India - My Life within and without

Today is the first Thanksgiving after I have started living away from HIM; it felt bad, a bit, but only for few moments. I had a fun time last night with a friend, few queries and many thoughts to share.

I woke up in the morning, with lazy feel as if its another day. It actually was, for me...or say for resistant Indian - American me. I made Kheer for my work kids, reached at work and cooked more stuff. Kids were excited, cos its thanksgiving, its the best time of the year, fun time, family time, harvest time and Holiday time; when the time came to eat, the family dinner, it wasn't even a family. Few kids ate, few slept on the floor & couch and few refused to eat, it was just a shelter for homeless kids.

A 16 year old kid was invited by his brother for dinner at his place, and he was so looking forward to it. Around 9 he came back, I asked him excitedly about his good time with family....he said that family was not even there. I was speechless, I said nothing but made him plate of dinner with turkey, yams, cranberry, kheer, pie and all we made for the special day...He ate quietly, probably hoping to have a thanksgiving dinner with his family, some day.

I was invited by a friend for dinner at her place. I took an hour off and went to see her and her grand ma. I was happy that someone, at least someone invited me for thanksgiving dinner. It was a good feeling, but I didn't even eat at her place, met her, had few words about life, gave her wine and went back to work. I missed my family and remembered that they haven't called me since long long time. I haven't called them either. I won't call this time...I want to feel that they want me, I want them to miss me, so they feel my pain at least once in life time.

Family, Friends, Love, and sharing...this is what thanksgiving is all about to me. I gave whatever was possible for me to give, and I still give whatever I am able of, but.......

Why do we refuse to give; love, care and feelings. Why don't we just understand that the person in front needs the same love and care, as you? Why? Why can’t we just live and let live? Why? Why can't we be just ourselves and stop the hate?

Right now, thinking of my work kids, I am wishing and hoping that I have a big home (house) and I have the ability to raise many kids; nicely; happily; positively and without any predictions...just living!

Amen!

I don't know why, but it does happen that life, bring different questions with 'guess what' kind of answers.

The rains in LA are bringing memories to me back from the days of July 26 in Mumbai, and on top of that, the news of gun shots in Mumbai, brought another sad memories in front of my eyes from July 06. I wish I wasn't in emotional pain for the same man,I am divorcing...

I know it wasn't the choice for many, it wasn't the option even, but people still do what they have to do in life...they go to work, they go to school, they roam around and do nothing....and few take harsh work in hands, like killing others.

yes, some people do harsh things...but why do my god do harsh things...isn't its already harsh for those people to live?

The past is gone long back, why do someone has to pay for those days now?

Why do I have to get pissed at self for asking those questions, which no one can answer?

I am annoyed or say pissed, but is this the way to solve issues, if not then what is the way?

Why do feelings and love is always counted with the equality of money and with the image of oneself?

Why cant someone love somebody just the way they want to love?

What is the love anyways?

Fcuk...I'm still fighting with myself for these questions, which have no answers.

Lucky you people,who have money, who have family...who can stay safe under roofs and celebrate meaningless holidays, who can buy gifts for anyone to everyone for any occasion to no occasion...I wish, these beautiful days for many of my friends and many of real humans, who need a meal of the day and still cant earn....

Work hard, party harder!!!!

How truth is this; every hard work pays at end?

Its raining in Hollywood, hard and in full form. I love it, I just love it. I missed rains alot in last two years. Mumbai rains gave me a habit to experience, continue rains for months. Here in US, I have hardly seen rains. Especially after seeing rains of Mumbai, any rains seems less.

I remember almost two years back, here in Hollywood, when I first felt rain drops on my body, I felt a different kind of fun, I got soaked and enjoyed those drops on my body and inside my heart. It wasn't that bad of winter time then, it was just a fun winter. Today while it is raining outside, I couldn't get wet, cos I have to stay safe, stay healthy...and winter rains can make me sick.

Right now here I am, inside my little place, holding my heart, dealing with various thoughts...just waiting for sleep to take me over. Oh sleep, come and take me away, this music of rain falling on the roof of my apartment and on top of my car outside, is just not letting me sleep.

How much I would love to sing 'rain rain go away...come here another day, but....I don't want rains to go away so I will not sing this...I want rains to stay.

Hugs my favorite weather.
Veee

I was tagged by Vinod. So I guess I have to write, what I am addicted to. I agree, that addiction is a bit negative word, so I would say, things I am in love with, or things I cant live without.

1.I can’t live without fighting with myself. I fight with myself, every moment, every single day. I know, it’s a need for few, but I fight with self, without any need. I have to have to discuss everything happening around me, related to me or not. I feel uncomfortable, if I don’t argue or if I don’t observe and discuss with myself. Sometimes, it can be just simple news I listen on NPR or may be a woman/man while driving, or someone who clicked the sight. I will observe a little, question within me, a little more OR sometimes, I will judge the moment with my eyes. Yes, it is close to obsession of observing and discussing.

2.Photography: I will die the day someone tells me that I am not allowed to click. I’m all about clicking. I am very reserve to share my artistic shots, I hardly discuss and show those to anyone. If, I am close to someone, I will share but mostly, they end up in my personal space…for me. I always bought a expensive cell phone, not for the showoff, but for its camera. I have to keep all memories; even if they will hurt in future…I have to keep my memories, my way.

3.Writing: If I won’t write one article or few lines each day, I feel something is missing. I am not a great writer; I am working on it and happy to accept truth my ways, for myself. I started writing when I was hardly 12, but those were my journals, my personal diaries…now I write about my world with the view of third person. Sometimes, I write from heart, from emotions, but I do write, something or other every day.

4.Chatting, communicating, talking: I live far from my close ones, and communicating with them; online or on phone. I have to give atleast an hour each day to chatting, facebook or whatever way of communication. It’s a need and thought of my day to day life.

5.Dreaming: yes, it’s a big deal…I have to dream at least half an hour before I am out of bed, so I put alarm for half an hour early than the real time. I feel decaffeinated if I won’t get my dose of dreaming half an hour every morning.

6.Blackberry: I actually don’t want to claim that I am addicted to it or I can’t live without it, but as my friends say, as peeps around me claim all the time…I am trying to agree and accept this addiction.

7.Giving: I dunno, when I started with this, but it’s a big part of my life. Giving a smile, giving a coin or giving a hand…I have to do it. This is what makes me keep the fire of charity running inside me.

That’s about my addiction…here are four people I would like to tag:

1. Sandeep
2. Gurmeet
3. Bluemist
4. Varun

Lets see....who reaches where and how.