Its been so long I wrote here, maybe because somewhere I don't need this space to hide myself behind the walls or maybe because I feel free to share my opinion in the world. Whatever the reason maybe, I do feel free and happy, and I have my lord and my friends and family to thank for...
Yesterday I went to the Buddhist temple, where I have been before but this time around the experience was way too different. I was able to connect spirituality and myself in a different manner. The tour guide in one of her conversations about Buddhism stated that lotus is known to be a very important flower in Buddhist religion because it starts it journey as a bud in the muddy dirty water, walks all the way in the dirty water and when reaches to the top opens up to be a beautiful flower. She further stated that its our past what makes us who we are because what we choose, what we desire and the directions we walk on makes difference in our presence...I was so happy and calm hearing this. Where I have reached today is somehow reflection of my past though one could reach here without all the hardship I faced. I am proud of myself and can never let myself put down the way it has happened in the past.
A proud survivor!
P.S. - Today is Feb 19, wrote this post after over a year!
Its been so long I wrote here. I checked the date of my last post and it was Feb 26, 2010...and today is Feb 13, 2011 :).
I experienced something on Friday in a group where we were meditating and sharing our thoughts. I felt the reason of weird haunting moments, awaken memories and shapeless, meaningless dreams I have been seeing for days in and days out could be because I actually never said good bye to my past relationship, I actually never ever paid a proper homage to that dead relationship...
I am saying my goodbye to that relationship, that marriage where I was in love, where my ex was also in love, where we both became what we never wanted to be, where life was not our own, where it wasnt even worth living...I am saying my final goodbye to that death which was a result of togetherness, which was a result of situations we both created, which was the result of growth of life...Goodbye my marriage, goodbye my relationship to snehal, goodbye my love for snehal and his family, goodbye my life with my ex-husband, and goodbye my old life with him...goodbye. May you rest in peace and may you never come back to any of our lives, may you stay far away from us, may you be just a plain old dream in our lives.
Goodbyes are sweet and sour, and that is exactly what I am feeling today!
I shouldn't say but I am saying it 'I don't know why...' I don't know why I don't want to keep a relationship going for sometime...I don't know why I doesn't want to work towards a relationship. May be I do know...I know it is hurtful to invest but I am getting over those issues, but then I think I do have very high expectations of other people in a romantic relationships. I can have a great friendship going where there is no sexual tension between friends and I but the moment it hit the button of a little romanticism, I want to just take it towards highest height and then drop it down as fastest speed as ever possible...I get anxious to start and be with someone...I don't know why...and then I get bored of the person, relationship and often the idea of romanticism.
BTW I met a kid who could have been mine. I had a good 1x1 with a work kid of mine and noticed that if I had a kid and would have stayed in domestic violence relationship then I would have ended my kid to some placement in the US...the same way my work kid was there. A younger brother of a sister who was forced to marry a guy from different country and older brother of two siblings who are in different placement, a strong and angry son of that father who used his anger and madness on his wife and kids, and an insecure son of that mother who is pretty homeless Iraqi woman - a survival of domestic violence, and a guy who is on probation at the age of 15 who is trying to find his roots from a bottom less tree....
I have been noticing a tremendous patience and peaceful change in myself. Seems like the practices I have been working on is finally working within me, and I am becoming the one I want to be...Amen!
A: What do you think brought you out of domestic violent effected life?
V: "I love living" these three words gave me a new life with each day...and I got stronger just to live each day, just to experience more life with everyday!
I blanked out twice. We were working continuously on similar stuff, similar issues...and I lost it. Discussing and learning those issues I care for is not boring because what I love, I can never get bored of...hai ki nahin?
And about Kansas, we didnt see a thing. We were inside one building, the same building we entered and where we left from. We did leave for couple of hours for a fund raiser and enjoyed South American and Central American dances...wish I can dance...ahem!!
it was a great moment when J said, "lets all talk a little slow since we all have an accent" I was like"shitttt" but then I thought again and found it wasn't me only who came with an accent, every single woman over there had an accent...and I felt so light! No one judged me for having a different accent, no one looked low on to me for being Indian...I was proud to be my self, for the very first time in years!
