India - My Life within and without

Its been so long I wrote here, maybe because somewhere I don't need this space to hide myself behind the walls or maybe because I feel free to share my opinion in the world. Whatever the reason maybe, I do feel free and happy, and I have my lord and my friends and family to thank for...

Yesterday I went to the Buddhist temple, where I have been before but this time around the experience was way too different. I was able to connect spirituality and myself in a different manner. The tour guide in one of her conversations about Buddhism stated that lotus is known to be a very important flower in Buddhist religion because it starts it journey as a bud in the muddy dirty water, walks all the way in the dirty water and when reaches to the top opens up to be a beautiful flower. She further stated that its our past what makes us who we are because what we choose, what we desire and the directions we walk on makes difference in our presence...I was so happy and calm hearing this. Where I have reached today is somehow reflection of my past though one could reach here without all the hardship I faced. I am proud of myself and can never let myself put down the way it has happened in the past.

A proud survivor!

P.S. - Today is Feb 19, wrote this post after over a year!

Its been so long I wrote here. I checked the date of my last post and it was Feb 26, 2010...and today is Feb 13, 2011 :).

I experienced something on Friday in a group where we were meditating and sharing our thoughts. I felt the reason of weird haunting moments, awaken memories and shapeless, meaningless dreams I have been seeing for days in and days out could be because I actually never said good bye to my past relationship, I actually never ever paid a proper homage to that dead relationship...

I am saying my goodbye to that relationship, that marriage where I was in love, where my ex was also in love, where we both became what we never wanted to be, where life was not our own, where it wasnt even worth living...I am saying my final goodbye to that death which was a result of togetherness, which was a result of situations we both created, which was the result of growth of life...Goodbye my marriage, goodbye my relationship to snehal, goodbye my love for snehal and his family, goodbye my life with my ex-husband, and goodbye my old life with him...goodbye. May you rest in peace and may you never come back to any of our lives, may you stay far away from us, may you be just a plain old dream in our lives.

Goodbyes are sweet and sour, and that is exactly what I am feeling today!

Vim

I shouldn't say but I am saying it 'I don't know why...' I don't know why I don't want to keep a relationship going for sometime...I don't know why I doesn't want to work towards a relationship. May be I do know...I know it is hurtful to invest but I am getting over those issues, but then I think I do have very high expectations of other people in a romantic relationships. I can have a great friendship going where there is no sexual tension between friends and I but the moment it hit the button of a little romanticism, I want to just take it towards highest height and then drop it down as fastest speed as ever possible...I get anxious to start and be with someone...I don't know why...and then I get bored of the person, relationship and often the idea of romanticism.

BTW I met a kid who could have been mine. I had a good 1x1 with a work kid of mine and noticed that if I had a kid and would have stayed in domestic violence relationship then I would have ended my kid to some placement in the US...the same way my work kid was there. A younger brother of a sister who was forced to marry a guy from different country and older brother of two siblings who are in different placement, a strong and angry son of that father who used his anger and madness on his wife and kids, and an insecure son of that mother who is pretty homeless Iraqi woman - a survival of domestic violence, and a guy who is on probation at the age of 15 who is trying to find his roots from a bottom less tree....


VJ

I have been noticing a tremendous patience and peaceful change in myself. Seems like the practices I have been working on is finally working within me, and I am becoming the one I want to be...Amen!