Its been so long I wrote here, maybe because somewhere I don't need this space to hide myself behind the walls or maybe because I feel free to share my opinion in the world. Whatever the reason maybe, I do feel free and happy, and I have my lord and my friends and family to thank for...
Yesterday I went to the Buddhist temple, where I have been before but this time around the experience was way too different. I was able to connect spirituality and myself in a different manner. The tour guide in one of her conversations about Buddhism stated that lotus is known to be a very important flower in Buddhist religion because it starts it journey as a bud in the muddy dirty water, walks all the way in the dirty water and when reaches to the top opens up to be a beautiful flower. She further stated that its our past what makes us who we are because what we choose, what we desire and the directions we walk on makes difference in our presence...I was so happy and calm hearing this. Where I have reached today is somehow reflection of my past though one could reach here without all the hardship I faced. I am proud of myself and can never let myself put down the way it has happened in the past.
A proud survivor!
P.S. - Today is Feb 19, wrote this post after over a year!
A: What do you think brought you out of domestic violent effected life?
V: "I love living" these three words gave me a new life with each day...and I got stronger just to live each day, just to experience more life with everyday!
I blanked out twice. We were working continuously on similar stuff, similar issues...and I lost it. Discussing and learning those issues I care for is not boring because what I love, I can never get bored of...hai ki nahin?
And about Kansas, we didnt see a thing. We were inside one building, the same building we entered and where we left from. We did leave for couple of hours for a fund raiser and enjoyed South American and Central American dances...wish I can dance...ahem!!
it was a great moment when J said, "lets all talk a little slow since we all have an accent" I was like"shitttt" but then I thought again and found it wasn't me only who came with an accent, every single woman over there had an accent...and I felt so light! No one judged me for having a different accent, no one looked low on to me for being Indian...I was proud to be my self, for the very first time in years!
Over the time of three days, I enjoyed the company of strong and empowered women, and lived moments of being self. How hard it is to be my own self in this world no too hard but believe me it is at times...but every one gave me the chance and I was able to be the same way for others....lucky.....I guess!!!
They said it is going to be cold in Kansas but I wasted my bag space cos it was nice weather...especially the last day. WE did found a way to enjoy even if it was next to a cemetery... Hey, those people are already dead...stop judging me, I am not judging you so why would you do so?
Anyways, the best part was the training. Not even a single women judged me for being a divorcee, for being a female, for being an Indian and for being the one who have said "enough" once and for all in her life...
How lucky are you to be at the places like the one I was at?
I am a gypsy. I think I was born this way but it was hard for me to accept. I use to run away from the thought of being a gypsy in my own way of gypsism cos my culture doesn't support it but I do want to...I want to be the one....travel, live and enjoy..fcuk this acchole world!!
I was waiting for Obama's speech for last week and half about war status and bringing American troops back to the America. Finally today wait ended and I listened to Obama on NPR. He used chosen words very carefully while explaining his reasons and explanations for his actions. I was impressed with his speech and I had few questions, which NPR's discussions did clear. And I suddenly found myself deep down interested in politics.
My developing interest in politics is a bit weird to myself as I hardly had any interest in politics unless I needed to discuss it with someone. Last year during President's election time I enjoyed Obama's HOPE campaign and when Obama took the position of America's President, I watched his every move very closely followed by his actions and speeches throughout the year. Not that I was interested in politics, but I am very attracted to what Obama is made of and how he has handled messed up situations. I guess that is known as politics. His 'hope' campaign was awesome, it helped him win over Bush, but I wanted to see results, so I am watching him carefully.
My background is from the country which is in development. America is more of a progressive country even after its history has less depth than India. In my country (read: India), I hardly saw any politicians giving explanations and clarity for their actions. Indian politicians speech was more of those kind of speech where they kind of ordered that they have taken some random steps and 'janta' (countrymen) is supposed to accept without questioning it. And sometimes there were speeches, which followed by the response of throwing chairs and violent acts in parliament house of New Delhi. I have seen some of these actions live on national TV. I wont say Indian politicians are just bosses to countrymen but its pretty close to the relationship between jailer and the victim. All that had obviously made me sad and over the years I lost interest in Indian politics.
