India - My Life within and without

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, running around in her parents place, the place which was getting built. She was hardly 8 years old, or may be 9. She was wearing a dress, flower colors, pastels and frills...she wanted to play with sand, with bricks, with cement and with every dirty thing available there. Few laborers, who were busy working, were also busy staring at her, trying to look inside her dress...they made her play dirtiest games...with the most dirtiest things on the earth....their organ, their bodies and their perverted minds.....

Her life never turned like any other girl of the world. She was given the life, she didn't want, and now at the age of 34,that life is still with her as a shadow...

March 27, 2009 wasn't any other day this year. It was also not any other birthday either. This year, after years, my day was full of fun, freedom, love, dreams and excitement. It started while four funky girls, driving to the sin city, followed by a lovely, such a cute email from Steve, my wonderful professor of photography and then by my sweetheart brother. Steve didn't even know it was my birthday, but my brother knew it. While Steve told me that I have strong personality, energy and drive in me and how I am able to achieve my goals if I wish to, and my awesome brother ever, sent me a scanned painting made by my little boy, Gandharv, and also script of a play, which he thinks I should direct for his theater group. I was overwhelmed with these two lovely wishes, and with encouragement these wishes brought to me, but girls knows how to read the emotions and my beautiful girls screamed out loud in the car, wishing me a birthday at mid-night and those emotional blues just ran away.. It was a wishful start, many would feel envy.


Vegas was planned for my birthday by little Q. Not many were invited to join, only Syun and liz...someone else was also invited but he refused, which I don't regret et all. Just a one day trip to sin city - Vegas was more refreshing than days off. Sin city AKA Las Vegas was nothing but fun and full of craziness. I enjoyed it as much as I allowed myself to enjoy. It is possible to go wild there without judgmental thoughts, without expectations and with fcuked up mind. I am happy I gave a chance to myself for controlling the impulses, and to control the expectations. Nothing like living within self-control. Bless thy power within!


Now-a-days being overly attracted to astrology, I started checking my birthday horoscope while all girls were resting. It said that my moon and sun position is at exact same position as it was at when I was born. Was it some kind of joke? Or is my new phase of life is starting up? I don't know the truth neither I'm aware of the future, Or of tomorrow's plan made by some upper power, but I'm sure and clear that a new life has started within my life. I truly trust that my one phase of life, which was harsh on me and on my mind has ended and a new phase is taking shape. Trust thy power!


Hmmm what else happened on my birthday? I actually don't know much, but I know I was happy, cheerful, wild, sexy, refreshed, peaceful and myself this year even though I have reached to a age where I should have a career, family and materialistic things. But hey, do I really care of not being stereotype or should I say that I don't damn give a shit about anything cos I am what I made myself. Well, anyways.....I did expect this one person's email saying two words 'happy birthday' but HE didn't email, and I hoped this another person in my life will give me a personal call on my birthday, he didn't either....life still didn't stop! LOL


To bring the end to these memories, these kind thoughts to myself, I can just hope that this 2009 will concentrate on career in Social Work, love within, love for the world, giving and taking spiritual energies, and making most of the moment, healthily and happily. amen!

Birthday...is gone, emotions are stuck in my sensitive heart!

~V

Everyone in my life thinks that I have recovered speedy way from my 5 years of past...they all praise me and give me hugs for being strong, for bringing myself out of the crappiest life to a new life where I love living my way...YES!!! I have come out of that crap, yes I am better, yes I have recovered pretty fast...but have I really recovered?

I had alcohol almost every day of my life after I left his place; I felt as if I cant sleep anymore if I wont drink alcohol...I was addicted to alcohol for more than 6 months, after I left him...

I moved my addiction of the obsession and love for my ex-husband to 'BlackBerry' & to 'facebook' to 'blogging' to 'ryzing' & to 'photography' & on top of all, I moved my addiction to fixing what is wrong in me, and how can I be better human. I moved my addiction to anything but HIM...all that helped me in reaching where I have reached, but have I really reached here healthy way....

Now its my time to get back to a life where little fun addictions work but not these big ones....where if I forget my BlackBerry at home one day, while I am out with friends, it should be fine and I am OKAY with it; where if I don't go to facebook for a day, it wont bother me at all; and also where if I don't write for few days that is normal...I want to feel un-obsessed for sometime or say until I find a addiction worth finding peace with....

I stopped drinking alcohol almost 7/8 months back; for one month I lived dry days, then I had alcohol for two weeks and then back to dry days for a month...this all continued until this year starting. I didn't even touch alcohol for three months and will be drinking on my birthday now. My body's tolerance power for alcohol has changed and I am happy about it. The addiction for HIM is pretty mellow. I don't crave to see him anymore. I don't feel like meeting him anymore...Those addictions worked their part well, and have helped me getting a life for myself...now I need a life without those addictions.

Next addiction is Blogging, I have tried to cut down on it a lot...I am still working on it.

Next addiction is going to be BlackBerry....I need to cut down my time on it...and hopefully I will be out of these addictions...slowly slowly.

More to come...more to go....this is life for me....

lage raho VJ...