Over the time of three days, I enjoyed the company of strong and empowered women, and lived moments of being self. How hard it is to be my own self in this world no too hard but believe me it is at times...but every one gave me the chance and I was able to be the same way for others....lucky.....I guess!!!
They said it is going to be cold in Kansas but I wasted my bag space cos it was nice weather...especially the last day. WE did found a way to enjoy even if it was next to a cemetery... Hey, those people are already dead...stop judging me, I am not judging you so why would you do so?
Anyways, the best part was the training. Not even a single women judged me for being a divorcee, for being a female, for being an Indian and for being the one who have said "enough" once and for all in her life...
How lucky are you to be at the places like the one I was at?
I am a gypsy. I think I was born this way but it was hard for me to accept. I use to run away from the thought of being a gypsy in my own way of gypsism cos my culture doesn't support it but I do want to...I want to be the one....travel, live and enjoy..fcuk this acchole world!!
I was waiting for Obama's speech for last week and half about war status and bringing American troops back to the America. Finally today wait ended and I listened to Obama on NPR. He used chosen words very carefully while explaining his reasons and explanations for his actions. I was impressed with his speech and I had few questions, which NPR's discussions did clear. And I suddenly found myself deep down interested in politics.
My developing interest in politics is a bit weird to myself as I hardly had any interest in politics unless I needed to discuss it with someone. Last year during President's election time I enjoyed Obama's HOPE campaign and when Obama took the position of America's President, I watched his every move very closely followed by his actions and speeches throughout the year. Not that I was interested in politics, but I am very attracted to what Obama is made of and how he has handled messed up situations. I guess that is known as politics. His 'hope' campaign was awesome, it helped him win over Bush, but I wanted to see results, so I am watching him carefully.
My background is from the country which is in development. America is more of a progressive country even after its history has less depth than India. In my country (read: India), I hardly saw any politicians giving explanations and clarity for their actions. Indian politicians speech was more of those kind of speech where they kind of ordered that they have taken some random steps and 'janta' (countrymen) is supposed to accept without questioning it. And sometimes there were speeches, which followed by the response of throwing chairs and violent acts in parliament house of New Delhi. I have seen some of these actions live on national TV. I wont say Indian politicians are just bosses to countrymen but its pretty close to the relationship between jailer and the victim. All that had obviously made me sad and over the years I lost interest in Indian politics.
I don't have deep interest in American politics but it does attract me more than Indian politics. May be because politicians try to stay crystal clear to the citizen's of America...or may Americans demand more clarity from them or may be its just that I am developing interest in politics. I don't know the truth but I guess in India, as a citizen, I was not given enough human rights to be myself and here in the US as a permanent resident I am given more freedom and rights, its up to me now if I choose to use those rights or not...or may be the truth is still hidden.
Any which way I still think Indians have more depth in their life and culture than America. America, defiantly needs to learn much more from cultural countries such as India, Pakistan, Mexico etc etc.
Talking of Pakistan reminds me one thing which impressed me a lot in Obama's speech is that he showed his interest in Pakistan's safety and Afghanistan's growth, and also that he wasn't all about America America, America and just America...what a relief!!!
Here is the speech...listen and don't forget to leave comments!
What is it to be a female for you? How is it different that you were born as a female in this world OR you chose to change your gender, why...how is it to be a female?
And dear male readers,
What is your take on female gender? How do you think you deal with female issues while being a male?
My two cents: I am very proud to be born as a female...but being a female comes with many issues and difficulties....but then females are the most strong gender as well.
I am not a big fan of TV. I never was, dunno why but never got hooked to it. I do watch TV occasionally with my kids. It is fun to see what kind of shows are common and getting good TRP now-a-days. I remember when I was working for TV in India, rating or TRP used to be the biggest god for TV artists...
