अपने कांधों पे उठाना है मुझे,
मेरी ही सलीब को
इस शहर में,
इस आसमान के नीचे ही.
यह सलीब, न किसी ने देखी, न जानी ही
अनजानी, इस सलीब को लिए कंधो पे
कोशिश करती हूँ,
पहचानने को, ख़ुद को,
ख़ुद के अन्दर से.
निकालने को, ख़ुद को,
ख़ुद की गहराई से.
और यह सलीब है कि
धकेले जाती है
ख़ुद को ख़ुद में ही...
डोबोये जाती है
अपने ही लहू के पानियों में
लिए इस सलीब को ही
जीना है मुझे
उभरना भी है
आगे बढना भी है
लिए अपनी सलीब अपने ही कांधों पे...
Copyright © Vim
One of those poems, which are making me think alot...making me bring changes...help me fixing it friends....I have a junoon to fix it now!
अपने कांधों पे उठाना है मुझे,
22:53 Posted by Shadows of life
They say kids don't understand anything, they are just kids...but is it true? Is it true that a seven-eight year old kid is so stupid that he/she is not seeing things, happenings around him/her? I don't believe in it...NO not at all...I still remember what happened when I was a kid. I still remember many things, many views from the age when I was hardly 5 years old.
Lets take as if both the parents are fighting, I know its a weird situation when your parents are fighting and then a kid see all gone away when he/she comes in front...I am sure, it confuses the kid more than making him/her feel that parents are fine...and when a curious mind is confused then its harsh on him/her and they think all the different aspects of situation, yes more different than one can imagine. Those imaginations, those thoughts bring them not always some easy answers, but they do bring answers...who knows what the answers are...
And those unknown unseen answers are nothing more than a dangerous bomb for the kid. Kid acts upon the moment and feel isolated, lonely and sometimes, in my case, most of the time he/she end up with some escapism, some run away situation when ever he/she gets the chance....and that is bad for the society...
make a better society and better families...make a kid satisfy, talk to your kid and explain better way than hiding....Dont let any normal kid become a husband of my kind of woman....
20:18 Posted by Shadows of life
Well, I guess I am...I wrote a long email to SA, small four line email to S and called my sis, bhabhi, Maa, Papa and talked all the nostalgic emotional craps....
I talked to bhabhi about physical satisfaction and vibrations, its early morning there...ha ha ha she was just laughing out loud at me...I had fun...but hey Bhabhi, Thanks!!!! No need to say why...he he
I was so anxious today morning so after work I decided to go to a Gurudwars, which I got introduced to by a stranger lady...I went there, it was beautiful, and a clean nice Gurudwara. I read few lines from nitnam path...if you don't know what it is then forget about it...felt really peaceful...no fake peace, no showing off..old memories, harsh moments came in front of my eyes. They seems like a reel is rolling in front of me and I felt like calling someone and confessing my part...whatever that may is!!! But I know better so I didn't call....
I have been listening to this Song/Shabad "Deh shiva, bar mohe ehe...." I am nostalgic....
BTW where is this talk going? Emotional crap to emails to phone calls to vibrators to gurudwara talks...well I am nostalgic. I know its a truth that there is light at the end of every tunnel, its different that tunnel is sometimes small and sometimes never ending...just DO NOT GIVE UP ON THE WAY!!!
Hugs friends, miss you both...never ask how much!!!
13:26 Posted by Shadows of life
I have never killed anyone and I cant think of killing anyone either. I am talking about human, not the cockroaches and bugs. I have killed bugs cos they annoy me and they bring nasty feeling in me. I am thinking of killing something inside me,the dead feeling about life. This dead feeling has took me to no where and I am sure it cant take anyone anywhere, but to the darkness of life.
I want to kill that desperation in me and the frustration,which is building up inside me as am too free and finances are not at fun place. I am not sad today, I was a bit sad last night but am back to life. I just want to wake up early, go jogging/gym and start a day with oxygen filled inside me, but this lousy feeling of what to do has been killing me inside out and it has started showing me on my face...damn!!!
I am ordering myself to kill this feeling and move to better envisioned life! Life never stop and you will not get this time abck in your hand V. so move on and do what you are supposed to do.
16:16 Posted by Shadows of life
He didn't write a blog again!!! I am pissed but better not to tell him. he has interviews and life and events and OTHER commitments, I understand but then commitment is the commitment man...He write big words on commitment and then nothing on paper!! well...NO COMMENTS!!!!
