India - My Life within and without

There was a time in my life when I was emotionally dependent on 4 things/people in my life.

1. My Female cat - Dudette
2. My Male cat - Monk
3. My Advertising Agency - Fearless
4. My Husband - HIM


Almost 2 years ago, the time came - when I chose to join my husband and his family in USA to live happily ever after for ever. I got rid of all materialistic things & all important/unimportant stuff and moved here. Sadly, I couldn't bring my cats so I had to give them away.

Monk, who was my lovely baby, went with Mish and I am happy that she actually loved and cared for him alot.

My brother wanted to keep Dudette, I took Dudette to him and my parents. Dudetteis always going to be my very first baby. She was a beautiful gift from HIM. She was always there with me when I went through severe depression and when I all alone in life.

I had to close my advertising agency, so I fixed all accounts, paid everybody got rid of all work and clients and holding HIS hand I entered in USA.

USA is a beautiful country, lovely clean place, also known as the land of opportunities and dollars. I dont know if if opportunity and dollars came into my hand, but I started missing my life in Mumbai specially my professional life at Fearless.

Fearless died first, with our (husband & I) hopes of better love and best living in US.

Then Dudette ran away from my parents house and even after everybody tried hard to find her, she was untraceable. Some one told my brother that she is dead.

With time things went upside down so much that I had to leave HIM and the relationship died. The relationship which started before anything else I mentioned above.

Today morning, I got email from Mish that few days back Monk passed away.

I lost everything. Today I am empty hand and I am back to where I started. When I met HIM, I was living alone in Mumbai, struggling to be an actress. Then came Fearless and then Dudette, followed by Monk. Today I am all alone, struggling and living a life to be the one who is real 'VJ' Life is hard today, and a bit harsh too but...

On the positive note, I would like to remember one old thought - "when every thing comes to an end, a new life starts' & 'after fall comes spring'

Even if I am all alone, all by myself and broken, I believe, this is The End of old chapter of my life and here starts my new life, a new chapter & my own search for myself.

I lived 14 years of Banwaas (exile)...now I am hoping to get atleast 28 best years of my life. I have been praying to that unknown, unseen God...hope to get blessings from friends, family and loved ones too :))) I am looking forward to that best life, which will help me come out of my 14 years of struggle and harsh days (1995 - 2008)


AMEN!!!


V

Today I was resting in HIS arms for hours, he was so sweet to me and I wanted to save and remember those moments of love and kisses with hugs and touches....AH!!! it came to an end, he cried then I did and then I cried and he did....I was nostalgic. We tried our best, as much as we could...BUT.......

After I left his place, I went home, instead of parking the car, I started driving on unknown streets, bus yun hiii......Then, I went out and ended up in a wine tasting bar, this bar was a common place to hang out for us, just a block from his place and fun time pass...drink a bit pay a bit and move on....

The host know both of us pretty well, I was happy to see old people around me..he was smiling, Soon he will be a daddy of a boy...his wife is pregnant. He is excited and happy...I could not resist telling about us when he asked me about HIM, to my surprise, he didn't asked me what and why...and straight gave me his hand and said CONGRATS, and said, 'now u will live your life'...damn!!! I was surprised and happy and sad and what not...wow!!! this is America.......This is western culture...



Vim

What provoke a woman to be herself, and to kill her husband or/and to leave her husband?

Nothing special, just the choice to be herself...


Vimmi

The day I gave up on marriage...and gave keys to his place to him...I wrote this:

आज सब बन्धन तोड़ डाले
तोड़ डाले अन्सूयों के बाँध
आज छोड़ दिया उस चाहत को
जिस चाहत से बंधी थी शादी की गाँठ...


सब छोड़ दिया छोडा जिस दिन उस का हाथ,
सब थे मेरे संग, उस के संग थी सिर्फ़ वो टूटी गांठ


© Vim

बरसात में भीगे मेरे आंसू
तुम को छू रहे हैं
छू के कह रहे हैं
कहो एक बार फीर से 'जान' मुझे
पुकारो ले के मेरे नाम से जुड़ा
तुम्हरा नाम मुझे

भीगे इन आंसुयों से जुड़ी ज़िंदगी
लगने लगी है हर दीन कुछ और कम
आंसू चले थे बस कुछ देर साथ देने को
अब वो लगने लगे है हमदम

छू लो इन आंसुयों को और कहो
फीर से एक बार
तुम ही हो यह
बस तुम ही
न है यह अन्दर का छीपा तुम्हरा गम
न है छीपा राक्षस यह
न ही कोई तड़पता बचपन...

गर यह ही है सच तो आओ,
कहो एक बार 'जान' मुझे
इन अन्सूयो को करो जुदा
इस बारिश से
रहने दो बारीश को बस बरसात
और अन्सूयो को सिर्फ हँसी मेरी


© Vim

And now blasts in Sri Lanka...why?

Who benefits from the blasts?

Who feels good after killing innocent people?

Who feels good after all this crap all over the country?

Who is it?

People say terrorists do these kind of acts...but terrorists are humans too..they also have families and hearts.

Some one told me that it is part religious to kill people cause they don't accept our religion..is that really the truth?

Well, isn't it is bias? Isn't it is one way thinking? For that god, whom no one has seen, who we believe as one power for the world, who has no face, no name and no specific side to take, killing for that god...isn't that just ridiculous? Then why do people, not any specific one, but general religious people pressure god on some one else's life? I have heard excess of anything is bad, then excess of believing in god is a bad thing too...I cant get over this thought that god can make someone kill some one else, because the person who is getting killed is not believing in one specific god...how stupid does this sound, forget applying to the life?

On the personal level I have faced excess of stress in my life and excess of giving myself to my love and the results were not good...I have no clue that the result was due to excess of love and stress or just plain co-incident or may be a combination of both. Even if it was result of excess, I never got feeling of killing somebody, hating someone or being bad to any specific one.

Any which way..why blasts? Why hurt somebody? Why kill? Why give pain to those people who don't deserve.

If someone wants to give pain, do it to those rapists who rape little girls and kill their lives, give pain to those who are called humans but hit their wives and kids and who act crazy...why give pain to some random people who are just living their lives, their dreams and their own selves.....Why?

In the end I can say only this, that I was crying for a small pain that I am going through, the pain of a broken relationship, and I found so many people sitting away from their countries, away from their families, their cultures, their own selves, who are crying to just get in touch with any one in their family or even neighbors to find out if all is well in their homes...in their lives. And then I cried, I cried out loud, without even caring that people are staring at me and I am being watched in public...but I cried for those who are dead, for those who still have to accept the truth that their families are gone and I cried for those who are killing someone innocent, someone unknown, someone random, someone somewhere...I cried for killers...and felt sorry for them because they could not think beyond a limit...may God bless their minds and they see the right path in life. May god bless them. Please god give them power to think beyond you..beyond them...beyond pain.


VJ

Isnt it is so funny that how someone looses all her powers, wit, life, emotions and what not when she goes in front of the person she loves? When she see that he is sitting online on the other side, when she notices he is so happy in his life and she is all alone and sad...

Isnt its funny to see how someone just miss the life cos she love HIM?

Oh well...I guess that what love makes you - Weak (kamzor)

I still love my love and at this point I rather not say that to him...oh well!!! what a life...ha ha ha

bus yun hi...man bhara tha to likh daala...


VJ