India - My Life within and without

Its been so long I wrote here. I checked the date of my last post and it was Feb 26, 2010...and today is Feb 13, 2011 :).

I experienced something on Friday in a group where we were meditating and sharing our thoughts. I felt the reason of weird haunting moments, awaken memories and shapeless, meaningless dreams I have been seeing for days in and days out could be because I actually never said good bye to my past relationship, I actually never ever paid a proper homage to that dead relationship...

I am saying my goodbye to that relationship, that marriage where I was in love, where my ex was also in love, where we both became what we never wanted to be, where life was not our own, where it wasnt even worth living...I am saying my final goodbye to that death which was a result of togetherness, which was a result of situations we both created, which was the result of growth of life...Goodbye my marriage, goodbye my relationship to snehal, goodbye my love for snehal and his family, goodbye my life with my ex-husband, and goodbye my old life with him...goodbye. May you rest in peace and may you never come back to any of our lives, may you stay far away from us, may you be just a plain old dream in our lives.

Goodbyes are sweet and sour, and that is exactly what I am feeling today!

Vim

I shouldn't say but I am saying it 'I don't know why...' I don't know why I don't want to keep a relationship going for sometime...I don't know why I doesn't want to work towards a relationship. May be I do know...I know it is hurtful to invest but I am getting over those issues, but then I think I do have very high expectations of other people in a romantic relationships. I can have a great friendship going where there is no sexual tension between friends and I but the moment it hit the button of a little romanticism, I want to just take it towards highest height and then drop it down as fastest speed as ever possible...I get anxious to start and be with someone...I don't know why...and then I get bored of the person, relationship and often the idea of romanticism.

BTW I met a kid who could have been mine. I had a good 1x1 with a work kid of mine and noticed that if I had a kid and would have stayed in domestic violence relationship then I would have ended my kid to some placement in the US...the same way my work kid was there. A younger brother of a sister who was forced to marry a guy from different country and older brother of two siblings who are in different placement, a strong and angry son of that father who used his anger and madness on his wife and kids, and an insecure son of that mother who is pretty homeless Iraqi woman - a survival of domestic violence, and a guy who is on probation at the age of 15 who is trying to find his roots from a bottom less tree....


VJ

I am a gypsy. I think I was born this way but it was hard for me to accept. I use to run away from the thought of being a gypsy in my own way of gypsism cos my culture doesn't support it but I do want to...I want to be the one....travel, live and enjoy..fcuk this acchole world!!

I bought iphone a month ago...and I am getting addicted to it...:-(

but I am happy about it...damn! who would have thought that one can do so much with a mobile phone...hard to believe...but!

Dear female readers, A quick question...

What is it to be a female for you? How is it different that you were born as a female in this world OR you chose to change your gender, why...how is it to be a female?

And dear male readers,

What is your take on female gender? How do you think you deal with female issues while being a male?

My two cents: I am very proud to be born as a female...but being a female comes with many issues and difficulties....but then females are the most strong gender as well.

What is your take on it?

Please share or email me...

Something big is coming up and your help is needed....

Hugs!!! And Thank You...

Vee Jay

I killed a squirrel today or so I think. I was on my way to work, driving and suddenly noticed few feet away from my car two squirrels were playing with each other: one crossed the street and another stopped in the middle of the street. I noticed it was far from my lane so I didn't slow down, but guess it moved right when I was close to it. I felt I might have hit it, to confirm I checked in left rear view mirror, noticed a stable squirrel on street, it might was either injured or dead and I lost a heartbeat.

I am still not sure if I have killed it or it was just injured, but I am feeling guilty. I was kept thinking about it throughout my way to work. I didn't stop to check upon it cos I was a bit scared of my own emotions. I might get in to weird depression if I find out that I have actually killed it, and if it wasn't killed I might have reacted totally different....I dunno...I am still confused. I am at work right now and I think I should give it few more hours before I come to any conclusion. But can I actually give it some time or stop thinking about it? Oh, I doubt it!!!

If I actually have killed an little animal while driving does that make me a killer?
Should I get some punishment for it?
Am I going to be comfortable with killings now on?
Does that mean I am a selfish person who couldn't stop to see squirrel because of my own emotions?
Am I really a selfish person?
Is it okay to kill an animal on street if they are careless while you are driving carefully?