I don't have deep interest in American politics but it does attract me more than Indian politics. May be because politicians try to stay crystal clear to the citizen's of America...or may Americans demand more clarity from them or may be its just that I am developing interest in politics. I don't know the truth but I guess in India, as a citizen, I was not given enough human rights to be myself and here in the US as a permanent resident I am given more freedom and rights, its up to me now if I choose to use those rights or not...or may be the truth is still hidden.
Any which way I still think Indians have more depth in their life and culture than America. America, defiantly needs to learn much more from cultural countries such as India, Pakistan, Mexico etc etc.
Talking of Pakistan reminds me one thing which impressed me a lot in Obama's speech is that he showed his interest in Pakistan's safety and Afghanistan's growth, and also that he wasn't all about America America, America and just America...what a relief!!!
Here is the speech...listen and don't forget to leave comments!
I am not a big fan of TV. I never was, dunno why but never got hooked to it. I do watch TV occasionally with my kids. It is fun to see what kind of shows are common and getting good TRP now-a-days. I remember when I was working for TV in India, rating or TRP used to be the biggest god for TV artists...
Like today I saw Jerry Springer show...man!!! what a show. I think I would never like to watch that show but my girls loved watching it and enjoy every bit of drama from it. oh well, they are teenage kids, they love drama :-)))
After Jerry's show a new show started, its called Steve Wilkos Show. I, unaware of today's TV style, thought it would be some crappy show as most of the shows are...but guess what? It was not a crappy show but it was a weird show; it talked a lot about what I like to work on...it spoke somewhere my own language but in a way which is not very fun to watch. It dealt with people who are going through abuse and who doesn't know how to be out of it, and Steve, the host of the show, helped them find a way out. I appreciated his work. I liked the way he was dealing with victims; I liked the way he was so calm and quiet but made victims realized that they are wrong and how...He is a good man, I assume but again a TV artist who surely care about target rating point.
I had some issue with the show - it is called over exposure and wrong usage of reality. Basically, he and producers of the show used the real life drama and brought in front of camera...then they got some real deals on advertisements and here you go the TV show is ready to sell. Who wouldn't like to watch lifetime drama, some advice, free audience - the whole package is ready...life is all about how beautiful one can display their shiiit...
Oh well, isn't everything on TV is all about showoff, drama, crappiness and so called reality??? Movies are much better way to talk about reality without becoming a judge of any side.
Hypocrite moi would still love to work for TV shows over feature films...or would love to book some commercials for some TV show and make some hot commission...oh well, aren't we all hypocrite? I actually would never work for game shows, Talk shows or reality TV any more...its not my kind of TV though its TRP is really high...well human we beings just love drama...!!!
Now I am wondering what kind of shows Indian TV is showing? I am sure they are also mostly either talk show or reality TV style...anyone wanna inform moi?
This song is very close to me. It is one of the most inspirational songs I have ever heard...I love this song more than anything at times. It has truth, it has power and it has voice of Kailash Kher...He has put life in these words.
Hope you all enjoy this song too, and if you do, leave your marks.
When I was little school girl, I was taught that Hitler was the best ruler; he was the best leader on earth. I, leader by nature, always wanted to become like him so I can lead everyone in my business and in my life, well pretty much!
When I first met my ex-husband, who was a politics major in college, we use to discuss Indian and American politics often. I was weak in politics but I knew Indian politics more than him and he knew world politics more than me, which made discussions more fun and knowledgeable. Once during those discussions Adolf Hitler's name came in, I told him that I always wanted to be like him. He had disgust looks and weird expression on his face. He asked me that I am not a violent person at all then why am I attracted to Hitler's characteristics. I told him what I was taught, he was ashamed of my education :-( after knowing the truth, I was too.
Sadly, he and his education was right and soon I found out I was taught many things wrong especially about world history. I dunno if today the education level is changed in India or not but I do know that I never ever want to be even H of Hitler forget becoming a leader like him.
After I moved to the US and met with those real people who, themselves or their families, had gone through Hitler's Holocaust, I realized how bad the Education system is in my country...I confess that I didn't do a thing to change it but I did talk to my little nephews about it and tried to tell them about Hitler's real face and about 'real' history...not sure how much they understood but I hope they dream unlike me and my generation about leadership.
