India - My Life within and without

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, running around in her parents place, the place which was getting built. She was hardly 8 years old, or may be 9. She was wearing a dress, flower colors, pastels and frills...she wanted to play with sand, with bricks, with cement and with every dirty thing available there. Few laborers, who were busy working, were also busy staring at her, trying to look inside her dress...they made her play dirtiest games...with the most dirtiest things on the earth....their organ, their bodies and their perverted minds.....

Her life never turned like any other girl of the world. She was given the life, she didn't want, and now at the age of 34,that life is still with her as a shadow...

March 27, 2009 wasn't any other day this year. It was also not any other birthday either. This year, after years, my day was full of fun, freedom, love, dreams and excitement. It started while four funky girls, driving to the sin city, followed by a lovely, such a cute email from Steve, my wonderful professor of photography and then by my sweetheart brother. Steve didn't even know it was my birthday, but my brother knew it. While Steve told me that I have strong personality, energy and drive in me and how I am able to achieve my goals if I wish to, and my awesome brother ever, sent me a scanned painting made by my little boy, Gandharv, and also script of a play, which he thinks I should direct for his theater group. I was overwhelmed with these two lovely wishes, and with encouragement these wishes brought to me, but girls knows how to read the emotions and my beautiful girls screamed out loud in the car, wishing me a birthday at mid-night and those emotional blues just ran away.. It was a wishful start, many would feel envy.


Vegas was planned for my birthday by little Q. Not many were invited to join, only Syun and liz...someone else was also invited but he refused, which I don't regret et all. Just a one day trip to sin city - Vegas was more refreshing than days off. Sin city AKA Las Vegas was nothing but fun and full of craziness. I enjoyed it as much as I allowed myself to enjoy. It is possible to go wild there without judgmental thoughts, without expectations and with fcuked up mind. I am happy I gave a chance to myself for controlling the impulses, and to control the expectations. Nothing like living within self-control. Bless thy power within!


Now-a-days being overly attracted to astrology, I started checking my birthday horoscope while all girls were resting. It said that my moon and sun position is at exact same position as it was at when I was born. Was it some kind of joke? Or is my new phase of life is starting up? I don't know the truth neither I'm aware of the future, Or of tomorrow's plan made by some upper power, but I'm sure and clear that a new life has started within my life. I truly trust that my one phase of life, which was harsh on me and on my mind has ended and a new phase is taking shape. Trust thy power!


Hmmm what else happened on my birthday? I actually don't know much, but I know I was happy, cheerful, wild, sexy, refreshed, peaceful and myself this year even though I have reached to a age where I should have a career, family and materialistic things. But hey, do I really care of not being stereotype or should I say that I don't damn give a shit about anything cos I am what I made myself. Well, anyways.....I did expect this one person's email saying two words 'happy birthday' but HE didn't email, and I hoped this another person in my life will give me a personal call on my birthday, he didn't either....life still didn't stop! LOL


To bring the end to these memories, these kind thoughts to myself, I can just hope that this 2009 will concentrate on career in Social Work, love within, love for the world, giving and taking spiritual energies, and making most of the moment, healthily and happily. amen!

Birthday...is gone, emotions are stuck in my sensitive heart!

~V

Everyone in my life thinks that I have recovered speedy way from my 5 years of past...they all praise me and give me hugs for being strong, for bringing myself out of the crappiest life to a new life where I love living my way...YES!!! I have come out of that crap, yes I am better, yes I have recovered pretty fast...but have I really recovered?

I had alcohol almost every day of my life after I left his place; I felt as if I cant sleep anymore if I wont drink alcohol...I was addicted to alcohol for more than 6 months, after I left him...

I moved my addiction of the obsession and love for my ex-husband to 'BlackBerry' & to 'facebook' to 'blogging' to 'ryzing' & to 'photography' & on top of all, I moved my addiction to fixing what is wrong in me, and how can I be better human. I moved my addiction to anything but HIM...all that helped me in reaching where I have reached, but have I really reached here healthy way....

Now its my time to get back to a life where little fun addictions work but not these big ones....where if I forget my BlackBerry at home one day, while I am out with friends, it should be fine and I am OKAY with it; where if I don't go to facebook for a day, it wont bother me at all; and also where if I don't write for few days that is normal...I want to feel un-obsessed for sometime or say until I find a addiction worth finding peace with....

I stopped drinking alcohol almost 7/8 months back; for one month I lived dry days, then I had alcohol for two weeks and then back to dry days for a month...this all continued until this year starting. I didn't even touch alcohol for three months and will be drinking on my birthday now. My body's tolerance power for alcohol has changed and I am happy about it. The addiction for HIM is pretty mellow. I don't crave to see him anymore. I don't feel like meeting him anymore...Those addictions worked their part well, and have helped me getting a life for myself...now I need a life without those addictions.

Next addiction is Blogging, I have tried to cut down on it a lot...I am still working on it.

Next addiction is going to be BlackBerry....I need to cut down my time on it...and hopefully I will be out of these addictions...slowly slowly.

More to come...more to go....this is life for me....

lage raho VJ...

I am losing my concentration powers, I have no idea where my mind is now a days. I over drafted two payments, missed paying a bill, and forgot to deposit a check. It all cost me over $ 100.00. what the eff is going on with me...I thought after I am finished with submitting my application for my Masters, I will be easy going but I am going opposite way for no reason....gosh - help me...