Why am I thinking about it too much?
Whats wrong with me?

Jesus Christ, Lord Shiva, Lord Rama, Lord Krishna and all those Gods, whoever and wherever they are...I hope you will help that little squirrel....Amen!!

VJ

P.S. - I was just talking to Vrun about the incident and he told me that at times that feeling of 'may be' is stronger than being assured of something. I guess this is what made me keep driving than stopping at the incident and checking upon little animal...

It was a beautiful morning. Unexpectedly, I slept well at night. I woke up, got dressed and left as usual - just few minutes later than my normal schedule, and I was happy, seriously. I thought I will stop by at 7/11 and pick some donuts for my teenage girls and my co-worker. I did pick up few donuts, came back to my car and the Asian guy next to my car told me that I had a flat. I didn't understand him and asked him that what he meant. He showed me my right front tire, which was flat. Jesus Christ!!!

I once again called AAA, gave details and waited outside my car, right after I informed my co-worker that I was going to be late. AAA guy came, took off the flat tire and changed it with spare tire. I looked at spare tire and asked why was spare a weird looking, thin and baby tire? He looked at me as if I am a weirdo and said,"because it is a spare?" I still didn't get it. After all this was my life's first flat tire which I was handling all by myself. I clearly told him that I didn't know what that means and asked him if he can please explain. He was better with his looks this time and explained that spare is a temporary tire and it is small in size because it is not permanent tire (I got it dude and whats next???) Next he explained that I can't drive over 50 miles/hour with spare, and if I drive on freeway I might get a ticket.


I was standing in weird shock when he left. I didn't know what to do. I knew only one way to work and that was freeway, not that I was unable to find a street way out but hello...taking streets to 10 miles away job...are you kidding me? Jeez...well, I thought of taking the risk and drove on freeway while I made sure I don't go over 55 miles/hour. I was irritated while driving on freeway as I drive 80+ miles per hour on freeways. Today being Sunday the freeway was empty and I had to resist my urge to drive 'normal' speed. Oh well, I was once afraid of driving on freeways, remember anyone?


I finally reached to work and the first shift went well. I called my second job and told them that I was going to be late, and went to pepboys. The guy from Pepboys checked my car and its tires. He clearly told me that I needed two new tires for the front. I tried to argue and he clearly said, either fix it today or keep driving on spare until you are not safe anymore...so I gave my car for fixing. They changed two old tires to two new tires and oil was changed...and I paid a big price for it...well, safety matters!


Later, I found out the spare tire is known as donut for some reason. I smiled thinking that I wanted to buy donuts and I got donut...oh well, co-incident I guess :-)

Vee Jay

Today I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows. Well, its not India that we can just walk in any corner of any random street and get a beauty salon, where someone is always ready to thread eyebrows. Here in the US, we have to go far away for a typical beauty job, that too after scheduling especially for specific job even if it is eyebrow threading.....:-)) This is the another point I will write about one day...its called cheap labor.

Anyways, today when I was plucking extra hair from my eyebrows, I noticed a silver kinda line in between. I got confused and thought it probably was a fuzz or something...but, lekin, kintu prantu it was a white (gray) hair shinning with the light coming out of window. Funny, I could have never imagined a silver hair strand from my own eyebrows haa haa I do have few silver shining hair on my scalp, but eyebrows...come on.....

Oh well how to say now ki "abhi to main jawaan hun..."

I was talking to my brother over the phone a day after hearing regarding the same issue etc, and suddenly he said that Papa is around him and he is giving phone to him. This is the conversation happened between us that day.

Papa: Hello beta

Moi: God...

Papa: Hello, ki hoya beta?

Moi: God wrote a book about my life. He has a plan for me. In his book, he mention that the road of VeeJay's life has a lot of bumps, it is broken at places and often it is not perfect place to drive your precious cars. But as Veejay's life car will never go out of gas, it will keep running until the eternity, crossing bridges, humps and all obstacles.

Papa: Beta, I'm so proud of you. You are the strongest one in my three kids. I'm so proud of you. (his voice was like he is gonna cry soon)

Moi: chado yaar, you make me cry. I talk about car and all you do is cry...