Like today I saw Jerry Springer show...man!!! what a show. I think I would never like to watch that show but my girls loved watching it and enjoy every bit of drama from it. oh well, they are teenage kids, they love drama :-)))
After Jerry's show a new show started, its called Steve Wilkos Show. I, unaware of today's TV style, thought it would be some crappy show as most of the shows are...but guess what? It was not a crappy show but it was a weird show; it talked a lot about what I like to work on...it spoke somewhere my own language but in a way which is not very fun to watch. It dealt with people who are going through abuse and who doesn't know how to be out of it, and Steve, the host of the show, helped them find a way out. I appreciated his work. I liked the way he was dealing with victims; I liked the way he was so calm and quiet but made victims realized that they are wrong and how...He is a good man, I assume but again a TV artist who surely care about target rating point.
I had some issue with the show - it is called over exposure and wrong usage of reality. Basically, he and producers of the show used the real life drama and brought in front of camera...then they got some real deals on advertisements and here you go the TV show is ready to sell. Who wouldn't like to watch lifetime drama, some advice, free audience - the whole package is ready...life is all about how beautiful one can display their shiiit...
Oh well, isn't everything on TV is all about showoff, drama, crappiness and so called reality??? Movies are much better way to talk about reality without becoming a judge of any side.
Hypocrite moi would still love to work for TV shows over feature films...or would love to book some commercials for some TV show and make some hot commission...oh well, aren't we all hypocrite? I actually would never work for game shows, Talk shows or reality TV any more...its not my kind of TV though its TRP is really high...well human we beings just love drama...!!!
Now I am wondering what kind of shows Indian TV is showing? I am sure they are also mostly either talk show or reality TV style...anyone wanna inform moi?
This song is very close to me. It is one of the most inspirational songs I have ever heard...I love this song more than anything at times. It has truth, it has power and it has voice of Kailash Kher...He has put life in these words.
Hope you all enjoy this song too, and if you do, leave your marks.
So its the time of the year again - time to pay our thanks back and time to get our thanks...it is the Thanksgiving time!!
YAY!!!
Last year's Thanksgiving had somewhere different colors and hues in it, though this year it is not too skeptical, not too different!
Today is Wednesday, a day before Thanksgiving and I just came back home after celebrations. It was beautiful - four people sharing not just meal but happiness, smiles, wishes and love. It is just wonderful to have friends. Tomorrow, the actual day of thanksgiving, I will be relaxing (finally) at home for the first half of the day and second half I will enjoy yummy dinner with my kiddos...my work kids.
What is better than celebrating thanksgiving with those who I am thankful to - for my today's life, for their love and their passion and for all the smiles and choices I discover with them...what better way to celebrate a day full of happiness than to be with my little kids and their world? May lord give tons of happiness and smiles and of-course peace to all teenagers.
My special thanks for this year are for Sia, P and S...without them I would have been still floating in a weird river...Thank you for helping me find my path, thank you for being there and Thank you for being yourselves...May lord bless you with more love and happiness. Amen!!!
And wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving as well...just remember that life is beautiful.
I was young, probably in my early teenage when I heard papa telling my brother that never take debt on your head and never ask for money from someone unless you have that much to pay back. I dunno how but it got stuck in my head and my heart.
Years later even today I dont borrow money, I dont take anyone's debt. I get my pay check, I pay my bills. While working with non profit groups, often its hard to save even a penny but I am happy I dont owe any money to anyone - not to credit cards, not to friends, not even to my parents...unlike someone who I recently found is still dependent on HIS parents...I feel ashamed for HIM...Wish, HE had choices to choose from in his life.
I feel pride in myself that I was able to follow this rule even after I moved to a new country, and even after I lived a real hardship here...I think it was papa's this rule only which made me keep going on and keep doing things...just to find my own meaning of life.
I had two choices when I found my life is going no where: 1. Let the path lead me... OR 2. to find & lead my path...