I am losing my concentration powers, I have no idea where my mind is now a days. I over drafted two payments, missed paying a bill, and forgot to deposit a check. It all cost me over $ 100.00. what the eff is going on with me...I thought after I am finished with submitting my application for my Masters, I will be easy going but I am going opposite way for no reason....gosh - help me...

I was just talking to my little brat - Gandharv. He asked me if I celebrated Holi this year, I said we don't celebrate Holi here in the US. When he asked the reason, I replied, because the culture here is different. He felt bad for me and stated that Americans are too strict and their culture sucks. I knew this reaction, I used to have the same reaction in my childhood about Non-Resident Indians; curious soul inside me asked the reasons behind it and found out that he doesn't like the RULES of Americans - mind it he has never visited here and all his thoughts are based on what other people tell him, and the kind of environment he is living in, the kind of environment I lived, for 20 years of my life.

While talking about the rules and its explanations, I heard him saying that if one doesn't wear a seat belt in the car while driving in the US, he/she can get a ticket. I agreed and told him that it is a good thing to wear a seat belt otherwise one can die in case of an accident. Garry said innocently right away, "If I die, why someone would care? What difference will it make in a cop’s life?"

I was speechless; I had no reply to his this innocent answer, cause I knew that the value of human life is different in my country, and the value of human life is 180 degree opposite in the US; may be this is the reason I like living in the US. My life has some value.

~V

Few more thoughts from the funky head of V...

• Friends, family, co-workers, batch mates, neighbors....all will go their own ways; one day it will happen. The time will come when we will be left alone, and the time will come when we will need to be on our own, with only ourselves. I'm happy I am not dependent on anyone right now, and I feel happier that I don't want to be dependent on anyone in future. I want to be by myself, now and forever.
• I want to accept the feeling of being alone, with myself and still productive and creative. Truth of the matter is, yesterday never came, tomorrow might won't show up, all I have is today and accepting self in today is a one of the basic need for me now on - I want to live peacefully and productive while exploring the world, and while I feel free without any judgments, for self and for others!
• Like many others, I see dreams: funky, funny, sweet, hidden dreams, they include moments of me living the way I choose to, the way I am acceptable within me; this satisfy some parts of my soul.
• Also on the productive note: I want to make sure that when I get a contact or an introduction, I am able to use it in a right positive way.
• I want to make sure that I am making use of my abilities, in a positive form, and to help others learn and achieve their dreams.
• I hope to follow my path, until I meet my goals, though I am sure that with over the period of time, the path may change, the goals might take different shape, but I hope I still stay focused.
• Question to self at this very moment: why am I not able to live the moment and forget the needs and issues related to it? Why am I trying to analyze myself, all the time , why do I question my life, my work and my abilities? Is it normal? Not that I am doing it insanely, but many times I need to just let go and my mind refuses to let go.
• Living, somewhere it is all about control!!! When we let go of control, we tend to enjoy the moment. Wish I can let go of control, on myself, on others and to know the world more and more.
• I wish I can enjoy the thought of being with someone and when I am with this person, sitting and holding him intimately, I am able to shut my fcuking mind. Sometimes I can't let go and that makes me feel freaked out, as a result I sometimes say or do things, which is not me and what is inappropriate! Damn crazy mind!

With age I am able to talk more truth, and to accept my mistakes, my negative points!!!

Thank you lord for helping me understand this madness called human being!!!

~V

I am close to this one person for last 7-8 months, and this person asked me one fine day about a topic "if my life was perfect, it would be..." First thought, I said, "it would be crap..." and then I wrote about it...almost a page, emailed to that person...but felt like posting the same here. I know that now-a-days, I have only fix readers on my blog, but who cares. I am still enjoying and sharing writing, jo hai, jaisi bhi hai...

If my life was perfect it would look like a crap, boring life. Not that I don’t enjoy stability, or peace, but it is boring to live a life which I have never lived. Well, yes it does go in hands with those thoughts of insecurity of trying something new. I am not denying it probably would have been fun, but probably it would have been a feeling of uncomfortable, and/or a life without any truths in it. (read: I don't like lies and living on surface)

I knew from my childhood that I wasn’t born lucky enough to get whatever I fancy. I dreamed for days and days before I finally saw a glimpse of those things I wanted, forget getting those in my own hands…ha ha Its not that I was unable to get my things my ways in life, I had many chances and I did enjoyed those chances too. But I am aware of hardship and its need in my life.

Life needs some ups and downs, some fun times, and many lessons, so one can enjoy it to fullest. I am not saying that my life was full of fun because it was full of struggle; neither have I said that my life was a crap because I went through lot of shit in life. I know that the bridge I crossed with my marriage and the kind of childhood I lived has brought me where I am today; I am happy today where I have reached. I am also aware that it wasn’t necessary to walk on to the bridge, I walked on, to reach where I am today; but when one gets lost on the way, they have no other option but to choose the only way available, its simple. I did the same, as a simple human being.

If life would be perfect, maybe I would be another kind of fun person, working on the kind of things I had passion for. May be I was still living in Mumbai, as an actress, Or maybe I was still doing theater and enjoying those moments with my little family; a husband and 1 or 2 kids, but may be…may be not! May be I was a frustrated wife, or a happy wife who is upto nothing...or may be a business woman, or a usual next door woman....who knows!