I just came from my English class. It was not bad, not too much of a fun either. We were given a essay to write while sitting in class about "The worse learning experience" I was not sure which was my worse one. I tend to think only happy moments from past so I couldn't recall any moment, but I made up a story in my head, envisioned it and wrote two pages in few minutes. We were given almost 2 hours to write...I found a fun thing writing that essay - I love writing! I love it..I am not great at it yet, but I will one day! I have become better from past to now. I am yet not good at making up stories (I couldn't lie very well in my life after all) but I am sure I will be good at making up stories. Then I will finish my many stories I planned to turn in to short films...
Oh boy!!! one day a person cries that he/she has no hopes for life and he/she cant see anything in future and suddenly a small action makes him/her see the whole life in front of him/her..isn't it?
Folks!!! I am not upset that you guys don't write regularly, its totally up to you. If you want to improve then its different otherwise its whatever....jane do..at least leave a comment after you read some one's blog so we know what is your reaction and how you think about others writing...change kaise aayega if we wont know ki sahi kya hai galat kya?
Have a nice day!!! Wish nahin karna aaj mujhe?
12:04 Posted by Shadows of life
I saw "Mumbai Meri Jaan" today. Its a new Bollywood movie about Mumbai Bomb Blasts, which took place in July 2006. I was in Mumabi at that time. I was at home and was waiting for HIM to come home but he and his phone were far away from me and my networks. I was wondering on streets and waiting for HIM to come back.
In the evening, I cried like a baby when I came to know about these blasts. I prayed to God so many times for many peoples including HIM and I. Today after watching this movie I started a new painting. I am sure I will finish it in one day. Actually, I am planning to start 50,000 things at the same time and have no idea if I will ever finish them, but wants are wondering souls!!!...well I am sounding off track I know that. I am supposed to write about food wine and sex but I am skipping that topic for today and will write about it tomorrow or so.
Mumbai is in the west coast of India and its a very dirty, fast paced and fun city. It is like a Mom to those people who have moved from different part of India to Mumbai, in search of better life, money and better careers. Mumabi is crowded, but still it give space to one and all. I am nostalgic, not because I am missing Mumbai but also I think time is coming to accept the truth...(some other day about that truth) Mumbai is expensive but it pays you back many ways. It is known for its strong spirit and power. I have felt that power and lived that life... Life is the only thing which goes on and change is the only thing which never changes!
I have no idea what I started to write and where I am at...I am not going to read this and correct it, but will stay here and type. I left Mumbai, same year of bomb blasts. That disaster had a big hand in making me believe that I should try and live a life in different country. Another reasons were as big as that reason. Marriage and finances, love and happiness, sexual satisfactions and frustration, human development and resources....all are part of everyone's life. Being a normal human, I wanted all in me, with me. Three 'S' Security, Satisfaction and Self...brought me here, in US. I am happy...I am sad...I am fake...I am real. Los Angeles looks like Mumabi aka Bombay now and it has started becoming same way as it was in India for many including HIM and I. Los Angeles seems Mumabi to me and may be Mumbai will feel like Los Angeles to me one day! Amen!!
I sometimes regret leaving Mumbai and some times I am very happy to leave India. Actually running away was never my choice in life. I wanted to face real life so here i am...living and staying in US the A. I guess this is not running away and if this is then I am trying hard to go back on my tracks!
I guess I was not making sense or may be this was the most sensible I can be.
12:04 Posted by Shadows of life
Last night when we came to know about Bomb blasts in local western railway trains of Mumabi, it sounded like a stupid rumor because it was really unbelievable that in 10-12 minutes 7 blasts have happened. But yes it was true and it has destroyed the peace and movement of life for almost everyone in the city. Luckily I was at home and HE was at his office when all this disaster took place. HE was traveling by car and I was unable to contact him. All the phone lines were congested like anything. Thank God, I was online and he sent me his well being on messenger. Around 7 in the night he sent me message that am leaving office which is hardly 8/10 kms (5/6 miles) away from our home and it take 20/25 minutes on normal day and I expected that due to train bomb blasts, people must be taking road route now, so it will be crowded. But after an hour I started getting worried, his phone was also not reachable and in most of my neighbors were at home. Finally I went down stairs of my building and started looking and walking around as if I can keep my mind relax and at ease....that was the time when our security guard of building came and talked to me about how his brother is also stuck some where.
Anyway after two and half hours, HE finally reached safe and secure home. He said that traffic was at its worse. At this time incoming on phones had started and I was able to spoke to HIS parents in US and sent messages to my parents in CHD. Slowly slowly life started coming back on track but everyone was still shaken up and pretty abnormal. Our neighbor aunty and all friends who live around us were home and safe.
