India - My Life within and without

Its December....14, 2007. A morning of my life here....


Aaj mann udaas hai....A Punjabi taxi driver's family lives in my building. A very nice guy, wonderful kid and wife, she has moved here 2 and half years back...that time her kid was 5 months old and now almost 3...she wanted to go to India for Diwali cos her Mother In Law was insisting but after seeing the prices of flights she refused and didn't planned anything. lately she always was talking about going to India, She is been eager to go back as she is from a conservative Punjabi village and have never lived out of Punjab before and for her, life in US is different & difficult. She always use to dream of going back once, happily, taking gifts for her family. she use to talk always that may be if I go back once, it will help me understanding my life and its importance here...cos I will do things I never had the chance to do before, may be I will feel better. Ya may be going back happily, showing her family new live she has gained and the new style she observed in US....and all that.......she had one dream, just to go back once, happily and relax.....

Today Morning, she called me saying she is going to India I was exited and happy for her. I said wow!!! when? She started crying.....I didn't knew what has happened...then she gained her consciousness and told me her Mother in Law passed away last night and they are leaving for India in 10 minutes....in emergency....









I also want to go to India....but am scared...am scared to go to India in emergencies...in sadness, in mood which makes me hate living away from family, from my that life.


I am sad today...aaj kafi udaas hai mann.




yun hi mann hua share karne ko.......

she - Are you religious

Me - (without a thought) yes I am religious.

She - oh! So what religion do you believe in?

Me - Hinduism

She - OK, so which temples you go regularly, which ones you want ot visit?

Me - I don't go to any temples.

She - Oh!! Why?

Me - Don't know but juts like that...I guess.

She - So do you chant, do Havana and Prayers every day Morning & Evening OR you just go on Sundays?

Me ?? (Confused) Ahh (What do these temples have to do with being religious???)

I am trying to explain now.....still confused about temples and religion combination.


Well, a small corner of my house is known as Mandir(Temple) or say God's place...as in Bhagwaan ka ghar, so when ever I need to relax I go there and sir jhuka ke I pray...some times I make just a demand and sometimes its just a look I give at those statues & pictures(my Mom told me they are God, I truly believe in it)...and then I always have felt fine there.

This is what I call my religious side. I do try to light a diya or Incense (agarbatti) every morning cos it gives me a sense of discipline everyday but no compulsion....cos I guess this is what I know religion is...from heart, from inside...not in the big temples, not at big mosques or Churches......my religion and relation to that is inside me...in my mind & heart.

Today, all of a sudden while coming to office, I felt as if I am stuck in a life, in this moment and in this country. Its not that I don't like this country or I cant find my ways out...but its just weird feeling cos am feeling stuck in a monotonous job, in one specific relationship and in a feelings of emotions of being me. So I am going through some questions and some feelings with in me, I am writing here as well.

Planning : I should join some school, so I can achieve things faster than I am getting, but what course? which college? when and how? I know its easy to get money(actually on credit cards mostly) and its a lot easier to spend here, cos you have nothing to do but shopping and drinking.

Food - Ya, its available, in every corner, almost similar price for junk or non junk...healthy will cost you if you buy from store, if you don't buy its cheapest...or make food at at home, but I hardly cook now a days. Reason - NONE

Time : I wakes up exact one and half hour before I leave my place. By the time I reach home, I am so dead and frustrated, that I don't feel like cooking or even living for one more day.

Life : Doesn't suck as much it sounds here, but may be it does...am confused on that part....and I will be confused for lifetime...hey this is what life is.

Work : OH ya, I do job, every one is happy but me that I have job. I don't earn worth my abilities, but better than nothing so I HAVE to say that wow!!! I have a job.

Home : 4 walls, some furniture, a Roof and 2 cats..I have everything....oh ya and a husband as well.

Vacation : I forgot what it is, cos I haven't taken in ages. In India we use to do a bit here and there kinds things, so those memories I have, but not the feeling of vacation.

Exploring : Those are the moments which make me feel real alive, I enjoy it and I love it. I love taking pics and sharing my happiest moments. We do it here as well, but rarely, wish we could do more.

Driving : I thought I could drive well, cos I am not scared of driving anymore...but illusions does break one day.

Laughter : Only PJ's make me laugh out loud, but isn't thats healthy?

Beauty : I don't like it anymore....am better as a chasmish, grey hair and lost dressed kinda person, why? I do have my own reasons but better not to go there.

Priorities : I do have mine, but are they perfect one?

Perfection : AH!!!!!!! Saala yeh ghatiya dimaag (this crazy mindset)

Hmmm what else is left in here, guess nothing....

I did something fun...something interesting...and all on my own. I signed up online for meet up group about Indian people in San Fernando Valley(I live around here) and I didn't ask him about I should do so or not...and I did it. I found that group is going to have a meeting soon, which is a dinner with some Indians like me around here. I posted my RSVP as 'yes' and today when I was suppose to go and meet people who belong to my culture..he was showing off all his worries and all that care etc, which basically means don't go or I will come with you...I didn't want any of that so I find my bus routes and after some efforts of stupidest home issues and all, I went to bus stop, got bus and went there(all by myself) and met these wonderful fun people who believe in the culture they have raised with and the one I belong to, who love talking about India and food and movies unlike HIM so I enjoyed it thoroughly. Some were fun people some quite and some talkative like me ;) I had blast and I wish we meet more often so I can feel at home in US...I used to be comfortable all the way in India and he wasn't worried, but here I need to make myself someone who is here now kind of person...and he is getting worried and all. I thought this way he will be fine too...but...

Thanks guys...Thanks Anu and Thanks V to take this step...it did made me relaxed and emotional.