On the other note, if life would be perfect, I might have changed the meaning of perfection…

If life would be perfect, it probably would have pretty mechanical; pretty same routine for each day. I didn’t choose my destination, and I didn’t choose the path either, but when I have reached here, then why don’t I live today instead of looking back and regretting what I never got. I rather not cry for those moments which were never mine, but I rather live what I have today!!!

I am sorry, I can’t stay negative for long…and crying about what I don’t have seems like a cry baby topic, especially now when I have already written a page about it…phew!!!

Last thought: what is perfect life?

...They suck! I'm serious, dude; they do suck, probably not all relationships, but those which we shape due to our convenience, our need and mostly those which we make due to loneliness.

I have lived in many relationships in past and I am in many relationships right now: I'm a sister, which I love being to my brother, but it’s a bit hard with my sister; one side relationship is not my cup of tea. I'm a daughter, I just love being one, my parents adore me, and my father is proud of my existence; my Mom can stand straight with pride when she calls out my name. I am a good sister-in-law to my brother’s wife, and bad influence to my sister’s husband. Well I'm an awful bua AKA aunt too, to Gandharv AKA Garry, my brother’s son. He loves me like anything, I do too and now-a-days, he is just dying to see me; recently he told me, "Bua, don't bring any gifts, not even PS3, but please come to see me, I want to go play with you" damn, I felt like crying. See, they suck at this point too, when they makes you weak! For Karishma AKA Reemu and Divas, I'm just another aunt in life....who will meet them, love them, and give them their gifts and period.

Not that I chose the relationships to be this way, but many things are never in my hands. Reemu used to be the Noor (diamond) of my eye, but from the day I left Chandigarh, she is not just my baby anymore!!! See, didn't I tell ya, Relationships sucks!!! Divas never got attached to me, as I never was there for him. He knows me a Massi, who brings gifts and a smile to his Mom’s face…that’s about it.

On another level, the worse part of being in any relationship which sucks is being married. Whatever happens in any marriage is not one person’s fault, it never was, it could be 90% on one side and 10% on the other, but it’s on both partners’ hands to keep the marriage going. Whatever dude, it sucked....period

Sometimes for a girl, having a boyfriend can suck up your mind. A boyfriend comes with his own baggage. It is a hard job to handle your own baggage, and then also your boyfriends’ baggage, phew!! Relationship is a baggage on its own. It is really harsh on the mindset of a free human to get tied in a relationship; didn’t I tell ya, relationships sucks. Relationships, especially of a boyfriend, sucks the most; particularly in a typical Indian environment, where you are not allowed to have a boyfriend or say where looking at opposite sex means you are either a slut or you doesn't know how to behave in public. This thought is changing, I am positive that it is, but then why can’t anyone is allowed to live a peaceful life?

Well…back to relationships: I am convinced that relationships suck: they try to keep you bordered; they try to put pressure on you of being someone else, who you don’t want to be. Relationships make you want more from other person; they make you expect; they makes you feel the need of others in your life. Relationships makes you feel comfortable to the extend, that you feel the need to be with someone and end up losing your own goals; they makes you dream of unknown, unwanted destinations; relationships makes you emotionally dependent, and disable to think for your goals, they make you feel sucked up…in whole – relationships ties you down and you ask for more than you can handle. I rather don’t get stuck in ANY relationship from now on….

I am trying to find ways so I don’t get stuck in relationships, when I have my goals in front of me, and I am trying not to suck at those relationships, which I already carry on to my shoulders. I want to be a good aunt to my nephews and niece, I want to be a good daughter; though I behave like a grandmother more than a daughter to my family now-a-days, but whatever, I am a daughter as per relationship chart. I want to be a good sister and sister-in-law to my siblings and their life partners, even if I don’t appreciate someone’s behaviors, I am serious; I want to be a good at these relationships, while I have already chose not to get stuck in any other relationships, anymore. I do want to be a good friend to all those lovely friends I have, and a good mentor to my sweet and charming kids. I am sure, I can carry this much responsibility. I hope I am liable for at least this much in life.

Okay, I am not just nostalgic or overwhelmed right now, but I am realizing once again that I always was a banjaran, a gypsy, and I will be the one forever. I was fascinated with gypsies, when I was a kid and I used to dress like them. I have lived like them; free and lost in my own life. I want to live like a gypsy, it is there inside me, and it will stay inside me, now and forever.

After the kind of relationships I have lived with, I don’t find myself stable for carrying relationships, so I am slowly going back to the gypsy living: I want to travel free; I want to work hard, I want to give whatever is mine; I want to take what I fancy; I want to enjoy THE life; I want to be the punk; I want to be THE free; I want to be the one who has no strings attached to her life, but parents and I want to fly high in life, on life. I hope I can carry this on my shoulders without any guilt, without any sadness inside.

Nostalgic gypsy ~V~

P.S. I am getting surer about inking a tattoo on my body, but about that later….ciao.

March 1, 2009
The birthday month