India - My Life within and without

I took a nap after work today. I am still waking up...I saw a weird dream; My car (black color car, I have silver color car now...so when is it again) has got towed as I didn't put enough quarters in meter.

While I am looking for my car every where, people are trying to come close to me to take pictures with me. I have no idea what is happening, but one of my kids (work kids) who, in reality I saw after long time today, tells me you were on ABC 7 news(the only news channel I see)where they showed my work and mentioned that Indian actress and photographer is amazing and her work speaks for it self etc etc...and also told that she is working with kids...Stupid me, instead of running towards TV and looking at myself, is asking people if I can go and find the cop and bring my car back...

When I finally found a way out, suddenly a cart (typical Indian country side cart with a cow) comes in front of me. All those people who I have rejected on FB are sitting on the cart and wishing me good luck for future. Before I could respond, I heard Papa's thick voice," She is too lazy to anything, let her be like this" and I woke up...

Weird V...

I feel lost, I feel happy and then weirdness of accepting it and not acceptance has created a layer, which is spread like fresh spring waters underneath me.

I enjoyed hanging out with 'J' I saved some precious moments, and looked at some complex issues by speaking up. The touch was beautiful, hands were cold and warm at the same time, I felt precious, but....there was something which had weird awkward feeling. It was there but I couldn't see it, I was able to feel it but I couldn't touch it. The food was yummy, coffee was needed and music was just random add on....I wish I could play real loud music, the one I really enjoy, and I wish I could keep few lit candles around... Moonlight, mixed with street lights, the darkness on face and spark coming from the touch of two hands.....Then what was so random, so unaccepting, so uncanny about the evening?

Thousands of dreams to live for and hundreds of thousands to die with.

Jeez, good that crazy week is over!

I am emotionally weary, tired, messed up. I need to practice my meditation. I need to start Yoga... peace V Peace...1...2...3...4...5...!!!

Here are few random thoughts which are moving like slides in front of my eyes...

I am seeing the first day I saw him; I saw 'J' the day he came first time there, I didn't pay any attention to him, and guess he didn't either. When I saw him properly next time at other place of the same house, we exchanged hello and a smile. I felt a funny feeling, he is something...I guess he surely is. He is becoming part of messed up emotions...and I am messing up.

I know I have issues, regarding privacy...I am sure we all have, in different ways!

I am kicking my butt myself, by not reading, drafting and editing the finished script. I am messing up with my writings, my work...

I cant just say NO...to anyone. I am a mess...I need to say NO...to 'T', to 'J' and to many...for many things, many feelings and for many lost connections.

~Peace~
It was supposed to be a great day...

I read many of my old blogs. I had a reason to read, I wanted to cut the crap of too personal feelings from few of them. My most of the blogs which I wrote before July are full of superficial love for HIM and those I wrote after July are mature, are more with the weight of earth underneath.

I started seeing my therapist, from July 24, 2008. Today, I feel as if I don't even care about the guy I married. I always used to say that I don't regret marrying HIM, but in my last session with my therapist, I cried like a little baby, as it brought back memory of that moment, when I first identified his addiction of Marijuana. I cried, and saw every single description of that day; those pots; laptop;him rolling a joint; his anger; and shocked me in the kitchen door...

I am at a better place today physically, emotionally and psychologically. I feel it and I live it peacefully. My senses are more awake now, I feel more deep down for myself, I appreciate my value more than ever.

It remind me a moment from my training I attended couple of days back: People who want to care for others, stop self-care...I was there once, but now I try to eat better, I try to live well, and I do try to take care of my health better than before.

Random me...