India - My Life within and without

सपना टूटा, और
टूटे शीशे सा
खरोंच गया आंखों को
अब आँख है
नम
पानी नहीं
आंसू भी नही
लहू है
मरे ख्वाबों का
टूटी उम्दीदों का
दबी चाहतों का...

© Vim

I read India West Newspaper today while traveling to work. it had a news about McCain Mailer, who is running for American president. Well, nothing new for that, as he is already a name in politics and a big Republican in US. What bothered me was he had sent mailer to people of Arizona for his campaign...and he used a picture of his wife with adopted daughter, the girl they adopted at Bangladesh from Mother Teresa's orphanage. He used picture of his wife with baby girl in front of Orphanage, to show the world how much he is there for OUR kind of people in this world...Well I may am wrong, but after reading something in news paper I believe in it, as news papers are my eye towards world. Now after doing a little bit of research on Google, I found it was a mailer sent by his wife Cindy, a week before he announced his campaign for awareness of abortions, pregnancy and related stuff. I don't know if he has used this adoption for his campaign or he had no intentions behind it, but it bothered me. I am form India and I see many people adopting kids from South Asia & sometimes kids get the best of life and sometimes these kids are used as either slaves or helper in the house. It makes me feel weird about adoptions.

I always wanted to adopt 2 or 3 babies so that I can have kids also and I can also help in my way to decrease the population, but these kind of incidents, including many more, makes me sad...

I wish I could give home to many more.....so they don't have to go in wrong hands.

OK, Its finalize now that getting a satisfying job is almost impossible for someone who has all her degrees from India(no matter how big they mean there) I either have to keep myself happy and satisfy or I have to take a degree in US so I can work happily and earn happily as well...

Well, I spent 3 weeks or may be more than 2 weeks and less than 3 weeks to keep both my heart and mind in one tune about I should go to school and get some professional degree ONCE AGAIN so I can learn, earn and burn myself in United States Of America...Which is a need of hour for me....(I will talk about that later)

My basic confusion was to go to full time school, in which I will miss life for 3/4 years at the age of 32 OR I should keep doing small time unsatisfactory jobs after having a nice career in India OR go back to India so I can start my career back...but that has other complication of relationships then...

I fought with myself, did some research and came to a conclusion that I want to have a professional life as I was never trained to be house wife, but a professional woman...So the research results says that I need to kill lots and tots of emotions and ambitions to get the biggest thought of life which is a better future as a professional working woman.


Now I have developed some fears, well not fear in a sense fears but as in worries but calling it worry seems a smaller word...


Yes I am worried and somewhere scared of going back to school, and may be a bit confused as well...Still...about I should or I should not join school.

First of all i was never ever a fast learner & on top of that I am never a person who learn from theories. I love learning from practical mean, its easy for me..I am fast in it.

Second, I left studies almost 10 years back. So I am not sure if I will be able to get a hang of school easily.

Third, when I cant think of starting studies in India then my going to school in US is like putting myself into the most horrifying experience.

And Of course I have some real time scary parts too:

1. Am I escaping struggles of life?

2. Will I become TYPICAL American?

3. Changing a career wont change my personality inside?

4. When will I have baby?

5. When & How will I go back to India?

6. What is wrong with me?

7. Do I think too much?

GOSH!!! what am I writing?

Well I have many fears, weirdest ones and scariest ones...guess if I knew future then it might be easy. Snehal is been laughing out loud at me and says I have the weirdest and funniest fears of going back to school...is it?

हर रोज़, हर एक की तरह,
मैं भी खो जाती हूँ
दुनिया की भीड़ में
मिल जाती हूँ ख़ुद को ही
रात के में...
अकेली, जगती, सोती, रोटी कुलबुलाती हुई सी...


© Vim