I remember once my ex-husband went to a book store to buy his favorite marble comics and came back with 9th grade history book. The more he read, the more I became aware of what I was taught right and what not. oh well...with the age I did learn a lot and I am not done learning.
Today while watching Valkyrie, all those days came as a picture in front of my mind's eye and I thought of writing this blog. If we have even few of Col. Stauffenbergs in our various countries, this world will become a peaceful place for humans. And all I can do is pray for my both countries as well as rest of the world.
And that reminds me of Beenish's one post...do read and comment on her these two posts about Anne Frank - Part one and Part two....
It was a beautiful morning. Unexpectedly, I slept well at night. I woke up, got dressed and left as usual - just few minutes later than my normal schedule, and I was happy, seriously. I thought I will stop by at 7/11 and pick some donuts for my teenage girls and my co-worker. I did pick up few donuts, came back to my car and the Asian guy next to my car told me that I had a flat. I didn't understand him and asked him that what he meant. He showed me my right front tire, which was flat. Jesus Christ!!!
I once again called AAA, gave details and waited outside my car, right after I informed my co-worker that I was going to be late. AAA guy came, took off the flat tire and changed it with spare tire. I looked at spare tire and asked why was spare a weird looking, thin and baby tire? He looked at me as if I am a weirdo and said,"because it is a spare?" I still didn't get it. After all this was my life's first flat tire which I was handling all by myself. I clearly told him that I didn't know what that means and asked him if he can please explain. He was better with his looks this time and explained that spare is a temporary tire and it is small in size because it is not permanent tire (I got it dude and whats next???) Next he explained that I can't drive over 50 miles/hour with spare, and if I drive on freeway I might get a ticket.
I was standing in weird shock when he left. I didn't know what to do. I knew only one way to work and that was freeway, not that I was unable to find a street way out but hello...taking streets to 10 miles away job...are you kidding me? Jeez...well, I thought of taking the risk and drove on freeway while I made sure I don't go over 55 miles/hour. I was irritated while driving on freeway as I drive 80+ miles per hour on freeways. Today being Sunday the freeway was empty and I had to resist my urge to drive 'normal' speed. Oh well, I was once afraid of driving on freeways, remember anyone?
I finally reached to work and the first shift went well. I called my second job and told them that I was going to be late, and went to pepboys. The guy from Pepboys checked my car and its tires. He clearly told me that I needed two new tires for the front. I tried to argue and he clearly said, either fix it today or keep driving on spare until you are not safe anymore...so I gave my car for fixing. They changed two old tires to two new tires and oil was changed...and I paid a big price for it...well, safety matters!
Later, I found out the spare tire is known as donut for some reason. I smiled thinking that I wanted to buy donuts and I got donut...oh well, co-incident I guess :-)
Today I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows. Well, its not India that we can just walk in any corner of any random street and get a beauty salon, where someone is always ready to thread eyebrows. Here in the US, we have to go far away for a typical beauty job, that too after scheduling especially for specific job even if it is eyebrow threading.....:-)) This is the another point I will write about one day...its called cheap labor.
Anyways, today when I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows, I noticed a silver kinda line in between. I got confused and thought it probably was a fuzz or something...but, lekin, kintu prantu it was a white (gray) hair shinning with the light coming out of window. Funny, I could have never imagined a silver hair strand from my own eyebrows haa haa I do have few silver shining hair on my scalp, but eyebrows...come on.....
I bought a new journal yesterday. Oh well, yeah once AGAIN!!!
And this time the design of this journal is damn kewl. It has colorful birds on it woven in embroidery. In fact the full cover page is hand embroidered. It is made in India :-) I am carrying a big smile with the feel of its origin. I know for sure that what I paid for it at borders were probably not even imaginable for those who made it in India. I paid $16.95 before 9.25% taxes. The person who made it might sold dozen copies for the same price, but then I am not going to fight, argue, and/or crib about it.
The USA is promoting Indian rural culture and crafts and that is good enough for me. I do care about the issue but I don't want to be one of hundreds who are already fighting for it. I rather buy and encourage others to buy this kind of stuff, so they never go out of work. I often buy these kind of things and give them as gift. Its my way of working for Indian arts and crafts.