Around 12 in the night we bought lots of biscuits and distributed at highway to those people who were sitting in buses and taxis for hours. they were hungry and desperate to go home. We tried to drop some people to their houses and gave lifts to people who stay close to our home. Around 4.30 in the morning we went to sleep and our hearts were full of anger, madness, roughness and rage but at the same time our hearts were giving salute to people of Mumbai for their high spirit and helpful nature, for coming ahead and giving hand to others in troubles, floods or bomb blasts. I salute Mumabi, to Mumbai's spirit....
12:00 Posted by Shadows of life
100 posts down the lane and I am still struggling to understand self, still fighting back love, still telling myself that I will bounce back!!!
I am sure of all the above and happy to know and feel that I am at least happy and peaceful in life...god bless HIM...and if God have some time for me, then please bless me too!!!
18:49 Posted by Shadows of life
Where else would you go when its time to have fun during the Festival and we need Feast...well Mumbai obviously!!!
I lived in Mumbai for pretty long to call it my home land or one of my home lands. The best place to celebrate August to January is no where else but Mumabi. I have seen, enjoyed and obviously celebrated all the festivals there. From Ganpati to Diwali to Ramdaan to Modern festivals like New Year and New job Parties all...it was fun and as much as I remember it will be fun forever if I ever get the chance to celebrate a festival there.
I have lots of memories attached to Mumbai Festival time. Being in the advertising industry, Festival season is THE season to celebrate and make big bucks! I remember once it was a day before Choto Diwali and we were in Marine Lines for a meeting... That day we left early morning for meetings and didn't get the chance to come back until next day. We used to go to town by Motorcycle as its faster than cars and easier than crowded trains. That day while going to town his bike got some how messed up and it took long time for us to reach there. Our meeting got pushed back to evening and while the bike was getting fixed, we arranged new meetings. I had no preparation for coming up festival and no money in time in hand to buy the stuff. So I planned to buy the decoration stuff and some sweets after the meeting but as meetings got stretched, i got no time to buy anything. When we reached back to Andheri, we were starving...I was pissed cos I got no time to buy stuff and happy to get new work...
Finally I decided to speak up. Where he was craving some food, I was looking for shops around andheri station east to buy some thing before mid night. I finally found a small shop which was about to close and next to it was a hand cart wala with fresh pav bhaji and Anda bhurji...we both got satisfied. I prayed to god in my heart for helping me out and not letting him loose his temper.
This is a small event I just remembered with the connection of Festival, Fun, Feast and Mumbai... I have alot more real fun ones!!!!
But those later...
20:32 Posted by Shadows of life
I purposely skipped my last post just to show my dear committed friends that its easy to skip....and fun to write.. I enjoy it and well I am the one who is a bit over free...no work, no family around and then alot to do all the time...
I finally have joined a school - Yes I am going back to school. I will be associate in a year or two..depends on how many credits I get and achieve. I went to school some 13 years back...as much as I remember it was more of following the discipline and less of studies. I dont mean that I got the double masters and bachelors for free...nope I have worked hard for them specially the Masters and my professional degree. I actually enjoyed and loved those subjects so it was easy as butter..if thats right connection :P
So I guess I am off today's topic which is Humble abode - literally it means where I find my humble abode, my home.... I know why is he giving me all these topics, so I go back to India - Mumbai to be precise!
S. I am not coming back to India and I don't need to give same reasons over and over again but I can write about those in some other blogs.
My humble abode is my place in Hollywood. I love it, I decorate it, I clean it and I enjoy my precious moments here. I am a banjara - Gypsy.. I was born in one city, raised in another and then went to study to the capital of India - New Delhi. Then my profession took me to Mumbai and I loved it...I enjoyed my freedom, my style and my home there as much as I could. Being a banjaran (gypsy woman) I have traveled in most of my country and I am proud of it. After all whats the fun if I dont enjoy and see my own country and roam around in all over the world...right?
So recently, in frustration of being jobless and wasting time mode, I went to shopping with a friend to Ikea (ikea.com) and bought few things I always wanted to buy but my ex room mate oops my ex husband never liked my style so I never bought. I bought new candles, rug for floor and few more things only for home. I love Ikea stuff, its earthy and ethnic. I am from India after all - these things do attract me. I brought those things home on first day of Roza and wished myself a wonderful Ramdan and decorated my place. Now I need to take few pictures to show it to friends, but my camera is not with me so I have to wait....
After decorating the place I think I want to call this my humble abode, not because I live here and I sleep here...but I love this place, I love coming back to it..and I am lucky to have a place to come back too...
S. I think you need to work on your blogs more than just writing few words in sentence...you decide how and why...I think I gave you hint.
SA - Missed you, wish you were here to see my humble abode. Thanks for sharing your ranting ravings..it does make difference in our life. I never got any topic from you so please feel free to share and direct me to another level.
Hugs and tons of Kisses to both of you!
I am not coming back, this time you are visiting me...any one listening?