Papa: Oye Putter (to my Brother) le is de naal gall kar, bahut vadi ho gayi hai.

And I had nothing else to say to him...Because life happened to both of us, once again.


VJ
Sep 09, 3009
10.45 AM

This country is made to work, live, enjoy and run @ 60 miles/hour and if you walk at 6 miles per hour....you are way behind the crowd...but never alone!


(enjoying listening to "The Story by Dick Gordon")

So here how it goes. I went to Cri-Help's No Ho center (oh it has memories) and I waited...wel yeah most of the time....for those peeps to use me as volunteer and I guess either they don't need free help or they have no idea what is it means to be volunteer.


Conversation between from desk and moi:

Moi - Hey, my name is blah blah and I'm interested in volunteering with your group.

Front desk - huh? What do you want?

Moi - I want to volunteer (super slow) with your group.

Front Desk - Oh I see...ok ok. One sec...

(he does nothing, just sit and stare at me...may be he was thinking)

Front Desk - Ok, can you please wait over there (points towards couch) and I will let her (points towards a lady behind him) speak with you.

Moi - Thank you.

(I walked towards couch and sat over there. Mean while many strange faces, weird looking people walked by me...some even wished me hello and some just stared at me.)

10 minutes.....

Front Desk - Madam.... (I guess he called moi)

Moi - Yes...

(I got up and walked to the front desk)

Front Desk - Mr. Rick is going to speak with you in a while, please wait...

(OKAY....Funny....)

Moi - Thank you

(I went back to couch and started reading LA Weekly. Again, people, smiles, stares, expressions and I was lost in to that evening when I first entered inside that building...with HIM, for HIM....what a night that was, full of tears and full of hopes.)

10 minutes later...

Front Desk - Madam....

(this time I refused to get up and replied to front desk guy from couch)

Moi - Yes...

Front Desk - Mr. Rick is not around for some reason, but he is around (huh?) I mean he is not gone for the day. Do you want to wait or may be you want to leave.....?

(I went up to him and he repeated his words again.)

Moi - Here is my name and phone number, I live around the corner, please have him call me or you call me and let me know if you want me to come and meet.

(now he is confused - I guess he wasn't taught this part of expression in his training)

Front Desk - Hmmmmm

Moi - oh well, do you want me to wait?

(his face is all smiled up)

Front Desk - Yes please, I mean if you can?

Moi - How much time will it take?

Front Desk - May be 5 or 10 minutes....

Moi - Okay, I guess I can wait that long.

(I went back to couch and started writing this post. 5 minutes later a guy came by and started talking to others standing close to the couch I was sitting at. Suddenly he looked at me and in between his talks with others he introduced himself)

5 Minutes...

Man - Hi, my name is Rick.

Moi - Hi Rick, my name is blah blah...

Rick - So how can I help you?

Moi - Well, I am blah blah blah and I want to volunteer with your group. I am really interested in working with adults in recovery from substance abuse.

Rick - Oh that is nice but we have internship program but don't have any program for free volunteers....you can join the course 'substance abuse counseling' and I will help you get into our internship...

Moi - Blah blah blah...thank you!!

I left.

I was confused as their website says "WORK WITH US" but when I went there they needed no help...weird. Saala, log free ki help tak nahin le sakte...blah blah blah....

I reached home and my lovely neighbor who was trying to read something, was sitting outside her room. I asked her how she was doing and she asked the same to moi. I tried my Spanish with her and she tried her English with me. I appreciated her little kitchen garden by kept saying bonita, bonito, gracious...blah blah blah....and suddenly she got up and gave me a lovely plant with pot and pot holder for moi casa (my house) I refused many times but she was kept saying 'for tu casa...tu casa...' And I remembered how I felt when I wanted to give my free services to someone and others refused...so I took it and put it on my dining table...It actually look cute up there.

Now Moi casa is Bonita ;-)

ज़िन्दगी में ऐसा वक़्त भी आता है जब मन इतना उदास हो जाता है की बस इचछा होती है की अकेले बैठो और सब कुछ त्याग दो....कुछ न करो, कुछ न कहो...बस सोचो और खाली पुलाओ पकाते रहो....

Duh VJ.

