which my brother gave me. Each year while tying new Rakhi to the statue, I took old one out and started tying it on my wrist. Then few years ago I started buying a new Rakhi for myself, which I tie each year on my wrist by myself. Today, I am wearing a new Rakhi on my wrist. Truthfully, I really like the idea. Now who could be the biggest protector of me than me? Who could I trust and love the most beyond myself...hai na :-)))))))
Happy Rakshi Bandhan to all Brothers and sisters.

So here how it goes. I went to Cri-Help's No Ho center (oh it has memories) and I waited...wel yeah most of the time....for those peeps to use me as volunteer and I guess either they don't need free help or they have no idea what is it means to be volunteer.


Conversation between from desk and moi:

Moi - Hey, my name is blah blah and I'm interested in volunteering with your group.

Front desk - huh? What do you want?

Moi - I want to volunteer (super slow) with your group.

Front Desk - Oh I see...ok ok. One sec...

(he does nothing, just sit and stare at me...may be he was thinking)

Front Desk - Ok, can you please wait over there (points towards couch) and I will let her (points towards a lady behind him) speak with you.

Moi - Thank you.

(I walked towards couch and sat over there. Mean while many strange faces, weird looking people walked by me...some even wished me hello and some just stared at me.)

10 minutes.....

Front Desk - Madam.... (I guess he called moi)

Moi - Yes...

(I got up and walked to the front desk)

Front Desk - Mr. Rick is going to speak with you in a while, please wait...

(OKAY....Funny....)

Moi - Thank you

(I went back to couch and started reading LA Weekly. Again, people, smiles, stares, expressions and I was lost in to that evening when I first entered inside that building...with HIM, for HIM....what a night that was, full of tears and full of hopes.)

10 minutes later...

Front Desk - Madam....

(this time I refused to get up and replied to front desk guy from couch)

Moi - Yes...

Front Desk - Mr. Rick is not around for some reason, but he is around (huh?) I mean he is not gone for the day. Do you want to wait or may be you want to leave.....?

(I went up to him and he repeated his words again.)

Moi - Here is my name and phone number, I live around the corner, please have him call me or you call me and let me know if you want me to come and meet.

(now he is confused - I guess he wasn't taught this part of expression in his training)

Front Desk - Hmmmmm

Moi - oh well, do you want me to wait?

(his face is all smiled up)

Front Desk - Yes please, I mean if you can?

Moi - How much time will it take?

Front Desk - May be 5 or 10 minutes....

Moi - Okay, I guess I can wait that long.

(I went back to couch and started writing this post. 5 minutes later a guy came by and started talking to others standing close to the couch I was sitting at. Suddenly he looked at me and in between his talks with others he introduced himself)

5 Minutes...

Man - Hi, my name is Rick.

Moi - Hi Rick, my name is blah blah...

Rick - So how can I help you?

Moi - Well, I am blah blah blah and I want to volunteer with your group. I am really interested in working with adults in recovery from substance abuse.

Rick - Oh that is nice but we have internship program but don't have any program for free volunteers....you can join the course 'substance abuse counseling' and I will help you get into our internship...

Moi - Blah blah blah...thank you!!

I left.

I was confused as their website says "WORK WITH US" but when I went there they needed no help...weird. Saala, log free ki help tak nahin le sakte...blah blah blah....

I reached home and my lovely neighbor who was trying to read something, was sitting outside her room. I asked her how she was doing and she asked the same to moi. I tried my Spanish with her and she tried her English with me. I appreciated her little kitchen garden by kept saying bonita, bonito, gracious...blah blah blah....and suddenly she got up and gave me a lovely plant with pot and pot holder for moi casa (my house) I refused many times but she was kept saying 'for tu casa...tu casa...' And I remembered how I felt when I wanted to give my free services to someone and others refused...so I took it and put it on my dining table...It actually look cute up there.

Now Moi casa is Bonita ;-)

So I crossed a red light (signal man!!!) second time in my life. Nah, didn't get any ticket yet...I am sure I wont get any either. I am sure cos though it was a big signal, but not too crowded and no cameras flashed on moi :-D I didn't get any ticket last time either and it was also a mistake to cross red signal...oh well aadmi galtiyon ka putla hai na. Err is human after all.

I didn't mean to cross it but I was again, yes AGAIN busy replying a stupid email while driving...and here I went away on red signal. The second I realized what I have done, I slowed down in the middle of the cross section and then drove by. Later, I had my eyes kinda fixed on rear view mirror to see if some cop car is coming after me...!! Thank you Lord for saving me tonight, but...yeh saale mail mein bhi bhejte hai na ticket...which I am sure I won't get :-))))

hee hee

I am not a good person, I know :-P

Chalo yeh bhi sahi.

Sometimes I tell myself that I am tired of working day and night, but then the truth is that I am workaholic; I cant live peacefully if I am not working; I cant live without working less than I am already stuck with. I enjoy working 50 to 70 hours of work each week when the "normal" people work only 40 hours a week. I can easily do 40 hours of work a week but then....I wont get as much of fun and money as much I get now :-P

Anyways, what am I gonna do if I work only 40 hours a week? Lets see....May be I can go out and party more? But...Nah!!! Been there done that...party life is just too much for me at this stage of my life....I don't enjoy drinking as much now-a-days and going for dancing with 'some' friends is not my cup of tea. I love dancing and clubbing but company matters. Oh well, I can go to gym and work on my body shape (which I cry about day and night) and take care of my health, but health is too hype of a issue now-a-days :-P hmmm I can cook healthy food but then I am lazy to go buy groceries, I think its better if my friend cook for me and I pay her for home made food...well, she cook average taste and I am getting used to of living with it..I can read more but I am reading ebooks sitting at work all the time. May be I can watch more movies...oh lord I watch one movie a day...au kya bache ki jaan loge :-P Oh yeah, I can work on my pending paintings or I can write more often...but I am a lazy soul. I can write more, paint more and work more only if I am on the work spree, but if I am off work means I have days off...I will sleep all day and it will depress the f*kng hell of me....Oh well now you know why I cant do anything else but work - simple there is nothing else to do in life but working :-P

(sitting at work and writing blogs - now you know this too what I do at work :-P)