I chose the later one. It was a hard choice. It made me go through hard parts of everything but one day I noticed I was standing on a road with passion bubbling up in my heart and that day I realized I had found my path. Today, I am walking on my path with passion and ambition, damn it is a hard path but it bring smile to me everyday, it gives me satisfaction each second...
Some where today I feel happy that once I was in dead depression because if I would have never been there, I would have never tried to look towards my choices.
Thank you Lord for giving me choices and helped me find and follow my path...This Thanksgiving is going to be amazing!!
I killed a squirrel today or so I think. I was on my way to work, driving and suddenly noticed few feet away from my car two squirrels were playing with each other: one crossed the street and another stopped in the middle of the street. I noticed it was far from my lane so I didn't slow down, but guess it moved right when I was close to it. I felt I might have hit it, to confirm I checked in left rear view mirror, noticed a stable squirrel on street, it might was either injured or dead and I lost a heartbeat.
I am still not sure if I have killed it or it was just injured, but I am feeling guilty. I was kept thinking about it throughout my way to work. I didn't stop to check upon it cos I was a bit scared of my own emotions. I might get in to weird depression if I find out that I have actually killed it, and if it wasn't killed I might have reacted totally different....I dunno...I am still confused. I am at work right now and I think I should give it few more hours before I come to any conclusion. But can I actually give it some time or stop thinking about it? Oh, I doubt it!!!
If I actually have killed an little animal while driving does that make me a killer? Should I get some punishment for it? Am I going to be comfortable with killings now on? Does that mean I am a selfish person who couldn't stop to see squirrel because of my own emotions? Am I really a selfish person? Is it okay to kill an animal on street if they are careless while you are driving carefully?
Why am I thinking about it too much? Whats wrong with me?
Jesus Christ, Lord Shiva, Lord Rama, Lord Krishna and all those Gods, whoever and wherever they are...I hope you will help that little squirrel....Amen!!
VJ
P.S. - I was just talking to Vrun about the incident and he told me that at times that feeling of 'may be' is stronger than being assured of something. I guess this is what made me keep driving than stopping at the incident and checking upon little animal...
When I was little school girl, I was taught that Hitler was the best ruler; he was the best leader on earth. I, leader by nature, always wanted to become like him so I can lead everyone in my business and in my life, well pretty much!
When I first met my ex-husband, who was a politics major in college, we use to discuss Indian and American politics often. I was weak in politics but I knew Indian politics more than him and he knew world politics more than me, which made discussions more fun and knowledgeable. Once during those discussions Adolf Hitler's name came in, I told him that I always wanted to be like him. He had disgust looks and weird expression on his face. He asked me that I am not a violent person at all then why am I attracted to Hitler's characteristics. I told him what I was taught, he was ashamed of my education :-( after knowing the truth, I was too.
Sadly, he and his education was right and soon I found out I was taught many things wrong especially about world history. I dunno if today the education level is changed in India or not but I do know that I never ever want to be even H of Hitler forget becoming a leader like him.
After I moved to the US and met with those real people who, themselves or their families, had gone through Hitler's Holocaust, I realized how bad the Education system is in my country...I confess that I didn't do a thing to change it but I did talk to my little nephews about it and tried to tell them about Hitler's real face and about 'real' history...not sure how much they understood but I hope they dream unlike me and my generation about leadership.
I remember once my ex-husband went to a book store to buy his favorite marble comics and came back with 9th grade history book. The more he read, the more I became aware of what I was taught right and what not. oh well...with the age I did learn a lot and I am not done learning.
Today while watching Valkyrie, all those days came as a picture in front of my mind's eye and I thought of writing this blog. If we have even few of Col. Stauffenbergs in our various countries, this world will become a peaceful place for humans. And all I can do is pray for my both countries as well as rest of the world.
And that reminds me of Beenish's one post...do read and comment on her these two posts about Anne Frank - Part one and Part two....