I cant decide. Not that I need more commotion in my life but I do want more traffic in my life, traffic of un-knowns...why? ha ha

Okay, it has a history as well. When I used to be an actress in Delhi and when I used to go to see my family in Chandigarh via bus in the middle of the night, I used to plan my character. Let me start it properly (I am one and half beer down and need more proper ways to write) So every time I used to sit in Delhi - Chandigarh bus in the middle of the night, (buses run all day but I liked mid night bus cos I could save my whole day), I used to wear a character. It could be anything from married women to student to prostitution to a girl who eloped from her home or any random character from real life...and I used to plan my act according to that. Many a times these characters went to waste but most of the time I got the chance to speak with my follow passenger. Well, you might ask why would someone speak with you in the whole bus: obviously a 23-24 years old girl, beautiful too, alone in bus in the middle on the night...fellow passenger usually start the conversation until the end of their destination (mine used to be the last stop) and I used to speak and seek my heart out. Yes, I did used my those characters as therapy, and used to share my real life's problems with them and used to feel light. No relationship, no judgment - right? I was being truthful with my issues cos I was not going to see those people ever in my life...unlike one time (that story later) well, I did what I wanted to and now...

Now I want some new peeps in my life for the same reasons, and for same ways....so back to the topic: Should I choose twitter or wordpress? Help me unknown - known friends....


Muaaahhh to all (two beers down now)

VJ

I don't know why I should be pissed when he tells me that we are not going to Vegas. Vegas the sin city, where we were supposed to rest and chill...and do things we enjoy doing with each other. He said he had an accident but why am I doubting it...

Well...
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It's all about my over-thinking mind right now!!

Peace out!
V

I have been thinking about writing a new blog but I am not sure on what topic.....nope I am not feeling writers block. I think I don't have any messy complains or any thoughts which I am unable to say to my life world, so writing is not happening. Well, with life world yaad aaya ki I finished my semester and I am free from study for few months as my school have cut on summer semester due to recession (???)...not a very fun thing but its sometimes better to have extra time in hands....:-)))

Okay I am not happy with my final exam result in one of the subjects...I hate getting B or lower grades in my exams and I got B in my last exam which has pissed me off but as my roommate says "you had hard month so give yourself some space" Duh!!! I did have hard month but these all are excuses, I know it.....I could have study which I didn't, because I didn't feel like it...my bad!!!

What else? oh ya...something really interesting I did...I donated my hair to make wigs for cancer kids. Well I have been planning to do so and I did it.

In 2005, after I shaved my head for the first time I came to know that I could have donated my waist long hair to some organization...but I was unaware of the same so it all went to waste...Then I decided that next time when I will go crazy and will suddenly feel like chopping all my hair off, I will donate them to kids who needs wigs. After a little research I found this awesome organization "http://www.locksoflove.org" who take donation of hair and make wigs for children who lose their hair due to a medical condition including cancer kids who lose their hair after chemo and also who suffer from an autoimmune disorder called 'alopecia areata'...To know more about disease and donation visit their website.

I am sending my 10 inch long locks of love for those kids. If any of you ever want to chop your hair off for whatever reason, please do send them your hair donations, someone will enjoy the love of your locks...

I guess that's it for now...will keep me going if life makes me keep going :-)))


VJ

HE came by today, after my accident news....after he came to know how traumatize I am...HE hugged me...many times...over and over again...

While holding HE said he miss me and then told me that I am doing good, I am progressing and HE will always be there for me...

I hugged HIM and called HIM 'honey' and HE looked at me and told me paperwork is on its way..

Me and my little secret, looked at HIM over and over again...

AH!!! may be we have to get a bit messed up, before we move forward....

Sometimes bad news bring good after results...like my crappy accident on 101 brought HIM an inch closer to me...

Everyone in my life thinks that I have recovered speedy way from my 5 years of past...they all praise me and give me hugs for being strong, for bringing myself out of the crappiest life to a new life where I love living my way...YES!!! I have come out of that crap, yes I am better, yes I have recovered pretty fast...but have I really recovered?

I had alcohol almost every day of my life after I left his place; I felt as if I cant sleep anymore if I wont drink alcohol...I was addicted to alcohol for more than 6 months, after I left him...

