India - My Life within and without

What if I fail...

What if I loose...

What if I can never see,

Mummy, Papa,

Didi, Veerji...

and a hope,

a dream...

to touch sky

to be in the stardom...

to be myself…

What if I had taken THAT step?


I was 13 or 14 years old when I gave my final exams of 10th grade. The competition of getting an A grade (70+ percentage out of 100) and being the number one in class was so big, that I started losing hope of reaching to any point in life. At home, I was kept reminded every now and then that I have to get good marks in 10th grade, if I want to get admission in good school and better courses. I was scared like anything, no one was there to tell me," it’s ok Vim, you will pass, just work hard" Or "it’s alright if you fail this year, life is not going to end" I was all alone...I had two crazy months to live before I get the results in my hands.

I couldn’t enjoy those vocations and those days off as the pressure was there inside me, the pressure, which was really heavy on head. My teenage mind felt rejected and planned to live in one corner of my parent’s living room's tiles until the result day. I chose the corner in living room, closer to my room. I also fixed my blanket there, and stared at TV from there, when someone else was watching it. I made sure I don’t enjoy the facilities, as I might have to die soon and then I will miss all those facilities of living. I slept there most of the days and until Papa was home; every day he looked at me and just laughed; Mummy made faces on my actions; Didi and Veerji made fun of me...no one asked me why I was doing this.

I told my little journal, sitting in that corner, "Dear journal, I know I am not great in studies, and I know I want to be a doctor and I know I will become a doctor one day dear journal, but if I fail my 10th exams, I will commit suicide...I will not live a day longer." Journal said nothing, neither my siblings...nor my parents. I lived a month of my life in that little corner, uncomfortably. I got used to staying there, doing nothing, thinking negative and then positive and then back to zero…and documenting whatever I could.

I still remember, that day when my results were out and some uncle was supposed to bring it home. I was holding a candy, refusing to eat, and waiting in my corner for the results and in my head, I was planning to suicide, if I fail. Truthfully, somewhere in my heart I was pretty sure that I will pass, but I wasn’t sure how much percentage I will achieve. The percentage matters in the world of competition, the emotion of a teen makes no sense to the world...

I passed with 70 percent out of 100, which is considered as an A in India. I was not relieved to hear the news, I was shattered…because I didn’t trust myself then, and trusted all those doubtful eyes on me…I have no idea if I can remember the rest of the days but I do remember that I got admission in pretty good school in medical after that, and I refused to go to medical, just because everyone else wanted me to. I am happy I chose textile designing and oil painting course over Medical, because today I feel content to connect to human mind and emotions than their bodies and diseases.

Damn, these trainings from LAYN!!!…They bring back my childhood in front of me….Thank you LAYN - for these trainings, thank you for bringing back the strength and memories of old self within me - over and over again!


Vim...