India - My Life within and without

...They suck! I'm serious, dude; they do suck, probably not all relationships, but those which we shape due to our convenience, our need and mostly those which we make due to loneliness.

I have lived in many relationships in past and I am in many relationships right now: I'm a sister, which I love being to my brother, but it’s a bit hard with my sister; one side relationship is not my cup of tea. I'm a daughter, I just love being one, my parents adore me, and my father is proud of my existence; my Mom can stand straight with pride when she calls out my name. I am a good sister-in-law to my brother’s wife, and bad influence to my sister’s husband. Well I'm an awful bua AKA aunt too, to Gandharv AKA Garry, my brother’s son. He loves me like anything, I do too and now-a-days, he is just dying to see me; recently he told me, "Bua, don't bring any gifts, not even PS3, but please come to see me, I want to go play with you" damn, I felt like crying. See, they suck at this point too, when they makes you weak! For Karishma AKA Reemu and Divas, I'm just another aunt in life....who will meet them, love them, and give them their gifts and period.

Not that I chose the relationships to be this way, but many things are never in my hands. Reemu used to be the Noor (diamond) of my eye, but from the day I left Chandigarh, she is not just my baby anymore!!! See, didn't I tell ya, Relationships sucks!!! Divas never got attached to me, as I never was there for him. He knows me a Massi, who brings gifts and a smile to his Mom’s face…that’s about it.

On another level, the worse part of being in any relationship which sucks is being married. Whatever happens in any marriage is not one person’s fault, it never was, it could be 90% on one side and 10% on the other, but it’s on both partners’ hands to keep the marriage going. Whatever dude, it sucked....period

Sometimes for a girl, having a boyfriend can suck up your mind. A boyfriend comes with his own baggage. It is a hard job to handle your own baggage, and then also your boyfriends’ baggage, phew!! Relationship is a baggage on its own. It is really harsh on the mindset of a free human to get tied in a relationship; didn’t I tell ya, relationships sucks. Relationships, especially of a boyfriend, sucks the most; particularly in a typical Indian environment, where you are not allowed to have a boyfriend or say where looking at opposite sex means you are either a slut or you doesn't know how to behave in public. This thought is changing, I am positive that it is, but then why can’t anyone is allowed to live a peaceful life?

Well…back to relationships: I am convinced that relationships suck: they try to keep you bordered; they try to put pressure on you of being someone else, who you don’t want to be. Relationships make you want more from other person; they make you expect; they makes you feel the need of others in your life. Relationships makes you feel comfortable to the extend, that you feel the need to be with someone and end up losing your own goals; they makes you dream of unknown, unwanted destinations; relationships makes you emotionally dependent, and disable to think for your goals, they make you feel sucked up…in whole – relationships ties you down and you ask for more than you can handle. I rather don’t get stuck in ANY relationship from now on….

I am trying to find ways so I don’t get stuck in relationships, when I have my goals in front of me, and I am trying not to suck at those relationships, which I already carry on to my shoulders. I want to be a good aunt to my nephews and niece, I want to be a good daughter; though I behave like a grandmother more than a daughter to my family now-a-days, but whatever, I am a daughter as per relationship chart. I want to be a good sister and sister-in-law to my siblings and their life partners, even if I don’t appreciate someone’s behaviors, I am serious; I want to be a good at these relationships, while I have already chose not to get stuck in any other relationships, anymore. I do want to be a good friend to all those lovely friends I have, and a good mentor to my sweet and charming kids. I am sure, I can carry this much responsibility. I hope I am liable for at least this much in life.

Okay, I am not just nostalgic or overwhelmed right now, but I am realizing once again that I always was a banjaran, a gypsy, and I will be the one forever. I was fascinated with gypsies, when I was a kid and I used to dress like them. I have lived like them; free and lost in my own life. I want to live like a gypsy, it is there inside me, and it will stay inside me, now and forever.

After the kind of relationships I have lived with, I don’t find myself stable for carrying relationships, so I am slowly going back to the gypsy living: I want to travel free; I want to work hard, I want to give whatever is mine; I want to take what I fancy; I want to enjoy THE life; I want to be the punk; I want to be THE free; I want to be the one who has no strings attached to her life, but parents and I want to fly high in life, on life. I hope I can carry this on my shoulders without any guilt, without any sadness inside.

Nostalgic gypsy ~V~

P.S. I am getting surer about inking a tattoo on my body, but about that later….ciao.

March 1, 2009
The birthday month