So, any which way....I bought this journal and the first thing I decided not to have HIS name any where around my this journal. I wrote two stories same day and one short film idea. After I finished all this while sitting at Borders.
I went to work at around 3 after buying and writing my new journal. Around 5 I started to feel restless and anxious to use this journal. Oh I did use it. I started writing a question and then replied to it. The style took its shape and I have asked myself over 20 questions already. Few questions I knew, few I created and many I took randomly from my life.
Two of these questions were those questions, which I was scared to face, but I did it. I read them few times and now I feel a little less relaxed in facing them. See, my journal is already worth the money - paisa vasaool!!! (Do I hear some clarifications?)
So today is Tuesday, September 08, 2009. September 8 means two days before, I would have celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary. And today is also the date for my court hearing, and hopefully final court hearing, for divorce, for dissolution of the same marriage. I'm not sad any more. I'm a little intimidate by HIS presence. It worries me a little but I'm standing strong, ready to sign those papers, so I feel free from this legal knot. I'm free, happy and satisfied with life at this moment of my life. And today, again, hopefully, I will get this legal knot taken off my life and it will set me free. Freedom, is the one and only thing, I won't compromise for or with. I want it all, and I will keep it all.
This blog, this ranting space, gave me much more than I could have asked for. I dunno who were the readers, but who ever read me and my rantings, and whoever took this almost two years of journey with me, knows I'm same person but with different attitude. Thank you Lord, thank you P, and the most thanks to S, my attorney. You were always there for me and I can't be more thankful. I might am short of words but I'm overwhelmed with my loved ones presence in my life.
:-)))) all love and all smiles for you all.....hugs.
Need to write, but have no time. I feel that its easy tweeting and checking others blogs on blackberry, but writing my own post is a bit big deal for me...oh well!!
So here is the update for self and all...I am drained of working. I have been working double and at times, triple shifts. Did I hear why? Oh come on, I need money and I need to run away from so many emotional issues...;-) hee hee well its true somewhere...
The real truth is I know today I have these days in my hands to work and I have physical power to take two three shifts so I rather work as much as I can, who have seen tomorrow? And also, I need to visit India and need some extra cash in hand...simple!!
I know legally I shouldn't be working at one job more than 8 hours a day or may be 10 hours max, but I am on three different jobs and this is why I can do it :-) seriously not that I want to do it all the time, but positively if I see my options they are limited. Working with limited options is always been my specialty.
Today, I had to promise myself not to take more than one shift a day for at least a week, why? Simply because my body has started giving up and it needs rest. I need so many days, when I don't have to get up for something, for not to be there for others, for just sit in bed and spend all day or all night chatting with friends, writing and above all,let myself be...Also for coming up court date, I need peaceful mind so I can think without stress. Over all...I need a break!!! And for that I have to promise myself so I take care of myself.
Often I want to be the kind of person I am becoming, but at times, I want to be what is known as "green grass on the other side"
I am a very independent, smart and passionate person who work towards her goals every single second of her life. Then comes days like today, when I want to have babies, and a partner and a life, which is the life on the grass at other side.
I control these urges, to be precise, I suppress these emotions. I do know why, because I don't want to be dependent on anyone, any which way: emotionally, physically, financially and/or psychologically. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to lose once again. I don't want to gain something, which I will cry for, for lifetime....I am done with all that. I shouldn't be there anymore. I am not going to be there, not any more.
ah!!! Hazaaro khwaishein aisi ki har khwaish pe dam nikle...
Today is Raksha Bandhan day. It’s an Indian festival of siblings (brother & Sister) Raksha Bandhan aka Rakhi literally means 'A knot of protection' The celebrations includes a prayer by sister for her brother's long and successful life, while saying the prayer she ties a thread which is called Rakhi, around her brother's wrist and in return he promises to save and protect her from all evils of the world. This is also the day to grab the biggest gift ever from older brothers hee hee or so I used to do.