I moved my addiction of the obsession and love for my ex-husband to 'BlackBerry' & to 'facebook' to 'blogging' to 'ryzing' & to 'photography' & on top of all, I moved my addiction to fixing what is wrong in me, and how can I be better human. I moved my addiction to anything but HIM...all that helped me in reaching where I have reached, but have I really reached here healthy way....

Now its my time to get back to a life where little fun addictions work but not these big ones....where if I forget my BlackBerry at home one day, while I am out with friends, it should be fine and I am OKAY with it; where if I don't go to facebook for a day, it wont bother me at all; and also where if I don't write for few days that is normal...I want to feel un-obsessed for sometime or say until I find a addiction worth finding peace with....

I stopped drinking alcohol almost 7/8 months back; for one month I lived dry days, then I had alcohol for two weeks and then back to dry days for a month...this all continued until this year starting. I didn't even touch alcohol for three months and will be drinking on my birthday now. My body's tolerance power for alcohol has changed and I am happy about it. The addiction for HIM is pretty mellow. I don't crave to see him anymore. I don't feel like meeting him anymore...Those addictions worked their part well, and have helped me getting a life for myself...now I need a life without those addictions.

Next addiction is Blogging, I have tried to cut down on it a lot...I am still working on it.

Next addiction is going to be BlackBerry....I need to cut down my time on it...and hopefully I will be out of these addictions...slowly slowly.

More to come...more to go....this is life for me....

lage raho VJ...

I am losing my concentration powers, I have no idea where my mind is now a days. I over drafted two payments, missed paying a bill, and forgot to deposit a check. It all cost me over $ 100.00. what the eff is going on with me...I thought after I am finished with submitting my application for my Masters, I will be easy going but I am going opposite way for no reason....gosh - help me...

I am close to this one person for last 7-8 months, and this person asked me one fine day about a topic "if my life was perfect, it would be..." First thought, I said, "it would be crap..." and then I wrote about it...almost a page, emailed to that person...but felt like posting the same here. I know that now-a-days, I have only fix readers on my blog, but who cares. I am still enjoying and sharing writing, jo hai, jaisi bhi hai...

If my life was perfect it would look like a crap, boring life. Not that I don’t enjoy stability, or peace, but it is boring to live a life which I have never lived. Well, yes it does go in hands with those thoughts of insecurity of trying something new. I am not denying it probably would have been fun, but probably it would have been a feeling of uncomfortable, and/or a life without any truths in it. (read: I don't like lies and living on surface)

I knew from my childhood that I wasn’t born lucky enough to get whatever I fancy. I dreamed for days and days before I finally saw a glimpse of those things I wanted, forget getting those in my own hands…ha ha Its not that I was unable to get my things my ways in life, I had many chances and I did enjoyed those chances too. But I am aware of hardship and its need in my life.

Life needs some ups and downs, some fun times, and many lessons, so one can enjoy it to fullest. I am not saying that my life was full of fun because it was full of struggle; neither have I said that my life was a crap because I went through lot of shit in life. I know that the bridge I crossed with my marriage and the kind of childhood I lived has brought me where I am today; I am happy today where I have reached. I am also aware that it wasn’t necessary to walk on to the bridge, I walked on, to reach where I am today; but when one gets lost on the way, they have no other option but to choose the only way available, its simple. I did the same, as a simple human being.

If life would be perfect, maybe I would be another kind of fun person, working on the kind of things I had passion for. May be I was still living in Mumbai, as an actress, Or maybe I was still doing theater and enjoying those moments with my little family; a husband and 1 or 2 kids, but may be…may be not! May be I was a frustrated wife, or a happy wife who is upto nothing...or may be a business woman, or a usual next door woman....who knows!

On the other note, if life would be perfect, I might have changed the meaning of perfection…

If life would be perfect, it probably would have pretty mechanical; pretty same routine for each day. I didn’t choose my destination, and I didn’t choose the path either, but when I have reached here, then why don’t I live today instead of looking back and regretting what I never got. I rather not cry for those moments which were never mine, but I rather live what I have today!!!

I am sorry, I can’t stay negative for long…and crying about what I don’t have seems like a cry baby topic, especially now when I have already written a page about it…phew!!!

Last thought: what is perfect life?