I have been living away from my brother for over 15 year. I don't tie Rakhi to my brother any more, no specific reason but may be cos I have been away for long time or may be….oh well who cares for the reason. The virtual knot has always been so strong between me and veerji (my older brother) that we don't need a Rakhi to call ourselves brother and sister or to pray and protect each other. Also Didi (my older sister) is always there to tie a physical Rakhi from my side to my veerji too na :-)))
Rakhi has always been my favorite festival. When I was a little young girl, living with my parents, I always was overly excited for Raksha Bandhan, always over whelmed for this festival. I always wanted new cloths on Raksha Bandhan, no matter if it’s expensive or cheap; it just has to be new. I always bought the most beautiful Rakhi in town, the best of sweets and awesome gifts for my brother. Well, that was past, presently, in today, where I am living a hectic and crazy fun life, where I am lazy and lousy, here I seriously forget to buy the Rakhi and also forget the exact date of the festival. And on top of all of that, this year I forgot to send Rakhi to my brother and had to send it over night at very last minute. I don't always send Rakhi to my bro, but once in a while I do so. It makes me feel good. Today, I called him and talked to my family. This call is like a ritual for me, for years.
This year due to my hectic life style and emotional fun times, I forgot to buy Rakhi for myself as well. Yeah, for me...you read it right...for myself. Oh well this has a story behind it.
Years ago, I saw Mummy tying a Rakhi to her God's picture and this was repeated year after year. One fine day I asked her the reason behind it and she told me that God is the biggest protector of all who save everybody. I agreed to it. She also stated that since her brothers live far from her so it’s nice to tie a Rakhi to someone we trust and love. I took that small lesson in my life. When I moved out of my parents place for my hostel then I started tying Rakhi to the statue of Shiva which my brother gave me. Each year while tying new Rakhi to the statue, I took old one out and started tying it on my wrist. Then few years ago I started buying a new Rakhi for myself, which I tie each year on my wrist by myself. Today, I am wearing a new Rakhi on my wrist. Truthfully, I really like the idea. Now who could be the biggest protector of me than me? Who could I trust and love the most beyond myself...hai na :-))))))) Happy Rakshi Bandhan to all Brothers and sisters.
So here how it goes. I went to Cri-Help's No Ho center (oh it has memories) and I waited...wel yeah most of the time....for those peeps to use me as volunteer and I guess either they don't need free help or they have no idea what is it means to be volunteer.
Conversation between from desk and moi:
Moi - Hey, my name is blah blah and I'm interested in volunteering with your group.
Front desk - huh? What do you want?
Moi - I want to volunteer (super slow) with your group.
Front Desk - Oh I see...ok ok. One sec...
(he does nothing, just sit and stare at me...may be he was thinking)
Front Desk - Ok, can you please wait over there (points towards couch) and I will let her (points towards a lady behind him) speak with you.
Moi - Thank you.
(I walked towards couch and sat over there. Mean while many strange faces, weird looking people walked by me...some even wished me hello and some just stared at me.)
10 minutes.....
Front Desk - Madam.... (I guess he called moi)
Moi - Yes...
(I got up and walked to the front desk)
Front Desk - Mr. Rick is going to speak with you in a while, please wait...
(OKAY....Funny....)
Moi - Thank you
(I went back to couch and started reading LA Weekly. Again, people, smiles, stares, expressions and I was lost in to that evening when I first entered inside that building...with HIM, for HIM....what a night that was, full of tears and full of hopes.)
10 minutes later...
Front Desk - Madam....
(this time I refused to get up and replied to front desk guy from couch)
Moi - Yes...
Front Desk - Mr. Rick is not around for some reason, but he is around (huh?) I mean he is not gone for the day. Do you want to wait or may be you want to leave.....?
(I went up to him and he repeated his words again.)
Moi - Here is my name and phone number, I live around the corner, please have him call me or you call me and let me know if you want me to come and meet. (now he is confused - I guess he wasn't taught this part of expression in his training)
Front Desk - Hmmmmm
Moi - oh well, do you want me to wait?
(his face is all smiled up)
Front Desk - Yes please, I mean if you can?
Moi - How much time will it take?
Front Desk - May be 5 or 10 minutes....
Moi - Okay, I guess I can wait that long.
(I went back to couch and started writing this post. 5 minutes later a guy came by and started talking to others standing close to the couch I was sitting at. Suddenly he looked at me and in between his talks with others he introduced himself)
5 Minutes...
Man - Hi, my name is Rick.
Moi - Hi Rick, my name is blah blah...
Rick - So how can I help you?
Moi - Well, I am blah blah blah and I want to volunteer with your group. I am really interested in working with adults in recovery from substance abuse.
Rick - Oh that is nice but we have internship program but don't have any program for free volunteers....you can join the course 'substance abuse counseling' and I will help you get into our internship...
Moi - Blah blah blah...thank you!!
I left.
I was confused as their website says "WORK WITH US" but when I went there they needed no help...weird. Saala, log free ki help tak nahin le sakte...blah blah blah....
I reached home and my lovely neighbor who was trying to read something, was sitting outside her room. I asked her how she was doing and she asked the same to moi. I tried my Spanish with her and she tried her English with me. I appreciated her little kitchen garden by kept saying bonita, bonito, gracious...blah blah blah....and suddenly she got up and gave me a lovely plant with pot and pot holder for moi casa (my house) I refused many times but she was kept saying 'for tu casa...tu casa...' And I remembered how I felt when I wanted to give my free services to someone and others refused...so I took it and put it on my dining table...It actually look cute up there.
Today while chatting online with my older brother, who happens to be my best friend, I asked him if the decision on 377 has been delivered. He replied right away that he is not from that society and hoping I am also not from that society either. That society obviously meant society or group of people who are gays, bisexual, lesbians, transgenders or queer. I wanted to say what if I am, will you stop loving me? But I just couldn't ask. I dunno why, may be I was cowered or I was not sure that he will understand the feeling of being gay. Even after being a straight person, it was hard for me to tell this thought to my brother...think of thousands of those who really are LGBTQ and can't share their love, happiness and life with their own families?
That was the moment when I realized so deeply that why many South Asians just cant get their all courage together and speak in front of their family, relatives or even friends. I felt so shaken. I felt a cold trembling feeling travel up my backbone. Oh how I wish I could help by simply brain washing typical cultural effects, probably the same way terrorists brain wash little kids and then they make kid army against human race...!
And as life is strange, and strangest is Vee Jay - I, next day, sent out email to Satrang stating that I am interested in volunteering with them. Today I am part of Satrang team as program coordinator and proud of it. I would love if any of you join us, work with us and be with us and find the true identity of being South Asian.
If you are homophobic and want to change the mind set, join us, if you are queer and don't know how to meet other South Asians, join us, if you are not sure what is it to be a queer, join us and even if you want to just help South Asians join us and/or join SAN...
(Will write more about these organizations in future posts)
Wrote on July 2, 2009 - the day India finally declared that homosexuality is NOT a crime. And July 2 happens to be my big sis's birthday too.
I didn't know what 'gang' meant when I was in India. After I decided to change my profession and started doing what now I love doing, I gave attention and understanding to the meaning of the word "GANG"
The word gang meant 'a group of people' to me until I found that what those group of people can do...Welcome to the world of freedom and violence.
Not that in India there are no gangs. There must be many gangs, full of violence and full of cliques, but I wasn't aware of them; I am still not aware of any Indian gangs. I am more aware of American gangs...now I know what it is to be in a gang, to be for the gang and to be around gang. It does seems funny thing but I do know now that now I know not just gangs, but gang members and many interesting details about gangs...be it Crisps, Bloods, MS-13 or any other black, Hispanic, Indian, Phillipino or American gang...WOW!!! Life makes you grow fast even if you refuse to grow.
I have figured that the basic reason people become gang members is - need of protection, need to be there for your community, lost mindset, and need to do something and all that with the base of distorted family background...
I am lucky I was raised in a family where parents were always there for me and siblings, and they were there together, not single mother or single father...oh America!!!
Life is strange; it gives you its own fun feeling of freedom and living with the consequences of gangs, violence and distortion. God bless America.
Vim
P.S. I gotta write a lot on this topic; It has got stuck in the tiny heart, but will write some other day!!!
P.P.S. - I am not a member of any gang, and I am sure I will never be able to be one (thank you lord)
After months long wait; after fighting non-stop with **University**; after putting my life pretty much on hold; I finally got the letter saying: waiting list. Duh!!! More wait, and more wait!
Chalo yehi sahi ji....ab jo hai so hai!
Keep waiting and don't forget to keep smiling while waiting and living a 'hold' life!